CIA agents have joined protests in major centers of capitalism around the world. But instead of spying on the protestors, they're complaining as loudly as anyone.
Inspired by the Occupy Wall Street movement, people have taken to the streets in many major cities, including London and Rome. Most of the demonstrators are made up of anarchists, the unemployed and teenagers who've just discovered politics.
But it turns out they're not the only ones angry with the real world.
"Capitalism has gone all to hell," said one veteran CIA operative in a Guy Fawkes mask who works out of the London office. "We used to have a great time fighting commies - all the guns, helicopters and money we wanted. Now all you hear is that there's no cash. Budget cutbacks. Guys being laid off. But the money's out there somewhere, so who's got it?"
In spite of billions of dollars being appropriated for fighting terrorism after 9/11, most of it is going into the pockets of private contractors, said the CIA spook.
"Took me four weeks to requisition the funds to buy a hooker for a honeytrap," he said. "And another two weeks to get the bullets to terminate the target once we'd trapped him.
"But," he added, "my department spent $2 billion on a 'Terrorist Detector' app for our iPhones from some company in Tel Aviv. Turned out it was just a rebadged version of Foursquare."
At the same time, spooks are suffering like anyone else.
"I can't get a mortgage," he said, "on account of being a 'bad risk' or something. I'm supposed to be the one who says who's a bad risk.
"Meanwhile, cost of living's going up. Have you seen the price of Kevlar clothing?"
The CIA agent said he'd recognised a number of colleagues in the crowd around St Paul's Cathedral. "That's fella's NSA," he said. "Coupla FBI guys here, too. Guess they're all PO'd."
Asked if he thinks this is the start of a worldwide revolution, the CIA agent said: "Oh God I hope so. Things might be back to normal then."
President not a Muslim!!
Following intense pressure from Donald Trump and Usenet activists, the White House has finally released a copy of President Barack Obama's long-form birth certificate.
And he's Chinese!
"We wanted to shut up these Birther idiots once and for all," said a White House spokesman, "so we spent all Easter weekend looking for the damn thing. We finally found it stuffed in an envelope with some old utility bills, three tickets to an Emerson, Lake & Palmer concert and seven AOL CDs."
The certificate appears to show Obama's birthplace as Honolulu. However, advanced image analysis by the Carpenter Foundation for American National Purity reveals that the document was recently altered.
"Clearly this is a cover-up of epic proportions," said William Carpenter, founder of the Foundation. "We haven't seen a whitewash of these dimensions since the Nixon days. Except for Clinton. And Bush. And the other Bush."
It's believed that the Carpenter Foundation was hired by Trump to examine the document.
"Trump wanted to prove, once and for all, that Obama is a Muslim," said Carpenter. "This is a huge disappointment for him."
Careful image manipulation showed that Obama's place of birth was not, in fact, Hawaii but the town of Honororo, in the Heilongjiang province of China.
"Although it shows he's not an American, Trump has to be careful not to upset the Chinese," said NewWorldDisorder, a Usenet researcher and aluminum foil salesman. "Hell, no-one wants to upset the Chinese - they own half our damn country."
Trump has now told Yahoo! News that he simply want to "move on" with what remains of his life.
Dib-dib, dob-dob, bang-bang!!
The Boy Scouts of America are to become an armed militia known as the 'Obama Youth', says a Washington insider. They will trade in their knee socks and neckerchiefs for assault rifles and body armor as they join the wars on terror, illegal immigration and atheism.
Selected Boy Scouts, and taller members of the Cub Scouts, will receive training in counter-insurgency operations, drug raids, border patrols, how to report suspicious people to the authorities, and how to tie very tight knots.
Each will also receive a new 'Field Guide to Un-Americans' to help them identify potential terrorists, immigrants and pagans.
"These children have as much of a right as anyone to die for their country," says Rev. Jimmy Samson, who hopes to be appointed as Pack Leader General of the new militia. "And in this time of war, it's my mission to see that comes to pass."
Samson says he has already trained a number of scouts in the techniques of unarmed combat and intimate body searches. And a few members of America's largest paramilitary organization have received training in combat techniques, according to the New York Times.
According to Samson, the new organization will be open to Christians of all kinds.* "Faith is an essential part of our ability to fight terrorism and other social ills," he says. "That's why the Boy Scouts movement around the world has always been a religious organisation, proudly fighting atheists, agnostics, Wiccans and heathens of all kinds. It has been an army for God. Now it will be an army for America. With real guns."
The exclusion of Muslims, Hindus and members of other faiths has caused some disappointment. "There are 14 year-old boys of all faiths who like to shoot guns," says Samson, "but we have to draw the line somewhere."
