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Doom Denied

Apocalypse cancelled: archeologists discover new Mayan calendar

"This one's mainly pictures of cats," says surprised egghead.

Mayan calendar

Conspiracy theorists looking forward to the destruction of the Earth by the planet Nibiru on Dec 21, 2012 may be in for a big disappointment, say scientists digging in the forests of Guatemala.

Archeologists have uncovered a new Mayan calendar that begins on Dec 22 and runs for another 5,125 years.

"This one's mainly pictures of cats," said William H Carpenter of the Carpenter Foundation for Armageddon Studies. "This suggests the Mayans were moving in a more commercial direction before being wiped out."

Labelled 'Furry Felines and the 14th Ba'k'tun', the calendar was unearthed in the remains of what some archeologists believe may have been a Mayan gift shop built for tourists.

Whatever the origins of the calendar, its existence suggests that we may see another New Year after all. 

Arguments recently broke out between para-scientists about how the world will meet its fate. Speaking at the Which End Is Nigh? conference, hosted by the Carpenter Foundation near Reno, Nevada, Damien Onan, who holds the Chair of Homeopathic History at the University of Smethwick, courted controversy by claiming that it doesn't matter which catastrophe will hit us.

"With Homeopathic History," he said, "we have learned that the greatest purity of truth is achieved by repeatedly diluting facts until all trace of them has gone.

"What you're left with," he added, "is something that retains the memory of the real truth. It therefore doesn't matter that Mayan calendars do not continue past 2012 just because there are no Mayans around to create them. Nor is it relevant that there is zero evidence for the existence of Nibiru beyond some dubious connections to Babylonian texts."

He also discounted the idea of the Earth's destruction by the black hole at the center of our galaxy. "Scientists have actually proved that black holes exist," he said, "and that there's a high likelihood of there being one holding our galaxy together. Such a weight of evidence makes this an untenable scenario in a homeopathic context."

He concluded: "The important thing is that we have an unshakeable belief that the world is about to end, and that's worth far more than any amount of so-called data. I'm certainly not buying any Christmas presents." 

Following the discovery of the new Mayan calendar, Mr Onan has been unavailable for comment, but his office commented that he was, "out shopping". 

Aliens probe us!

Russian probe hijacked by Martians!

Phobos-Grunt was supposed to survey Mars - now aliens are using it to probe us!

Phobos-GruntA Russian spacecraft that was supposed to land on Mars' biggest moon, Phobos, has been taken over by extraterrestrials, said sources close to the space agency Roscosmos.

The 15-tonne Phobos-Grunt probe failed to fire its main engine, ending up in Earth orbit instead of hurtling towards the Red Planet. Yet reliable press reports indicate that, instead of slowing falling towards annihilation in Earth's atmosphere, it is actually increasing altitude.

"In spite of all the speculation, there is clearly only one sane explanation for this," claimed William H Carpenter, chief of the Carpenter Foundation for the Unexplained Truth. "Martians have taken control of the spacecraft and are now using it to probe us."

Without power from an engine, such a rising orbit is impossible. Carpenter believes the required energy is being delivered by an alien craft that has now docked with the crippled Russian vehicle.

"The history of Mars missions is littered with failures for both Russia and the US," said Carpenter. "Russia hasn't had a truly successful Mars mission and many of NASA's attempts have ended in failure. I think the Brits tried and failed, too."

The reason for this is simple, he said. "Martians don't like being probed. Who does?"

Some contact has been made with the Phobos-Grunt spacecraft, but Roscosmos is being cagey about what information has been exchanged. Rumors circulating within the space community suggest that the Russians may have received an unexpected message from the craft which might explain its strange behaviour. 

"It's definitely aliens," said Carpenter, "or maybe the Chinese."


Spooks Moan!!

CIA joins in #occupy demonstrations

Cash-strapped spy agency says capitalism ain't what it used to be

CIA agents have joined protests in major centers of capitalism around the world. But instead of spying on the protestors, they're complaining as loudly as anyone.

Inspired by the Occupy Wall Street movement, people have taken to the streets in many major cities, including London and Rome. Most of the demonstrators are made up of anarchists, the unemployed and teenagers who've just discovered politics.

But it turns out they're not the only ones angry with the real world.

"Capitalism has gone all to hell," said one veteran CIA operative in a Guy Fawkes mask who works out of the London office. "We used to have a great time fighting commies - all the guns, helicopters and money we wanted. Now all you hear is that there's no cash. Budget cutbacks. Guys being laid off. But the money's out there somewhere, so who's got it?"

In spite of billions of dollars being appropriated for fighting terrorism after 9/11, most of it is going into the pockets of private contractors, said the CIA spook.

"Took me four weeks to requisition the funds to buy a hooker for a honeytrap," he said. "And another two weeks to get the bullets to terminate the target once we'd trapped him.

"But," he added, "my department spent $2 billion on a 'Terrorist Detector' app for our iPhones from some company in Tel Aviv. Turned out it was just a rebadged version of Foursquare."

At the same time, spooks are suffering like anyone else.

"I can't get a mortgage," he said, "on account of being a 'bad risk' or something. I'm supposed to be the one who says who's a bad risk.

"Meanwhile, cost of living's going up. Have you seen the price of Kevlar clothing?"

The CIA agent said he'd recognised a number of colleagues in the crowd around St Paul's Cathedral. "That's fella's NSA," he said. "Coupla FBI guys here, too. Guess they're all PO'd."

