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UFO Drunk Drivers

Teen aliens on drunken rampage

Recent UFO sightings may have been caused by extraterrestrial juvenile delinquents, says expert

Crop circle attempt by drunk aliens Hopped-up Reptilians and pie-eyed Grays are wreaking havoc in our skies, crop fields and cattle herds, says UFO expert Dr William H Carpenter.

Drinking and substance abuse are now rampant among visiting extraterrestrials, he claims, especially among the younger space travelers.

Carpenter heads the Carpenter Foundation which publishes books and DVDs on UFOs, alien abductions, cattle mutilations, and paranormal phenomena and also provides rehab facilities for celebrities.

He points to several recent examples of attempts at crop circles that have gone horribly wrong, botched abductions and erratic flying during the day with lights on, in plain view of humans with video cameras.

"This bears all the hallmarks of juvenile behavior," said Carpenter. "Worse, it's typical of youths high on drugs or alcohol. And my fear is that it's all our fault."

Sixty years of contact with humans may have resulted in some of our worst traits rubbing off on the celestial visitors, Carpenter believes. "It looks as though our own degradation has let to a fall in personal and professional standards on the part of our extraterrestrial guests," he said. "Youngsters are very vulnerable to such corruption and there's no reason to assume aliens are any different."

It's essential we make contact with the UFO drivers, says Carpenter. "Not only do we need to extend the hand of peace, to learn what we can from these advanced civilizations, to explore the infinite wonder of creation and expand our consciousness through the insights they can provide into the mysteries of the universe, we also have to make them understand they they need to obey our laws and act in an adult and responsible manner." 

But enforcing our rules on the intergalactic teens could be a tough job, he admits, especially when it comes to drinking. "Alas, even if we could meet them face-to-face," said Carpenter, "there would be no way of telling if they were under-age."


Frankenstein Foods

Aliens refuse to make circles in GM crops

Health-conscious ETs steer clear of genetically modified plants

Crop circle - but not in GM crops Alien visitors to planet Earth are boycotting genetically modified (GM) crops, claims a leading scientist.

Buck Uranus, chief astronomer for the William H Carpenter Foundation in Nevada, believes the extraterrestrials are refusing to create crop circles in GM maize, wheat and other cereals because of fears of possible side-effects.

The scientist has conducted a major survey of crop circles created over the past five years and says he has not found a single example left in fields containing GM crops.

"In my spare time, I channel messages from alien beings," said Uranus, "and from what I've been hearing, these guys have got some serious reservations about what we're doing down here. One of them told me he's even thinking of using another planet for his artwork."

According to Uranus, one shape-shifting lizard said: "The long-term effects of these 'frankenstein crops' are just so uncertain. Let's face it, it's not natural. And after the rigours of crossing many light years of space in order to leave some pretty patterns in your fields, we'd rather not take that extra risk."

The visitors from outer space also have fears about contamination of plants on their own worlds, says Uranus. He claims that one Gray told him: "Just imagine — we accidentally pick up a few seeds on our undercarriage and take them home without knowing. They could spread like wildfire then and we'd end up paying Monsanto an annual fee just to grow flooble beans on our own planet. Madness."

Monsanto has not commented on these allegations.