McCain is Robotic Stiff !!!
John McCain's heart has stopped beating. But he is able to continue campaigning thanks to the use of advanced bionics, says a Washington doctor.
"Many people have noted that McCain has suddenly stopped fear-mongering and using hate speech," says Doctor Michael Souris. "That's because he's dead."
The DC-based medic qualified in Holistic Kinesiology and specialises in Political Aura Analysis. He claims his internet-based practice has been used by a large number of leading politicians, celebrities and TV journalists to "align their chakras with their business and personal goals". And he claims his special gifts have allowed him to see past the facade of McCain's public appearances.
Speaking at the recent 'Strategic Ear Candling for Corporate Success' conference, Dr Souris stunned the audience of nearly a dozen CEOs with his assertion that McCain is now little more than, "the kind of Animatronic gimmick you see at Disneyworld".
"Clearly he's still campaigning because it's important to get Sarah Palin into the White House," he said. "There never was any intention that McCain would be kept functioning for very long after the inauguration, what with recurrent melanoma, hyperlipidemia, degenerative joint disease and his well-known problems with recall. If elected, he'd have been the oldest president ever to be sworn in. Clearly, he wasn't meant to last more than a few months, let alone a full term. Now that's he's dead, they'll probably switch him off the day after he enters the Oval Office."
But the subterfuge isn't without its problems, said Souris.
"The software clearly has some kinks to work out. Note how it switches so suddenly from delivering a point in a speech to chuckling inanely. No living human would behave like that."
McCain's incoherence, his inability to answer questions properly and the constant repetition of his war stories all point to bug-riddled programming. "Either the software is still in beta or it's been produced by Microsoft," said Souris.
"However," warns the Doctor. "This doesn't mean that Sarah Palin is also dead just because she has the same problems. Her issues with language, truth and intelligence stem from the breeding program that produced her."