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Monster Movie

Nessie goes to Hollywood

Loch Ness Monster signs deal to appear in next Oliver Stone movie

Nessie at a recent press conference The Loch Ness Monster is set to become Hollywood's latest star. After recent photographs finally proved Nessie's existence, the creature has decided to come out of obscurity and make a living in the real world.

This is believed to be the first time a mythical beast has signed a movie deal, though current rumors about Tom Cruise's celestial origins may mean it's more common than first thought.

Angus McFort, who claims to be the monster's agent, said that they had been in discussions with Jerry Bruckheimer, but that Nessie had pulled out fearing damage to her artistic credibility.

He says they have now inked a deal with Oliver Stone who will feature Nessie in the lead role of his next movie, said to be an off-the-wall and extremely violent remake of 'Black Beauty'.

The reclusive and notoriously camera-shy demon of the deep has never voluntarily appeared on film. She is not known to have any previous acting experience, though McFort said this proved to be an advantage in Hollywood.

"Actors make Hollywood producers nervous," he claimed. "They keep wanting to do stuff like ... you know, act. And few Hollywood blockbusters have any allowance in the budget for that sort of thing."

At a recent loch-side press conference, Nessie said that she hopes people will treat her as a serious artist. However, there have already been rumors about alleged eating disorders and a possible romance with former move star Arnold Schwazenegger.


Scottish Beastliness

Nessie Caught!!!

Loch Ness Monster is finally caught on film. Stunning new photos prove existence of mythological beast

Recently rediscovered photo of Loch Ness Monster

The Loch Ness Monster is real and now we have proof! That's the astonishing conclusion drawn by a panel of scientists who have examined astounding photographs of Nessie that have only just come to light and which sinister government forces have suppressed for over 20 years.

The pictures were taken in the early 1980s by local proctologist and monster-hunter Angus McFort. They clearly show the monster cruising the loch in the twilight, some time in early March. One image was taken from a boat by McFort who then fled ashore, shooting a few more frames before escaping, terrified for his life.

McFort sent copies of the photographs to his local newspaper, the BBC and his local MP, Phil McCracken (Old Labour).

Soon after, McCracken died in a still-unexplained accident involving a seal pup and a scuba-diving outfit, a death that, to this day, locals describe as 'suspicious' and 'frankly disgusting'.

The BBC has always denied both that it ever received the pictures and that it was involved in a government-sponsored cover-up.

The offices of the local newspaper burned to the ground. Arson was suspected but never proved, though the local fire brigade reported large quantities of an accelerant, "believed to be single-malt".

McFort himself vanished not long after, never returning from a holiday in Bermuda.

Nessie seen in the twilight

Since then, no-one has seen the photographs and their very existence has been the subject of intense speculation. Some investigators claim that they not only prove the monster's existence, but that — far from being a survivor of an ancient species — it is, in fact, the horribly mutated product of secret government experiments.

"The Government has top-secret laboratories here in Scotland," said one resident, who asked not to be named, but who is well known in the local pubs. "Things are always escaping. Viruses. Bacteria. Foot and mouth disease. Pigs with gills and scales. I saw a flying monkey once. It was blue."

He added: "Take my word for it — Nessie is one of their earlier experiments that just went badly awry. And they'll do anything to stop people finding out."

It might have ended there, but McFort's daughter recently discovered a copy of a letter that he sent to the Weekly World Inquisitor soon after the sighting. In it, McFort said: "I am sore afraid that the pictures will be suppressed in my own country, and that I will be subject to a campaign of ridicule and abuse. So I am sending copies of the pictures to the only publication I trust, and to a country renowned for its freedom of speech and the independence of its press."

Monster tries to evade passing helicopter Further investigation suggested that he was referring to the Inquisitor and the USA, though he may have believed the magazine's home town of Reno to be in Canada. A search of our image archives miraculously unearthed three of the images — with possibly more to come.

We rushed these pictures to the Forensic Photography department of the Virginia City University & Beauty School who subjected them to a battery of tests before immediately declaring them genuine.

The pictures have been almost universally hailed as final, conclusive proof of the monster's existence, at least as far as 1981 or 1982. However, some skeptics remain. One professional Nessie-hunter, speaking at a conference, is quoted as saying: "I have dedicated my life to finding Nessie. I have sacrificed my career, my marriage and my life savings. I have spent countless sleepness nights staring into the depths of the loch, praying for some sign that this fantastic creature, this remnant of the dawn of creation, still graces our planet with its presence. And I'm not about to take the word of some dead arse doctor."