Santa Claus has been classified as an 'enemy insurgent' by the Department of Homeland Defense (DHS) and the Pentagon. If the jolly fat man shows his ruddy face in US airspace, he is liable to be shot down or captured and sent to Guantanamo Bay, said a spokesman for the DHS.
"Someone who goes around distributing high-value gifts for free is a clear and present danger to our way of life, founded as it is on the principles of capitalism. We have evidence that these so-called 'gifts' include Playstations, mobile phones and iPods. No-one gives stuff like that away for nothing. There has to be something behind this. At the very least the guy's a commie, but more likely he's a terrorist determined to undermine our society."
The spokesman pointed to the legend that such gifts are given only to 'boys and girls'. "This is a direct attack on the most vulnerable section of our community. We have an obligation to put a stop to this — you know, for the children."
He also emphasised that the only children who were promised such gifts were those who had been 'good'.
"What this means is children who are passive or timid," he explained. "That directly undermines the warriorlike ethos we have striven so hard to inculcate in our youngsters, through movies, video games, military academies and the general militarisation of our society. If this so-called Santa had his way, our children would grow up a nation of namby-pamby, peace-loving liberals. Then where would we be?"
Supported by a highly trained cadre of reindeer, Santa always works under the cover of darkness and repeatedly enters private homes by unconventional means, according to a Pentagon briefing. However, the traditional story that he breaks into every home in the world in one night is clearly impossible and points to the existence of a shadowy organisation, perhaps supporting a worldwide network of Santas who use the big white beard and red uniform to disguise their identities.
"What we want to know is, who's funding him and what's their agenda?" said a CIA agent who wished to remain anonymous. "But don't for a second doubt that their intention is malicious. Just one look at the horns on those reindeer will tell you that they mean business."
A major operation by the DHS has revealed a network of what it calls 'pseudo-Santas' or 'Santa sympathizers', working undercover in department stores across the country. A leaked memo describes the function of these fake fatties as "unclear" but says "they may represent a potential fifth column designed to spread propaganda and build support, or they may even be 'sleeper' cells awaiting the command to take action, which will probably be encoded in so-called 'carols'."
The DHS says it intends to take firm action against this new threat "as soon as our guys get back from the holidays".