NASA tracks alien spaceship
An object described by NASA as 'artificial' came close to colliding with Planet Earth, say the space agency's top scientists. The craft is now moving away from us, but it's only by sheer luck that the close encounter did not end in disaster.
NASA has admitted that the object could not have been an asteroid. And in a startling later confession, it announced that it believed it to be "artificial" and "a spacecraft".
The object, known by the cover name 'asteroid' 2010 KQ, was tracked by the Near-Earth Object Program, based at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, California. This is the organisation tasked by the Government to keep track of alien craft approaching Earth.
In an official statement, suppressed until after the object had passed, NASA announced:
"Observations by astronomer S J Bus, using the NASA-sponsored Infrared Telescope Facility in Mauna Kea, Hawaii, indicate that 2010 KQ's spectral characteristics do not match any of the known asteroid types, and the object's absolute magnitude (28.9) suggests it is only a few meters in size."
However, William H Carpenter, of the Carpenter Foundation for Space Conspiracies, said: "The data about the size is clearly disinformation. Not only could they not track an object that small for so long, why would they even mention it?"
He added: "Clearly our planet came close to destruction at the hands of an alien craft - and now they're telling lies about it."
Without saying how they know, NASA scientists now claim that they expect the spacecraft to return in 2036.
"Clearly, they're trying to put us off the scent," said Carpenter. "I think 2012 is more likely."
Cheddar Lost in Space
Britain's space program has suffered a major setback after its latest mission ended in disaster. Just minutes after launch from a field in Wiltshire, England, mission control lost contact with the spacecraft and its precious cargo - 300g (0.666lb) of Somerset farmhouse cheddar cheese.
"There's no doubt in my mind," said Wallace Wensleydale, unofficial spokesman for the program, "this was an act of aggression from forces beyond our planet."
During preparations for the mission, scientists from the West Country Farmhouse Cheesemakers' Group, which is apparently responsible for Britain's current space program, had carefully and meticulously glued the lump of cheese to a plate. Also on board the spacecraft was a camera to monitor the cheese as it ascended quite close to the edge of near-space. The craft - a modified, military-surplus weather balloon - also carried a radio tracking device so that the scientists could recover the cheese for analysis after the mission.
"We knew that the cheese was going to be subject to extreme forces during its epic journey," said Wensleydale. "And it could end up almost anywhere - perhaps as far away as Somerset or, God forbid, Cheshire. We wanted to study what effect getting close to space has on dairy-based comestibles."
But they were never to get the chance.
The launch was intended to celebrate the 40th anniversary of Neil Armstrong stepping on to the moon (some in the group still believe that was a cheese-related mission). But the result was less Apollo and more Roswell.
"Clearly, this is proof that the aliens responsible for abductions, cattle mutilations and other dark acts are French. Or French-like," said Wensleydale. "At the very least, we know they're cheese-eating."
Others are less sure. "We think it's somewhere in the East of England - possibly in Essex or Hertfordshire," said Dom Lane, of the cheesemakers' group to a British newspaper.
The group issued a plea for anyone finding the Cheddar payload to return it to mission control. It's believed they are offering a reward of up to three packs of salted crackers.
UPDATE! The cheese has been found - dumped in a field in South Buckinghamshire. First reports suggest the lump of cheddar is intact and apparently unmolested. However, the full details won't be known until forensic tests have been completed.
"This in no way affects my belief that the aliens who originally abducted it were French-like," said Wallace Wensleydale. "Clearly, the cheese-eating ETs were attracted to it, probably by the smell. But when they discovered it was a good, solid English cheese, and not some of that runny French muck like Camembert, they rejected it."
Scientists analyzing the recovered space cheese refused to comment on whether the cheddar had been probed or mutilated in any way. "It's too early to tell," said one, "but frankly, I don't like the look of it."
Limeys lick alien invaders
A warship of England's Royal Navy has shot down a UFO. But already a cover-up has started to suppress reports of the engagement.
The epic battle with alien forces took place in the skies above the Beatles' home town of Liverpool - in broad daylight.
According to press reports, the destroyer, HMS Daring, lived up to its name when it engaged and defeated the extraterrestrial invaders even though the ship was docked!
Yet few newpapers and no TV stations have reported this historic battle. And those reports that have been published online have been toned-down, suggesting that HMS Daring merely 'tracked' or 'followed' the alien craft.
"It was another great victory to add to the long list of battle honors for the Royal Navy," said Rear-Admiral Julian Uppington-Harris, RN (retd). "Outnumbered and outgunned, Daring was still able to see off these upstart aliens. I mean, who do they think they are coming into this country without our permission and without identifying themselves? I bet our Immigration people would have a few things to say about that. And I bet these aliens don't have jobs or qualifications."
Eyewitnesses saw bright lights soaring across the sky. One flabbergasted Liverpudlian said: "They were exactly like flares. But they weren't flares. I haven't seen flares, but flares don't look like that."
Immediately, HMS Daring's weapons zoned in on the invaders.
"It was a bit tricky," said Uppington-Harris who, since retiring from the Navy, has run a new-age boutique in the Speke area of Liverpool, selling crystals, homeopathy, Orgone accumulators and massage services. "Because the British armed forces have run out of money, Daring still doesn't have its radar-guided Phalanx guns. Nor its main weapons, the PAAMS missiles. But I understand that several able-bodied seamen and the Purser were quickly issued rifles and engaged the alien spacecraft."
Certainly, onlookers on shore reported that the bright lights quickly disappeared.
The aliens used advanced 'cloaking' technology making their spacecraft very stealthy. According to spokespeople for the nearby airport, there was no trace of the extraterrestrial craft on radar.
"I want to know why this glorious victory is being hushed-up," said Uppington-Harris. "It's clear to me that reports on the web are being censored and rewritten even as we speak, by dark foces within the Government. Yet, let's face it, Britiain could do with a few more successes. And what could be better? Here's an entirely new species from a distant world and, thanks to the might of the Royal Navy, we've managed to wipe it out. It's like the good old days of the Empire."