Aliens probe us!
A Russian spacecraft that was supposed to land on Mars' biggest moon, Phobos, has been taken over by extraterrestrials, said sources close to the space agency Roscosmos.
The 15-tonne Phobos-Grunt probe failed to fire its main engine, ending up in Earth orbit instead of hurtling towards the Red Planet. Yet reliable press reports indicate that, instead of slowing falling towards annihilation in Earth's atmosphere, it is actually increasing altitude.
"In spite of all the speculation, there is clearly only one sane explanation for this," claimed William H Carpenter, chief of the Carpenter Foundation for the Unexplained Truth. "Martians have taken control of the spacecraft and are now using it to probe us."
Without power from an engine, such a rising orbit is impossible. Carpenter believes the required energy is being delivered by an alien craft that has now docked with the crippled Russian vehicle.
"The history of Mars missions is littered with failures for both Russia and the US," said Carpenter. "Russia hasn't had a truly successful Mars mission and many of NASA's attempts have ended in failure. I think the Brits tried and failed, too."
The reason for this is simple, he said. "Martians don't like being probed. Who does?"
Some contact has been made with the Phobos-Grunt spacecraft, but Roscosmos is being cagey about what information has been exchanged. Rumors circulating within the space community suggest that the Russians may have received an unexpected message from the craft which might explain its strange behaviour.
"It's definitely aliens," said Carpenter, "or maybe the Chinese."
NASA tracks alien spaceship
An object described by NASA as 'artificial' came close to colliding with Planet Earth, say the space agency's top scientists. The craft is now moving away from us, but it's only by sheer luck that the close encounter did not end in disaster.
NASA has admitted that the object could not have been an asteroid. And in a startling later confession, it announced that it believed it to be "artificial" and "a spacecraft".
The object, known by the cover name 'asteroid' 2010 KQ, was tracked by the Near-Earth Object Program, based at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, California. This is the organisation tasked by the Government to keep track of alien craft approaching Earth.
In an official statement, suppressed until after the object had passed, NASA announced:
"Observations by astronomer S J Bus, using the NASA-sponsored Infrared Telescope Facility in Mauna Kea, Hawaii, indicate that 2010 KQ's spectral characteristics do not match any of the known asteroid types, and the object's absolute magnitude (28.9) suggests it is only a few meters in size."
However, William H Carpenter, of the Carpenter Foundation for Space Conspiracies, said: "The data about the size is clearly disinformation. Not only could they not track an object that small for so long, why would they even mention it?"
He added: "Clearly our planet came close to destruction at the hands of an alien craft - and now they're telling lies about it."
Without saying how they know, NASA scientists now claim that they expect the spacecraft to return in 2036.
"Clearly, they're trying to put us off the scent," said Carpenter. "I think 2012 is more likely."
Atomic Car Found on Moon!!
An unmanned Russian lunar rover, missing for the past 40 years, has turned up on the Moon - and now we know why it disappeared. It was stolen by aliens.
"It's a problem NASA never talks about," said William H Carpenter, head of the Carpenter Foundation for Galactic Law Enforcement. "People imagine the biggest problems with aliens are abduction and the possibility of interstallar war. But on a day-to-day basis, the real issue is petty theft."
The Soviet-era Lunokhod 1 rover landed on the Moon in 1970. For nearly a year it bumbled about the Mare Imbrium, thanks to its Polonium-210 atomic power pack, sending back information to its Communist masters. Then it disappeared.
Now NASA's Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO) which is circling the Moon taking snaps of the surface, has found the missing vehicle.
NASA has released fuzzy images it says are the Soviet rover. But inside sources say they have much higher resolution images that are being kept secret.
"The reason is simple," says Carpenter. "The pictures show evidence that the Lunokhod has been adapted for use by aliens. According to my sources, small seats have been added, and the whole vehicle has been given a custom paint job featuring strange symbols."
NASA has so far refused to comment on the rumors. However, it's well known within space circles that theft is a serious problem for rovers and other planetary exploration vehicles. The US, Russia and the UK have all had missions end abruptly when their satellites, probes and buggies have inexplicably vanished - most notably on Mars missions.
Now it seems that the problem started 40 years ago and much closer to home.
Not everyone within the US space agency accepts the theft theory, though.
"I find it hard to believe," said one NASA scientist. "Why would aliens steal some Russki POS like the Lunokhod when, around the same time, our boys on the Apollo 14 and 15 missions were blasting around the lunar surface in American hot rods? I mean, have you seen the Lunokhod?"
Some scientists likened the Lunokhod 1 and its lander craft (right) to a 'flying dustbin'. But Carpenter thinks the aliens may have made a smart choice.
"Aside from the fact that it was unmanned, so the aliens didn't have to bother with abducting anyone, the Lunokhod was actually pretty robust," he said. "And that's what you want when you're driving around the hostile, unforgiving surface of the Moon. The American lunar rovers were much sleeker and better equipped. But you just know that, one week past the warranty period, they'd have broken down."
Cheddar Lost in Space
Britain's space program has suffered a major setback after its latest mission ended in disaster. Just minutes after launch from a field in Wiltshire, England, mission control lost contact with the spacecraft and its precious cargo - 300g (0.666lb) of Somerset farmhouse cheddar cheese.
"There's no doubt in my mind," said Wallace Wensleydale, unofficial spokesman for the program, "this was an act of aggression from forces beyond our planet."
During preparations for the mission, scientists from the West Country Farmhouse Cheesemakers' Group, which is apparently responsible for Britain's current space program, had carefully and meticulously glued the lump of cheese to a plate. Also on board the spacecraft was a camera to monitor the cheese as it ascended quite close to the edge of near-space. The craft - a modified, military-surplus weather balloon - also carried a radio tracking device so that the scientists could recover the cheese for analysis after the mission.
"We knew that the cheese was going to be subject to extreme forces during its epic journey," said Wensleydale. "And it could end up almost anywhere - perhaps as far away as Somerset or, God forbid, Cheshire. We wanted to study what effect getting close to space has on dairy-based comestibles."
But they were never to get the chance.
The launch was intended to celebrate the 40th anniversary of Neil Armstrong stepping on to the moon (some in the group still believe that was a cheese-related mission). But the result was less Apollo and more Roswell.
"Clearly, this is proof that the aliens responsible for abductions, cattle mutilations and other dark acts are French. Or French-like," said Wensleydale. "At the very least, we know they're cheese-eating."
Others are less sure. "We think it's somewhere in the East of England - possibly in Essex or Hertfordshire," said Dom Lane, of the cheesemakers' group to a British newspaper.
The group issued a plea for anyone finding the Cheddar payload to return it to mission control. It's believed they are offering a reward of up to three packs of salted crackers.
UPDATE! The cheese has been found - dumped in a field in South Buckinghamshire. First reports suggest the lump of cheddar is intact and apparently unmolested. However, the full details won't be known until forensic tests have been completed.
"This in no way affects my belief that the aliens who originally abducted it were French-like," said Wallace Wensleydale. "Clearly, the cheese-eating ETs were attracted to it, probably by the smell. But when they discovered it was a good, solid English cheese, and not some of that runny French muck like Camembert, they rejected it."
Scientists analyzing the recovered space cheese refused to comment on whether the cheddar had been probed or mutilated in any way. "It's too early to tell," said one, "but frankly, I don't like the look of it."