Dib-dib, dob-dob, bang-bang!!
The Boy Scouts of America are to become an armed militia known as the 'Obama Youth', says a Washington insider. They will trade in their knee socks and neckerchiefs for assault rifles and body armor as they join the wars on terror, illegal immigration and atheism.
Selected Boy Scouts, and taller members of the Cub Scouts, will receive training in counter-insurgency operations, drug raids, border patrols, how to report suspicious people to the authorities, and how to tie very tight knots.
Each will also receive a new 'Field Guide to Un-Americans' to help them identify potential terrorists, immigrants and pagans.
"These children have as much of a right as anyone to die for their country," says Rev. Jimmy Samson, who hopes to be appointed as Pack Leader General of the new militia. "And in this time of war, it's my mission to see that comes to pass."
Samson says he has already trained a number of scouts in the techniques of unarmed combat and intimate body searches. And a few members of America's largest paramilitary organization have received training in combat techniques, according to the New York Times.
According to Samson, the new organization will be open to Christians of all kinds.* "Faith is an essential part of our ability to fight terrorism and other social ills," he says. "That's why the Boy Scouts movement around the world has always been a religious organisation, proudly fighting atheists, agnostics, Wiccans and heathens of all kinds. It has been an army for God. Now it will be an army for America. With real guns."
The exclusion of Muslims, Hindus and members of other faiths has caused some disappointment. "There are 14 year-old boys of all faiths who like to shoot guns," says Samson, "but we have to draw the line somewhere."
This change has been a long time coming, says Samson. "Somehow, the Boy Scouts got sidetracked from their military destiny," he says. "They got into all that do-gooding, namby-pamby stuff. But just look at the uniform. You don't put on a uniform like that and not want to pick up a gun."
Samson is a former preacher in the Church of the Delectable Body of Christ. He stepped down from the ministry following a hate campaign against him in the liberal press in which numerous unproven allegations were made. No charges were ever brought and the young men involved subsequently withdrew their complaints and were issued Green Cards. Shortly after, he was appointed as a consultant to the White House's Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships, with special responsibility for youth combat programs.
The formation of the new Youth Brigades is being supported in part by funds from the White House.
"That money will at least pay for the weapons and most of the ammo," says Samson. "The rest of the funding is coming from concerned citizens. That is, concerned citizens with lots of money. In return, each Brigade will have its own uniform carrying corporate branding and sponsor's messages."
Samson says he expects the first fully operational brigade to be the Arkansas Hello Kitty SWAT Battalion.
* Quakers, Unitarians and Mormons do not qualify.