Astronaut Retires to Crater Condo
Astronaut Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the Moon, has gone back there - for good!
According to space expert and militia leader William H Carpenter, the infamously shy Armstrong has retired to a NASA condo in the Sea of Fertility (Mare Fecunditatis).
"I first got suspicious when I realised that no-one has seen Armstrong in years," says Carpenter. "There were reports that he'd retired to a cabin in the hills and had become a virtual recluse. That's nearly right: just replace 'hills' with 'crater' and 'cabin' with 'pressurized life support module'."
For years, NASA has been using International Space Station (ISS) missions, Shuttle disasters and very public complaints about funding cuts to disguise a top secret building program on the Moon.
"I have irrefutable evidence that an inner circle of NASA Illuminati has been engaged in a conspiracy," says Carpenter. "Precisely what this conspiracy is … well, it's hard to say. They're not about to tell people what they're doing, are they?"
Nevertheless, Carpenter claims to have proof that the space agency has constructed a condominium - complete with special low-gravity swimming pools, space saunas and an indoor putting green - inside the Messier A crater.
This is where many of the top NASA big-wigs will retire, Carpenter says. And some of them, including Armstrong, are already there.
"First, they're flown to the ISS on board the Shuttle," explains Carpenter. "But the crew know nothing about it. The NASA Illuminati are carried in a special payload module equipped with oxygen supplies, medical life support systems and comfortable chairs."
This module is docked to a secret and remote section of the ISS that is strictly out of bounds to normal crew members and space tourist visitors. From there, the VIPs are flown to the Moon on board the Shuttle Columbia.
"That Shuttle never did blow up," says Carpenter. "That was just part of the cover story - so that people didn't ask why it hasn't come back. NASA used a B-52 to dump a bunch of debris over Texas. No-one asks too many questions about finding junk in Texas. The crew of Columbia is still up there, too, operating a kind of airline between the ISS and the Moon. And they're being paid a fortune to keep quiet - in Moon Dollars, of course."
Asked why he hasn't made his 'irrefutable evidence' public, Carpenter responded: "There are powerful forces within NASA, government and Hollywood who don't want this information made public. If I revealed the proof I have, my life and the lives of others would be in danger. This is a huge conspiracy that goes way beyond one agency."
Indeed, it's not just NASA executives who will spend their sunset years on the Earth's only natural satellite, he says. Several high-profile space tourists, like ex-Microsoft billionaire Charles Simonyi and Ubuntu founder Mark Shuttleworth, used their trips to the ISS as training for their eventual retirement on the Moon. And it's believed there's a grass-roots petition to send Andrew Lloyd-Webber, Paris Hilton and Gerry Bruckheimer, preferably before they stop working.