UFO Drunk Drivers
Hopped-up Reptilians and pie-eyed Grays are wreaking havoc in our skies, crop fields and cattle herds, says UFO expert Dr William H Carpenter.
Drinking and substance abuse are now rampant among visiting extraterrestrials, he claims, especially among the younger space travelers.
Carpenter heads the Carpenter Foundation which publishes books and DVDs on UFOs, alien abductions, cattle mutilations, and paranormal phenomena and also provides rehab facilities for celebrities.
He points to several recent examples of attempts at crop circles that have gone horribly wrong, botched abductions and erratic flying during the day with lights on, in plain view of humans with video cameras.
"This bears all the hallmarks of juvenile behavior," said Carpenter. "Worse, it's typical of youths high on drugs or alcohol. And my fear is that it's all our fault."
Sixty years of contact with humans may have resulted in some of our worst traits rubbing off on the celestial visitors, Carpenter believes. "It looks as though our own degradation has let to a fall in personal and professional standards on the part of our extraterrestrial guests," he said. "Youngsters are very vulnerable to such corruption and there's no reason to assume aliens are any different."
It's essential we make contact with the UFO drivers, says Carpenter. "Not only do we need to extend the hand of peace, to learn what we can from these advanced civilizations, to explore the infinite wonder of creation and expand our consciousness through the insights they can provide into the mysteries of the universe, we also have to make them understand they they need to obey our laws and act in an adult and responsible manner."
But enforcing our rules on the intergalactic teens could be a tough job, he admits, especially when it comes to drinking. "Alas, even if we could meet them face-to-face," said Carpenter, "there would be no way of telling if they were under-age."
ETs Bug Out of Iraq
Alien beings are refusing to abduct people from Baghdad, and some are saying they won't even appear in Iraq's skies.
Nigel Monsignor, one of the world's most respected UFOlogists, said there is already indisputable proof that the boycott is in progress. "All the news coverage of Iraq is about stuff like bombings, shootings, kidnaps, lack of water and power, civil rights abuses, torture and corruption," he said. "There has not been a single report of UFO sightings or abduction by aliens. Plenty of abductions, just no extraterrestrials."
At a press conference in Smethwick, England, Monsignor read out a transcript of a message from one of the alien creatures. It was channeled by American TV evangelist and congressman Zeke Graftful, who is co-author, with Monsignor, of the book Only We Know: The true and exclusive story of what aliens are up to on Earth.
"I've abducted people from some of Earth's most dangerous places," claimed the channeled alien, who wished to remain anonymous. "We regularly visited Saigon during the height of that war. I've worked in El Salvador, Chile, Nicaragua, Afghanistan, even Washington, DC. But one tour in Baghdad was enough. There's no way I'm going back to Iraq. I'll desert first."
The extraterrestrial explained that aliens often use US involvement in foreign conflicts as cover for their operations. "It's perfect: no-one is really surprised when people go missing," he said. "I mean, we worked for years in El Salvador without anyone realising it was us. But even the Americans are getting their asses kicked in this one."
Earth has never been considered a popular posting, he said. But the situation in Iraq may result in alien lifeforms ignoring the planet altogether.
"When the Intergalactic Federation gave us the Earth franchise, we knew it was going to be a tough gig," added the alien. "The head of the Species Collection & Experimentation Committee said we were probably wasting our time. We proved her wrong, though, and our team is responsible for the finest collection of manic depressives, psychotics, paranoid schizophrenics and bovine rectums in the whole galaxy. But enough is enough. It's just not worth the risk anymore."
ETs get legal
An extraterrestrial being, who claims to be from the Sirius star system, is demanding the return of the UFO that 'crashed' at Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.
The legal action is being taken on behalf of an extraterrestrial consortium, led by an alien who would identify himself only as 'Jesse'. He says that the US Air Force (USAF) had no right to impound the vehicle and that they might be seeking personal injury compensation for its occupants.
"They were just dragged away to a hangar like so many dead bodies," he said. "That's no way to treat visitors to your country."
He also said that the extraterrestrials he represented would be suing for royalties on all technologies reverse-engineered from the spacecraft. "That's our intellectual property," he said, "and we expect to receive a cut for every stealth plane, spy satellite, laser weapon and iPod."
