ET cattle drive!!
Out in the uncharted wilds of New Mexico, mysterious alien beings are rustling cattle. Not content with mutilating the occasional cow, the extraterrestrial bandits have started stealing livestock wholesale.
One farmer has lost nearly a third of his herd and others report scores of missing animals.
"It always happens at night," said one farmer. "Or, you know, when we're not around to see it happen."
Another, who described himself as "devastated" and "still waiting for the insurance check", said: "They used to just take the parts they needed. It was annoying, but we could live with that. Now the little green sons o' bitches are taking the whole damn thing! And not just one cow, but dozens of 'em."
However, some scientists view this as a breakthrough in our understanding of these interstellar visitors.
"We always assumed that they were taking cow parts for analysis," says William H Carpenter, founder of the Carpenter Faith Foundation for Extraterrestrial Science. "The parts of the body they used to concentrate on suggested they were especially interested in reproductive issues. But now a different picture is emerging."
Carpenter believes the days of experimenting are over. "You'll notice," he says, "that human abductees are always returned unharmed. Probed, but unharmed. But these cows aren't coming back."
His conclusion is startling.
"They're eating them," he says. "I've always maintained that alien visits to this planet are connected with their search for resources. Perhaps their own planet is in ruins. Now they've located a new source of food."
So what does it tell us about aliens?
"They like burgers," says Carpenter. "And maybe they're partial to barbeques. But who isn't?"
And the revelations don't end there. In his 2009 book, Moment of Destiny: How the Promised Land will come to us, Carpenter claimed that aliens have been walking among us for years. In fact, he says, the human race - at least, certain influential and gifted members of it - are descended from extraterrestrials. These new developments prove his hypothesis, he says.
"They are so like us. The amount of beef they seem to be consuming, and the fact that they're stealing it, means they've learned to fit in with human society. They have become indistinguishable from ordinary Americans."
Our response to this turn of events should be gratitude, says Carpenter.
"After all their abductions and experiments, they seem to have made their choice," he says. "And we should be glad that their taste runs to beef - not humans."
Lucky Strike for Lizard Creature
A shape-shifting, lizard-like extraterrestrial from the Third District of Alpha Centauri has won $1 million on the Missouri State Lottery.
"I only popped in for the weekend - you know, to pick up a few human specimens for breeding experiments and maybe mutilate a couple of cows," explained XcyyUfgt Pw!zzz, who prefers to be known by his MySpace handle of m3m3g33k. "I'd just snatched this 7-11 clerk who was sleeping at the checkout when he convinced me to buy an instant lottery ticket. I was so surprised to find I'd won I forgot to give the guy his probe."
The lucky lizard decided to stay a few extra days to pick up his winnings. At the time that state officials handed him his loot, plucky m3m3g33k had assumed the form of a computer programmer. "That was a bad move," he admits. "They immediately assumed I was underage, or at least not fully mature, so they nearly kept the money. Fortunately, I was just starting to morph into a Cerulian Ninja Pigeon, and that convinced them to hand it over."
The cash will help the overworked ET to kick back a little. "Finally I can give up abducting, probing and mutilating and create a new life for myself. Now all I have to do is find a bank that will let me open an account."
Asked if he would take the opportunity to settle in the US, m3m3g33k replied: "Are you kidding? This is no place for an illegal alien. Besides, there's all that Patriot Law crap. I mean, back home we do still eat our young sometimes, and you can get vapourised just for passing wind in the direction of the High Council, but this country's like a fucking police state."
He drew breath, then added: "Food's not up to much, either. You ever try raw cow anus?"
It was a night of terror for one lonely farmer in Wisconsin. For more than three hours she was held hostage by sex-starved aliens as they satisfied their perverted intergalactic urges.
"Trouble was," said 75 year-old Miss X, "they only had eyes for my cow. Horrible, slitty bug-eyes."
It all started as the spinster was about to go to bed one night last year. "Weren't nuthin' on the TV but fags an' unbelievers," stated the bitter old crone. "So I figured I might as well get some shut-eye. I'd just shut the horse in the stable and was looking at the sky tryin' to do some thinkin' when I saw this light."
The light turned into a strange craft. "I could tell it wasn't no airplane." When asked how, she said, "It just wasn't. I couldn't rightly make out the shape. What shape are they these days anyhow?"
Within seconds, the old lady was surrounded by small, gray beings with large, almond-shaped eyes. "They wuz jes' like ET," she said, "but, you know, real mean."
The creatures tied her up. "They wuz snickerin' and hollerin'. I knew what those horny little devils wuz after."
Just as she had prepared herself for a terrible ordeal, the creatures instead turned their attentions to Miss X's house cow. "Poor lil critter didn't know what hit her," wept the old lady.
When the extraterrestrial creatures had sated their desires, they untied the old woman and left the way they had come. "Jes' vanished. Not even a 'thank you' for the use o' the cow."
But the old woman's torment wasn't over. It wasn't long before she realised her beloved bovine was pregnant. "That scared the livin' shit outta me," she moaned. "I didn't know what wuz gonna come poppin' out."
Only a month later, the cow gave birth to a healthy calf - but a calf with two heads and weird glowing eyes. "Ain't no use to me," spat the old lady. "It spooks the horse and eats twice as much. I tell ya, that sucker's destined for the circus, if they'll take 'im."