ET cattle drive!!
Out in the uncharted wilds of New Mexico, mysterious alien beings are rustling cattle. Not content with mutilating the occasional cow, the extraterrestrial bandits have started stealing livestock wholesale.
One farmer has lost nearly a third of his herd and others report scores of missing animals.
"It always happens at night," said one farmer. "Or, you know, when we're not around to see it happen."
Another, who described himself as "devastated" and "still waiting for the insurance check", said: "They used to just take the parts they needed. It was annoying, but we could live with that. Now the little green sons o' bitches are taking the whole damn thing! And not just one cow, but dozens of 'em."
However, some scientists view this as a breakthrough in our understanding of these interstellar visitors.
"We always assumed that they were taking cow parts for analysis," says William H Carpenter, founder of the Carpenter Faith Foundation for Extraterrestrial Science. "The parts of the body they used to concentrate on suggested they were especially interested in reproductive issues. But now a different picture is emerging."
Carpenter believes the days of experimenting are over. "You'll notice," he says, "that human abductees are always returned unharmed. Probed, but unharmed. But these cows aren't coming back."
His conclusion is startling.
"They're eating them," he says. "I've always maintained that alien visits to this planet are connected with their search for resources. Perhaps their own planet is in ruins. Now they've located a new source of food."
So what does it tell us about aliens?
"They like burgers," says Carpenter. "And maybe they're partial to barbeques. But who isn't?"
And the revelations don't end there. In his 2009 book, Moment of Destiny: How the Promised Land will come to us, Carpenter claimed that aliens have been walking among us for years. In fact, he says, the human race - at least, certain influential and gifted members of it - are descended from extraterrestrials. These new developments prove his hypothesis, he says.
"They are so like us. The amount of beef they seem to be consuming, and the fact that they're stealing it, means they've learned to fit in with human society. They have become indistinguishable from ordinary Americans."
Our response to this turn of events should be gratitude, says Carpenter.
"After all their abductions and experiments, they seem to have made their choice," he says. "And we should be glad that their taste runs to beef - not humans."
Limeys lick alien invaders
A warship of England's Royal Navy has shot down a UFO. But already a cover-up has started to suppress reports of the engagement.
The epic battle with alien forces took place in the skies above the Beatles' home town of Liverpool - in broad daylight.
According to press reports, the destroyer, HMS Daring, lived up to its name when it engaged and defeated the extraterrestrial invaders even though the ship was docked!
Yet few newpapers and no TV stations have reported this historic battle. And those reports that have been published online have been toned-down, suggesting that HMS Daring merely 'tracked' or 'followed' the alien craft.
"It was another great victory to add to the long list of battle honors for the Royal Navy," said Rear-Admiral Julian Uppington-Harris, RN (retd). "Outnumbered and outgunned, Daring was still able to see off these upstart aliens. I mean, who do they think they are coming into this country without our permission and without identifying themselves? I bet our Immigration people would have a few things to say about that. And I bet these aliens don't have jobs or qualifications."
Eyewitnesses saw bright lights soaring across the sky. One flabbergasted Liverpudlian said: "They were exactly like flares. But they weren't flares. I haven't seen flares, but flares don't look like that."
Immediately, HMS Daring's weapons zoned in on the invaders.
"It was a bit tricky," said Uppington-Harris who, since retiring from the Navy, has run a new-age boutique in the Speke area of Liverpool, selling crystals, homeopathy, Orgone accumulators and massage services. "Because the British armed forces have run out of money, Daring still doesn't have its radar-guided Phalanx guns. Nor its main weapons, the PAAMS missiles. But I understand that several able-bodied seamen and the Purser were quickly issued rifles and engaged the alien spacecraft."
Certainly, onlookers on shore reported that the bright lights quickly disappeared.
The aliens used advanced 'cloaking' technology making their spacecraft very stealthy. According to spokespeople for the nearby airport, there was no trace of the extraterrestrial craft on radar.
"I want to know why this glorious victory is being hushed-up," said Uppington-Harris. "It's clear to me that reports on the web are being censored and rewritten even as we speak, by dark foces within the Government. Yet, let's face it, Britiain could do with a few more successes. And what could be better? Here's an entirely new species from a distant world and, thanks to the might of the Royal Navy, we've managed to wipe it out. It's like the good old days of the Empire."
ETs in Hollywood
The summer blockbuster movie The X-Files: I Want to Believe was made using real aliens, says the Weekly World Inquisitor's own UFO reporter, Dick Kennedy.
Kennedy was an extra on the movie and claims he saw the aliens being kept in special trailers on a secure part of the set. The extraterrestrials played themselves in certain scenes of the movie - scenes that Kennedy described as "terrifying" and "bizarre".
During all filming that involved the aliens, the set was closed and heavily guarded by what Kennedy believes to have been genuine FBI agents.
The stars of the movie apparently found working with the extraterrestrials difficult. David Duchovny reportedly refused to go near the aliens' trailers. And Kennedy overheard Gillian Anderson refer to them as "those slimy fucking lizard freaks", though an assistant later claimed she was referring to the movie's backers.
Currently on unpaid leave due to personal problems, Kennedy has had many encounters with strange forces and unexplainable phenomena. "I don't get hysterical about this stuff," he said. "I've had more encounters than Spook Mulder so I know an alien when I see one."
This isn't the first time this has happened. The star of the hit 1970s movie ET was also a real alien, according to insiders.
"Special effects just weren't that good back in those days," said Hollywood cinematographer Frankie Fredericks, who says he was deputy assistant focus puller on the second unit for ET. "Look how badly they faked the moon missions. We could never have made ET if we hadn't had help from ... you know, beyond."
But special effects and CGI are now very sophisticated. "Most people even think the Space Shuttle is real," said Fredericks.
So why did the X-Files film need genuine extraterrestrials?
"I think the reason is far more sinister," says Kennedy. "We have to ask ourselves, who really funds these films? There are groups, operating outside of the state-manipulated media, who believe that alien-themed movies are all part of a covert Government plan."
One such group, believed by some to have been established by the underground hackers network Reptilinet, claims that Independence Day, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, War of the Worlds and the entire X-Files franchise are part of a scheme to test the public's reaction to the idea of an alien invasion. "They also help to prepare people, to brainwash them into accepting aliens into our midst," said one anonymous member. "That's because some of them are already here, operating in certain spheres like banking, movies and politics. If you want to know where Hollywood's money comes from, look to the stars."
A leading Hollywood director failed to deny the group's accusations, but simply characterised the group's members as "idiots".
Investigative reporters are now looking into the possibility that other movies made use of help from beyond our planet. For example, Charlton Heston's appearances in sci-fi classics like Soylent Green and the Planet of the Apes series has called his origins into question. "If he really was from another planet, it would explain his acting style," said one dubious film fan. Some also question whether he really died recently or was simply called back to his mothership.
The late 1970s also saw the launch of the Star Wars franchise. Did that make use of alien technology?
"You'll have to ask George Lucas," said cameraman Fredericks. "Right now I think he's in the Pleiades somewhere."