This change has been a long time coming, says Samson. "Somehow, the Boy Scouts got sidetracked from their military destiny," he says. "They got into all that do-gooding, namby-pamby stuff. But just look at the uniform. You don't put on a uniform like that and not want to pick up a gun."
Samson is a former preacher in the Church of the Delectable Body of Christ. He stepped down from the ministry following a hate campaign against him in the liberal press in which numerous unproven allegations were made. No charges were ever brought and the young men involved subsequently withdrew their complaints and were issued Green Cards. Shortly after, he was appointed as a consultant to the White House's Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships, with special responsibility for youth combat programs.
The formation of the new Youth Brigades is being supported in part by funds from the White House.
"That money will at least pay for the weapons and most of the ammo," says Samson. "The rest of the funding is coming from concerned citizens. That is, concerned citizens with lots of money. In return, each Brigade will have its own uniform carrying corporate branding and sponsor's messages."
Samson says he expects the first fully operational brigade to be the Arkansas Hello Kitty SWAT Battalion.
* Quakers, Unitarians and Mormons do not qualify.
Brits fear terror attack!!
The UK has raised its terror threat alert to the second-highest level - 'Bothersome'. According to a spokesman from the Home Office: "Intelligence sources have indicated that there is quite a high likelihood that certain ne'er-do-wells are in a rather agitated state and may be up to something."
He added: "We're not saying that they're actually going to do anything. Nor are we saying who they are or where they are. We just thought people ought to know that we're somewhat alarmed."
Asked what citizens should do about this, he replied: "Do? What do you mean do?"
The UK has a different set of threat levels to the familiar color-coding used in the US. The British threat levels are:
Niggling: The security services have a nasty feeling about something but citizens should not concern themselves unduly.
Vexing: The Government knows that someone is planning something but can't quite put their finger on it. Citizens should not approach unattended packages and should immediately report any untoward behavior to the nearest constable.
Worrisome: The security services know that something is definitely going on. If you have any information, you should pass it on. In the meantime, please be careful not to say or do anything suspicious because it just confuses the situation and makes more work for MI5.
Bothersome: The Government isn't saying that an attack is about to happen, but all government ministers and civil servants have decided to stay at home with a nice cup of tea. If you are a member of certain religious or political groups, a policeman will be around shortly to have a nice chat. It would be unwise of anyone of a non-British appearance to travel on the Tube.
Awful: It's really rather likely that something ghastly will happen. We're terribly sorry.
When asked if people should be worried about the raising of the threat
level, the Home Office spokesman said: "People should always be
Iron makes you readable and writeable!!
Forget about ID cards, biometric passports and RFID chips in your underwear. The latest Government conspiracy - part of a massive surveillance and tracking program - is breakfast cereal.
"Look on any pack of cereal and see what it says about iron," says William H Carpenter, head of 'Patriots Against Cereals', a campaign group run by the Carpenter Government Conspiracy Foundation. "Now ask yourself, what the hell is iron doing in a breakfast food?"
According to nutritionists, and even actual scientists, additional iron in our food has no health benefits. But many so-called health foods and nearly all cereals have iron added to them. Why? Well, Carpenter says the build-up of iron in our bodies does have one serious side-effect.
"It means that data can be recorded in your body tissue using specially adapted magnetic recording devices," he explains. "In effect, your body becomes a giant hard drive. And any data that's recorded can also be read."
Every time you pass through a toll booth, shop at a store, visit a Government building or attend a meeting, information about those activities will be stored in your muscles. Police officers, FBI agents and other, more covert, Government operatives, can read that data using hand-held scanners.
And the information isn't even safe with the Government. With the right techniques, anyone can read the data and know everything about what you've done and where you've been.
"I swung a crystal over one of my patients and it went crazy," said Melody Moroni, a homeopathic consultant and canine stylist. "Then I started to interpret the movements. Within minutes I knew more about that client than I wanted to. I immediately reported him to the FBI as a possible terrorist."
According to Carpenter, this iron-enriching program is linked to the one putting sugar in our diet and is being run not by a Government department but a private contractor.
"It's all about plausible denial and circumventing the Constitution," he says. "It's a Government conspiracy alright, but they're not doing the dirty work themselves.
"This work is being outsourced to the ID and surveillance arm of LethalResponse.com and is a key part of the LoyalCitizen program," he adds. "Soon you'll see breakfast cereals being sold with special offers on LoyalCitizen Patriot Points."
Carpenter foresees a time, very soon, when you will pay road tolls just by waving your arm at a digital reader. "As part of the LoyalCitizen program, LethalResponse.com is introducing the ConstantTraveler scheme that will charge people for road use and track our movements," he claims. "It's designed to keep tabs on every journey taken by every citizen. Sure, having a magnetic body will make it convenient. But what if you're accidentally deleted?"
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