Christ scarfs evolution papers
Two ninth grade students from Finger, Tennessee say that Jesus destroyed their biology homework.
"He appeared in a blaze of light and jes’ chewed it right up," said one of the girls - sisters aged 14 and nearly 15 - who cannot be named for fear of further visitations. "I have never been more afraid, or more excited."
According to the girls, Christ appeared in the bedroom they share with their seven brothers, none of whom saw anything but one of whom claims the girls were acting, "Kinda weird, kinda holy."
The Lord commanded the girls to hand over the papers they had written.
"The subject of the homework was evolution," said the elder girl. "I could see he was angry."
Pausing only to request some ketchup, Christ quickly devoured the papers, said "Let that be a lesson" and vanished.
It’s not the first time the girls have had dealings with supernatural forces. Two years ago, they were at the center of a storm when they discovered their gym teacher, Agnes Dawkins, was a witch. Ms Dawkins, whose whereabouts are currently unknown, was never proven innocent.
Some townspeople have criticized the school for setting homework on such a dangerous subject.
"It’s dancing with the devil," said Justice Ezekiel Torquemada, the town’s Judge and District Attorney, and who also runs the county’s leading undertaking business. "We shouldn’t be teaching our children about these black arts. Fortunately, Our Lord stepped in to prevent any damage to these young, impressionable minds. I’m not sure why he ate the papers, though. A bolt of lightning would have done the trick."
The school authorities, however, have been surprised at the reaction.
"We weren’t really expecting them to write about evolution as such," said their science teacher, Rev. Elijah Seraphim. "We just wanted them to explore how Darwin and all that stuff is a government-sponsored conspiracy to turn people away from the true faith. After all, I am the science teacher and that’s what science education is all about, seeking the truth an’ whatnot."
He added that the girls would not be penalized for the mishap.
"As their response to a paper on evolution was to turn in nothing at all, we think that deserves top marks," said Seraphim. "If God had wanted us to believe in evolution, he wouldn’t have sent his only son to eat this homework. Which is proof that evolution is wrong. What could be more scientific than that?"