Lucky Strike for Lizard Creature
A shape-shifting, lizard-like extraterrestrial from the Third District of Alpha Centauri has won $1 million on the Missouri State Lottery.
"I only popped in for the weekend - you know, to pick up a few human specimens for breeding experiments and maybe mutilate a couple of cows," explained XcyyUfgt Pw!zzz, who prefers to be known by his MySpace handle of m3m3g33k. "I'd just snatched this 7-11 clerk who was sleeping at the checkout when he convinced me to buy an instant lottery ticket. I was so surprised to find I'd won I forgot to give the guy his probe."
The lucky lizard decided to stay a few extra days to pick up his winnings. At the time that state officials handed him his loot, plucky m3m3g33k had assumed the form of a computer programmer. "That was a bad move," he admits. "They immediately assumed I was underage, or at least not fully mature, so they nearly kept the money. Fortunately, I was just starting to morph into a Cerulian Ninja Pigeon, and that convinced them to hand it over."
The cash will help the overworked ET to kick back a little. "Finally I can give up abducting, probing and mutilating and create a new life for myself. Now all I have to do is find a bank that will let me open an account."
Asked if he would take the opportunity to settle in the US, m3m3g33k replied: "Are you kidding? This is no place for an illegal alien. Besides, there's all that Patriot Law crap. I mean, back home we do still eat our young sometimes, and you can get vapourised just for passing wind in the direction of the High Council, but this country's like a fucking police state."
He drew breath, then added: "Food's not up to much, either. You ever try raw cow anus?"