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ETs Bug Out of Iraq

Aliens boycott Baghdad

"We've been to some dangerous places, but this is ridiculous," says leading extraterrestrial abductor

Alien beings are refusing to abduct people from Baghdad, and some are saying they won't even appear in Iraq's skies.

Nigel Monsignor, one of the world's most respected UFOlogists, said there is already indisputable proof that the boycott is in progress. "All the news coverage of Iraq is about stuff like bombings, shootings, kidnaps, lack of water and power, civil rights abuses, torture and corruption," he said. "There has not been a single report of UFO sightings or abduction by aliens. Plenty of abductions, just no extraterrestrials."

At a press conference in Smethwick, England, Monsignor read out a transcript of a message from one of the alien creatures. It was channeled by American TV evangelist and congressman Zeke Graftful, who is co-author, with Monsignor, of the book Only We Know: The true and exclusive story of what aliens are up to on Earth.

"I've abducted people from some of Earth's most dangerous places," claimed the channeled alien, who wished to remain anonymous. "We regularly visited Saigon during the height of that war. I've worked in El Salvador, Chile, Nicaragua, Afghanistan, even Washington, DC. But one tour in Baghdad was enough. There's no way I'm going back to Iraq. I'll desert first."

The extraterrestrial explained that aliens often use US involvement in foreign conflicts as cover for their operations. "It's perfect: no-one is really surprised when people go missing," he said. "I mean, we worked for years in El Salvador without anyone realising it was us. But even the Americans are getting their asses kicked in this one."

Earth has never been considered a popular posting, he said. But the situation in Iraq may result in alien lifeforms ignoring the planet altogether.

"When the Intergalactic Federation gave us the Earth franchise, we knew it was going to be a tough gig," added the alien. "The head of the Species Collection & Experimentation Committee said we were probably wasting our time. We proved her wrong, though, and our team is responsible for the finest collection of manic depressives, psychotics, paranoid schizophrenics and bovine rectums in the whole galaxy. But enough is enough. It's just not worth the risk anymore."