He added: "All your technologies are belong to us."
'Jesse' went on to say that the list also includes the Linux operating system and that the aliens would seek to employ the services of SCO chief executive Darl McBride as soon as his current employers disappear. However, he refused to elaborate on a statement that "McBride is already one of us".
According to the alien, USAF is still holding the crashed spacecraft. "We know it's in Hangar 18 at Area 51, or Groom Lake, or Dreamland or whatever you want to call it. Everyone knows that and, so far, the US Government has failed to properly deny it. But it's our property and we want it back."
In spite of original reports, in 1947, of 'debris', the alien group believes the spacecraft might still be flyable and that, in fact, the US military has been using it extensively. "What do you think they used to blow up the Pentagon on 9/11?" said 'Jesse'. "A 767? Oh puhleeze! Have you seen any film of an actual 767 hitting the Pentagon? No, it was our spacecraft that made that whole conspiracy possible and it's time we got credit for that."
The consortium will try to prove in court that USAF has been using the craft and will seek to recover rental fees and mileage charges.
'Jesse' declined to say why the UFO crashed, but did admit that its occupants, who were all teenage Althusians, might have been "enjoying themselves a bit too much".
Alien visitors to planet Earth are boycotting genetically modified (GM) crops, claims a leading scientist.
Buck Uranus, chief astronomer for the William H Carpenter Foundation in Nevada, believes the extraterrestrials are refusing to create crop circles in GM maize, wheat and other cereals because of fears of possible side-effects.
The scientist has conducted a major survey of crop circles created over the past five years and says he has not found a single example left in fields containing GM crops.
"In my spare time, I channel messages from alien beings," said Uranus, "and from what I've been hearing, these guys have got some serious reservations about what we're doing down here. One of them told me he's even thinking of using another planet for his artwork."
According to Uranus, one shape-shifting lizard said: "The long-term effects of these 'frankenstein crops' are just so uncertain. Let's face it, it's not natural. And after the rigours of crossing many light years of space in order to leave some pretty patterns in your fields, we'd rather not take that extra risk."
The visitors from outer space also have fears about contamination of plants on their own worlds, says Uranus. He claims that one Gray told him: "Just imagine — we accidentally pick up a few seeds on our undercarriage and take them home without knowing. They could spread like wildfire then and we'd end up paying Monsanto an annual fee just to grow flooble beans on our own planet. Madness."
Monsanto has not commented on these allegations.
It was a night of terror for one lonely farmer in Wisconsin. For more than three hours she was held hostage by sex-starved aliens as they satisfied their perverted intergalactic urges.
"Trouble was," said 75 year-old Miss X, "they only had eyes for my cow. Horrible, slitty bug-eyes."
It all started as the spinster was about to go to bed one night last year. "Weren't nuthin' on the TV but fags an' unbelievers," stated the bitter old crone. "So I figured I might as well get some shut-eye. I'd just shut the horse in the stable and was looking at the sky tryin' to do some thinkin' when I saw this light."
The light turned into a strange craft. "I could tell it wasn't no airplane." When asked how, she said, "It just wasn't. I couldn't rightly make out the shape. What shape are they these days anyhow?"
Within seconds, the old lady was surrounded by small, gray beings with large, almond-shaped eyes. "They wuz jes' like ET," she said, "but, you know, real mean."
The creatures tied her up. "They wuz snickerin' and hollerin'. I knew what those horny little devils wuz after."
Just as she had prepared herself for a terrible ordeal, the creatures instead turned their attentions to Miss X's house cow. "Poor lil critter didn't know what hit her," wept the old lady.
When the extraterrestrial creatures had sated their desires, they untied the old woman and left the way they had come. "Jes' vanished. Not even a 'thank you' for the use o' the cow."
But the old woman's torment wasn't over. It wasn't long before she realised her beloved bovine was pregnant. "That scared the livin' shit outta me," she moaned. "I didn't know what wuz gonna come poppin' out."
Only a month later, the cow gave birth to a healthy calf - but a calf with two heads and weird glowing eyes. "Ain't no use to me," spat the old lady. "It spooks the horse and eats twice as much. I tell ya, that sucker's destined for the circus, if they'll take 'im."