Dead Man Walking
Notorious corporate criminal and so-called 'dead man' Ken Lay has been seen in Afghanistan, according to uncomfirmed reports coming out of Kabul.
The disgraced Enron boss and convicted crook was apparently spirited out of the US by forces acting on behalf of close personal friend and fellow businessman George W Bush.
One source has been quoted as saying, "There's no way they were gonna let that sucker appeal. Christ alone knows what the asshole would have said to save himself. He knows where the bodies are buried. Really."
The operation used a special team that first went into action the day after the 9/11 attacks, when George W Bush's close personal friends and business partners, the bin Laden family, were flown out of the US on luxury planes while every other flight in the country was grounded.
It's said that Lay stopped off briefly at Guantanamo Bay, to pick up authentic clothes taken from captured 'terrorists'. One guard, who was later interviewed while he was blind drunk in a Havana bar, reported Lay as saying, "That poor, dumb bastard won't need 'em any more."
Some of the information emanating from Afghanistan appears to stem from a mole within Al Qaeda. Known by his cover name Mustaf al Emari, he is rumoured to be Osama bin Laden's favourite manicurist.
Quotes attributed to al Emari suggest that Lay is already at work, providing pension investment advice to Taleban opium lords. "These people have a lot of spare cash and are looking for safe ways of providing for their future."
It's possible that Lay has also joined forces with bin Laden himself. "They're both on the Bush & Cheney payroll," said a Department of Homeland Defence analyst, who preferred not to be named. "So it makes sense if they hang out together. It reduces the chances of a journalist finding one of them."
Pentagon and State Department officials have been unable to confirm the rumours. But one anonymous source said that, "If it's true Lay is helping the Taleban with their finances, then we might actually have a slim chance of beating the bastards after all."