Second Coming and Going
Jesus Christ has returned to Earth. But instead of heralding the Apocalypse, it turned out to be just a brief visit by the Messiah, who said he was "a bit pushed for time".
Christ appeared unexpectedly in the home of 74 year-old Apocrypha Cartwright, an ex-nun and bingo caller living in Duluth.
Cartwright, who has previously been visited by the Virgin Mary, Gandhi, Elvis and Oprah [check that last one, it might be true - ed], said that she was taken by surprise when she found Jesus in her utility room.
"I was just going to put some of my husband's shorts in to soak, because they've got some of those difficult stains, and there He was, standing by the tumbledryer," she quivered. "At first I thought He might be cleaning His robes, but then I could see they were all sort of glowing and ethereal and that sort of thing really needs hand washing."
The Messiah then explained that he was only "popping by".
"I asked Him if He was going to scourge the wicked and cast them into the bottomless pit and bring forth locusts with hair of women and teeth of lions and bring about God's kingdom on Earth," said Cartwright. "But He told me it wasn't really an official visit."
Unsure what she should do, lest she be judged, Cartwright offered the Messiah a cup of tea, which he gladly accepted. "I asked Him if He wanted herbal but He just wrinkled His nose. He also asked if I had any vodka to put in it, which I thought was strange. But I'd drunk the last of it that morning."
Although disappointed that Christ had not come to punish evildoers, the old woman confessed that it was also a bit of a relief. "I was a bit worried I was going to be cast into the great winepress of the wrath of God," she said. "And I still had my curlers in. Hopefully, we'll get a bit more warning when the Apocalypse really happens."
Although his visit was brief, Cartwright says Christ left a message for the world.
"He said to say He was really sorry he couldn't stay," said Cartwright, "but He was literally in the neighborhood and thought He'd drop in to see how we're getting along. He said He'd try to stay longer next time."