Not So Merry Christmas
Santa is dead, say unconfirmed reports coming from Greenland. And it wasn't old age or heart disease that nailed the jolly old fat man, they say — it was a botched raid by the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF).
Early rumors of a mid-air collision with US Air Force jets over Afghanistan were quickly scotched. "What in hell's name would Santa be doing in Afghanistan," said one Air Force general. "That's pagan country."
Official sources close to the North Pole have hinted at complications from a "chimney-related injury" sustained during the last holiday season. He was also known to have sustained a number of wounds, mostly from 9mm rounds, when he ill-advisedly called out his trademark "Ho-Ho-Ho" in Harlem, two years ago.
However, some commentators have noted the public involvement of Customs and Coast Guard officers in the investigation into Santa's demise.
"This is a guy who flies through national airspace and across borders without ever being stopped or searched," said one. "And he's carrying large numbers of packages in his vehicle. It's possible there's a drugs angle to this and I wouldn't be surprised to find some kinda Colombian connection."
A Greenland-based journalist says he had evidence of a massive, combined DEA and ATF operation in that country just a few days ago. "My sources say the agencies, supported by both of Greenland's police officers, hit a covert base way to the north," he said. When asked if this could have been at the North Pole, he added: "It's possible."
Noting the involvement of the ATF, he went on to point out that cigarettes, cigars and booze are among the most common Christmas gifts, "Though we have no reason to suppose Santa was carrying weapons of any kind."
A White House spokesman refused to comment on the rumors of Santa's death, but did issue a statement that: "Federal agencies have recently been engaged in a surge of operations aimed at non-sanctioned groups involved in cross-border delivery operations."
He added: "Parents should make contingency plans in the event of the non-arrival of gifts. Happy holidays."
The Loch Ness Monster is real and now we have proof! That's the astonishing conclusion drawn by a panel of scientists who have examined astounding photographs of Nessie that have only just come to light and which sinister government forces have suppressed for over 20 years.
The pictures were taken in the early 1980s by local proctologist and monster-hunter Angus McFort. They clearly show the monster cruising the loch in the twilight, some time in early March. One image was taken from a boat by McFort who then fled ashore, shooting a few more frames before escaping, terrified for his life.
McFort sent copies of the photographs to his local newspaper, the BBC and his local MP, Phil McCracken (Old Labour).
Soon after, McCracken died in a still-unexplained accident involving a seal pup and a scuba-diving outfit, a death that, to this day, locals describe as 'suspicious' and 'frankly disgusting'.
The BBC has always denied both that it ever received the pictures and that it was involved in a government-sponsored cover-up.
The offices of the local newspaper burned to the ground. Arson was suspected but never proved, though the local fire brigade reported large quantities of an accelerant, "believed to be single-malt".
McFort himself vanished not long after, never returning from a holiday in Bermuda.
Since then, no-one has seen the photographs and their very existence has been the subject of intense speculation. Some investigators claim that they not only prove the monster's existence, but that — far from being a survivor of an ancient species — it is, in fact, the horribly mutated product of secret government experiments.
"The Government has top-secret laboratories here in Scotland," said one resident, who asked not to be named, but who is well known in the local pubs. "Things are always escaping. Viruses. Bacteria. Foot and mouth disease. Pigs with gills and scales. I saw a flying monkey once. It was blue."
He added: "Take my word for it — Nessie is one of their earlier experiments that just went badly awry. And they'll do anything to stop people finding out."
It might have ended there, but McFort's daughter recently discovered a copy of a letter that he sent to the Weekly World Inquisitor soon after the sighting. In it, McFort said: "I am sore afraid that the pictures will be suppressed in my own country, and that I will be subject to a campaign of ridicule and abuse. So I am sending copies of the pictures to the only publication I trust, and to a country renowned for its freedom of speech and the independence of its press."
Further investigation suggested that he was referring to the Inquisitor and the USA, though he may have believed the magazine's home town of Reno to be in Canada. A search of our image archives miraculously unearthed three of the images — with possibly more to come.
We rushed these pictures to the Forensic Photography department of the Virginia City University & Beauty School who subjected them to a battery of tests before immediately declaring them genuine.
The pictures have been almost universally hailed as final, conclusive proof of the monster's existence, at least as far as 1981 or 1982. However, some skeptics remain. One professional Nessie-hunter, speaking at a conference, is quoted as saying: "I have dedicated my life to finding Nessie. I have sacrificed my career, my marriage and my life savings. I have spent countless sleepness nights staring into the depths of the loch, praying for some sign that this fantastic creature, this remnant of the dawn of creation, still graces our planet with its presence. And I'm not about to take the word of some dead arse doctor."