ETs get legal
An extraterrestrial being, who claims to be from the Sirius star system, is demanding the return of the UFO that 'crashed' at Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.
The legal action is being taken on behalf of an extraterrestrial consortium, led by an alien who would identify himself only as 'Jesse'. He says that the US Air Force (USAF) had no right to impound the vehicle and that they might be seeking personal injury compensation for its occupants.
"They were just dragged away to a hangar like so many dead bodies," he said. "That's no way to treat visitors to your country."
He also said that the extraterrestrials he represented would be suing for royalties on all technologies reverse-engineered from the spacecraft. "That's our intellectual property," he said, "and we expect to receive a cut for every stealth plane, spy satellite, laser weapon and iPod."
He added: "All your technologies are belong to us."
'Jesse' went on to say that the list also includes the Linux operating system and that the aliens would seek to employ the services of SCO chief executive Darl McBride as soon as his current employers disappear. However, he refused to elaborate on a statement that "McBride is already one of us".
According to the alien, USAF is still holding the crashed spacecraft. "We know it's in Hangar 18 at Area 51, or Groom Lake, or Dreamland or whatever you want to call it. Everyone knows that and, so far, the US Government has failed to properly deny it. But it's our property and we want it back."
In spite of original reports, in 1947, of 'debris', the alien group believes the spacecraft might still be flyable and that, in fact, the US military has been using it extensively. "What do you think they used to blow up the Pentagon on 9/11?" said 'Jesse'. "A 767? Oh puhleeze! Have you seen any film of an actual 767 hitting the Pentagon? No, it was our spacecraft that made that whole conspiracy possible and it's time we got credit for that."
The consortium will try to prove in court that USAF has been using the craft and will seek to recover rental fees and mileage charges.
'Jesse' declined to say why the UFO crashed, but did admit that its occupants, who were all teenage Althusians, might have been "enjoying themselves a bit too much".
A speaker at yesterday's high-level environmental conference in England claims to have proof that global warming is not caused by mankind, but by aliens. He also said the aliens are part of a US Government conspiracy to sell off the Earth's atmosphere.
"Global warming and the ozone hole have got nothing to do with CFCs, car emissions, airplanes or CO2," he said. "It's all because aliens are stealing our ozone."
The unidentified speaker, who gatecrashed the conference, took the podium less than a hour after the last of the official speakers had left the building. His appearance seemed to be carefully timed so that he spoke only to the handful of remaining journalists and other drunks.
The unscheduled appearance occurred on the last day of a two-day conference entitled 'Why is the weather so crap?' held in Clacton, England. It was attended mainly by clerks from governmental environment agencies across the UK and their secretaries. NGOs such as Greenpeace and Friends of the Earth were not there, probably because, as one PR spokesbunny said, "We don't care".
The gatecrasher claimed to be from the US Environmental Protection Agency and had an official, inkjet-printed EPA badge stapled to his tin-foil beanie.
"Our Government is selling off the ozone," he said, "but I have evidence that the aliens are taking more than they're paying for. Now that's plain stealing."
When contacted by the Weekly World Inquisitor, a US Government spokesperson admitted: "We have created an Atmospheric Privatization Initiative which is leveraging a public-private partnership methodology to monetize under-utilised resources in the Earth's non-ground-based assets." But when pressed if they are doing deals with aliens to sell off the ozone, he replied, "I'm sorry, I don't understand the question."
Later, speaking privately with the Weekly World Inquisitor's reporter in a nearby pub, the gatecrasher was unable to say why the aliens might be stealing our atmosphere. "Christ knows what they're doing with it," he said. "What use is ozone?"