Lady Caine - the weird side of the War on Drugs
“Finding truth in the strangest places”

Extraterrestrial Beastliness

Aliens Screwed My Cow !!

"What's she got that I ain't?" wails disappointed abductee wannabe

Two-headed calf It was a night of terror for one lonely farmer in Wisconsin. For more than three hours she was held hostage by sex-starved aliens as they satisfied their perverted intergalactic urges.

"Trouble was," said 75 year-old Miss X, "they only had eyes for my cow. Horrible, slitty bug-eyes."

It all started as the spinster was about to go to bed one night last year. "Weren't nuthin' on the TV but fags an' unbelievers," stated the bitter old crone. "So I figured I might as well get some shut-eye. I'd just shut the horse in the stable and was looking at the sky tryin' to do some thinkin' when I saw this light."

The light turned into a strange craft. "I could tell it wasn't no airplane." When asked how, she said, "It just wasn't. I couldn't rightly make out the shape. What shape are they these days anyhow?"

Within seconds, the old lady was surrounded by small, gray beings with large, almond-shaped eyes. "They wuz jes' like ET," she said, "but, you know, real mean."

The creatures tied her up. "They wuz snickerin' and hollerin'. I knew what those horny little devils wuz after."

Just as she had prepared herself for a terrible ordeal, the creatures instead turned their attentions to Miss X's house cow. "Poor lil critter didn't know what hit her," wept the old lady.

When the extraterrestrial creatures had sated their desires, they untied the old woman and left the way they had come. "Jes' vanished. Not even a 'thank you' for the use o' the cow."

But the old woman's torment wasn't over. It wasn't long before she realised her beloved bovine was pregnant. "That scared the livin' shit outta me," she moaned. "I didn't know what wuz gonna come poppin' out."

Only a month later, the cow gave birth to a healthy calf - but a calf with two heads and weird glowing eyes. "Ain't no use to me," spat the old lady. "It spooks the horse and eats twice as much. I tell ya, that sucker's destined for the circus, if they'll take 'im."