Asked if he thinks this is the start of a worldwide revolution, the CIA agent said: "Oh God I hope so. Things might be back to normal then."


Death Dealer's Double Dead!!

Bin Laden look-alike killed in Pakistan

Authorities describe double as "convincing". But was it actually Ken Lay?

Ken Lay bin LadenSources close to the Pentagon have now confirmed that the person shot dead in a compound in Pakistan was a "very convincing" look-alike for Osama bin Laden.

But officials have refused to comment on rumours that the man posing as the Al Qaeda leader was, in fact, ex-Enron boss Ken Lay.

"We've known for some time that Lay was hiding out on the Afghanistan/Pakistan border," said a senior military intelligence officer who refused to be named. "As you correctly reported in the World Inquisitor some time ago, Lay had joined the Taleban and we believe he was operating under the nom de guerre of Ken bin Laden, as a way of creating confusion among western intelligence agencies. And that certainly worked."

Although President Barack Obama and other government leaders were quick to celebrate the death of Osama bin Laden, doubts crept in very quickly among a number of experts.

"Clearly, this was never bin Laden himself," said William H Carpenter, who heads the Carpenter Foundation for Governmental Conspiracy Verification. "The compound in Abbottabad was said to be luxurious - just the kind of place you'd expect to find the fugitive boss of an American corporation. But bin Laden is known to prefer caves."

According to Carpenter, the photographs of the 'dead' bin Laden show clears signs of Photoshopping. "In fact," he said, "we have evidenced that the images were manipulated by the same people who modified the Obama birth certificate photos."

Carpenter said the next step for the authorities will be to fabricate DNA evidence. "No-one has any way of checking that," he said. "They could take any DNA and say it was bin Laden's. How are we to know? And I've also heard that his body has already been buried at sea. How convenient is that?"

It's likely that US military operations will remain in place around the 'Black Caves' of Tora Bora in Afghanistan - ostensibly to locate other members of Al Qaeda, but in fact to continue the hunt for bin Laden himself.

"That's going to take some time, maybe years," said Carpenter. "And, obviously, President Obama needed a victory now, before the next election, hence the conspiracy. In any case, they're looking in the wrong place. I've been saying for years that bin Laden is actually holed up on the French Polynesian island of Bora Bora. I mean, wouldn't you?"


President not a Muslim!!

Obama birth certificate found - he's Chinese!!

White House releases President Obama's real birth certificate - but there's a big disappointment for some Birthers

Obama birth certificateFollowing intense pressure from Donald Trump and Usenet activists, the White House has finally released a copy of President Barack Obama's long-form birth certificate.

And he's Chinese!

"We wanted to shut up these Birther idiots once and for all," said a White House spokesman, "so we spent all Easter weekend looking for the damn thing. We finally found it stuffed in an envelope with some old utility bills, three tickets to an Emerson, Lake & Palmer concert and seven AOL CDs."

The certificate appears to show Obama's birthplace as Honolulu. However, advanced image analysis by the Carpenter Foundation for American National Purity reveals that the document was recently altered.

"Clearly this is a cover-up of epic proportions," said William Carpenter, founder of the Foundation. "We haven't seen a whitewash of these dimensions since the Nixon days. Except for Clinton. And Bush. And the other Bush."

It's believed that the Carpenter Foundation was hired by Trump to examine the document.

"Trump wanted to prove, once and for all, that Obama is a Muslim," said Carpenter. "This is a huge disappointment for him."

Careful image manipulation showed that Obama's place of birth was not, in fact, Hawaii but the town of Honororo, in the Heilongjiang province of China.

"Although it shows he's not an American, Trump has to be careful not to upset the Chinese," said NewWorldDisorder, a Usenet researcher and aluminum foil salesman. "Hell, no-one wants to upset the Chinese - they own half our damn country." 

Trump has now told Yahoo! News that he simply want to "move on" with what remains of his life.


UN prepares to welcome aliens

New World Order gets ready for visit from extraterrestrial overlords

NASA shrinks the Moon!

Top secret space agency experiments go horribly wrong

Unidentified spacecraft nearly hit Earth, says NASA

So-called 'artificial asteroid' could have caused a disaster

Vatican launches range of condoms - with holes

Pope-approved rubbers help sinners prevent disease and delay their journey to eternal damnation

Russian moon rover was stolen by aliens

Nuclear buggy turns up after being missing for 40 years

Christ killed in dinosaur attack

Jesus wasn't nailed to a cross, he was savaged by a T. Rex according to new evidence from the Holy Land

NASA sells Space Station to aliens !!

Cash-strapped space agency gets good price in timeshare deal

'Jesus rifles' now shooting Crusader bullets

US Army is using holy ammo in its fight to bring God to Afghanistan, says General

Apple launches iSlave mind-control device

Handheld gadget makes controlling slaves easy and hip

Boy scouts to become 'Obama Youth'

Youth organization reforms as armed militia in fight against terrorists, aliens and heathens

UK raises terror alert to 'bothersome'

British Government warns that 'something is up' but can't say what

Airport body scanners search for alien probes

New security scanners at airports are not checking for terrorists - they're looking for alien mind-control victims

Aliens abduct entire cow herds

Extraterrestrials stop mutilating cows and start stealing them

Jesus ate my homework!

Schoolkids say holy visitation destroyed biology papers

Breakfast turns you into a hard drive

Iron is being added to our breakfast cereal so that human bodies can be used as data recording - and tracking - devices, claims scientist