Innovation in Incarceration
Convicted Enron criminal and CEO, Jeff Skilling, has announced that he has outsourced his 24-year prison sentence to a man in Mumbai.
"This is a far more efficient solution," said Skilling, shortly before boarding an Air Force jet heading for South America. "It makes economic sense and I believe I will be able to maintain the same level of service I have provided throughout my career."
Under the terms of the contract, the man in India has agreed not to leave his home, have sex with his wife or engage in business activities.
"I think his name is Sanjay," said one of Skilling's aides, "but he has agreed to go by the name of 'Jeff' for the whole time he is in gaol. Well, not gaol, exactly, but a functional equivalent."
Sources close to the Mumbai man say that he is very pleased with the deal. "All he has to do is sit around watching TV," said one. "And he already has eleven kids, so I think his wife is going to enjoy the time off too."
Civil liberties and anti-corruption activists are reported to be furious. "This is a travesty of justice," said a spokesperson for somebody or other. "At the very least they should send a gang of musclebound thugs round to the Indian man's place once a month to rape him in the showers."
The Indian was chosen by Skilling's lawyers after an exhaustive contract bidding process. The most important qualification, one lawyer explained, was that the successful applicant should be well-mannered. "We didn't want anyone with a temper or anger management issues," he said, "because Jeff is hoping to get significant time off for good behavior. With any luck, he'll be out in a few years."
In a statement issued via his Blackberry from the departing aircraft, Skilling said: "I am glad to be able to repay my debt to society in this way. Not only is it very cost-effective, it is also bringing much-needed employment to a third-world country."