President Elect Quits
President Elect Barack Obama has quit his new job, even before taking office.
"I knew this country was in a bad state," he said. "I just had no idea how bad."
A source close to the President Elect said that he was shocked by what he saw when he visited dead duck President George W Bush at the White House.
"It wasn't just the state of the place," he said. "We expected that. The half-empty pizza boxes and beer cans in the Oval Office. The way all the computers in the communications suite were logged into porn sites. It was like a frat house. But nothing that couldn't get cleaned up in a week or so."
What especially perturbed the visitors, said the source, was how nothing seems to have been done around the place for months, maybe years.
"In the Oval Office was one of those toy basketball hoops - you know, the kind that makes a cheering noise when you manage to throw something in it," he claimed. "All around the hoop were balled up pieces of paper that turned out to be CIA, NSA and Pentagon briefings dating back to 2000."
The biggest problem, said the source, is that Bush won't stop being President. "Even though no-one likes him, even though he's acknowledged as the worst President in history, he keeps doing stuff and just making it worse. He gave up long ago trying to fix problems like his wars, drugs, the tanking economy and the ecological crisis. So he's spending his last days like a petulant toddler on PCP. He's putting oil refineries in national parks. He's pardoning murderers. Thanks to Bush, America is already in the shitter and now he's trying to flush it."
According to Obama's retinue, the final straw came when the President Elect was briefed by senior people within the intelligence community, the State Department and the Treasury. "That's when we found out that - bad as we thought it was - Bush and his cronies had still been lying to us. It's so, so much worse."
According to insiders, at the end of the meeting Obama commented: "I love America, but I'm not cleaning that up!"
Lewis 'Scooter' Libby - notorious criminal and friend of George W Bush - could be on the fast track to sainthood, according to sources within the Republican party.
It's believed that President Bush was upset to discover that he didn't have the guts to pardon the criminal Libby. As a consolation, he has instructed the Vatican to turn his friend and spy fink into Saint Scooter.
An alleged spokesman for the criminal Libby said, "This is great news. We're hoping that sales of statuettes and medals of Saint Scooter will help pay the $250,000 fine that Bush failed to quash."
Libby the criminal will not need to convert to Catholicism, said the spokesman. "That's not the American way. I'm not sure what Scooter's faith is, but that's beside the point - this is a political matter and the separation of church and state means we don't have to worry about that stuff."
The Pope was unavailable for comment. But the spokesman did suggest that they would be willing to negotiate. "Even if they just beatified him, that'd be something," he said. "Then he'd be the Blessed Scooter, which is pretty much what we all think about him, right?"
A White House aide added that an envoy from the Bush regime is also in talks with the British Government about a peerage. "We figure that 'Earl Libby' has a kinda nice ring to it. It'll help him get good service at hotels and restaurants, even though he's a criminal. And if he's hard-up after paying the fine, he could always become a band leader."
In a press statement, dated Nov 1, 2008 but distributed today, US President George W Bush has issued a full pardon to I Lewis 'Scooter' Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney.
Libby was found guilty, in early March 2007, of perjury (two counts), making false statements and obstruction of justice after he lied about his role in the revealing of an undercover CIA agent, Valerie Plame.
Today's statement was emailed to newspapers, TV news networks and news agencies as a Microsoft Word document. It is now believed that this was, in fact, merely an unapproved early version — edited by White House staffers having been originally drafted by the President himself. It was due to be released at the end of Mr Bush's presidency.
When questioned by the Weekly World Inquisitor as to why the statement was being prepared now, the chief of press relations at the White House said, "Who did you say you were?" Later, we spoke to an intern who explained that approvals for presidential statements can be a lengthy process and that, "we wanted to make sure we didn't forget."
The statement says, in part, (and with 'track changes' enabled):
good ol' ScooterMr Libby was acting in the best interests of us good guysthe United States when he nailed that bastard's wifemade statements that were, as he understood it at the time, gonna get 'em goodtruthful.
In this time of peace, now that Iraq has been
bombed into the stone agebrought to peaceful democracy and at last the oil is flowingpeople are free, it seems cotton pickin' stoopidunreasonable to punish a man who was only dumber'n a hatful of assholesserving his country.
The White House press office has asked that the statements be returned and, in the words of one staffer, "it'd be better just to forget the whole thing, if you know what's good for you."
Mr Libby was unavailable for comment.
US President George W Bush has called for the arrest of all members of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA).
The official reason for issuing federal arrest warrants for every CIA employee has not been made public. However, while preparing for a TV interview — for the Fox exposé 'Booze & Fundamentalism' — a private conversation between President Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney was accidentally taped.
According to a leaked transcript, Bush said: "Look Dick, I don't want people remembering me as the guy who fucked-up in Iraq. I mean, I don't want 'em thinking it was all my doing, right? Goddamnit, the CIA are supposed to provide intelligence ... see, it says so right in their name. But not one of those bastards told me what a total clusterfuck it was going to be."
Cheney's reply was muffled and was quickly interrupted by the President.
"I don't want to hear that. Look, the Italians have shown us the way. I didn't know arresting CIA agents was an option. But now it makes a lot of sense."
One potential snag is that no-one actually knows how many people work for the CIA. "It's a secret, apparently," said a White House aide. "Only the CIA knows for sure, and they're not telling us. So what else is new?"
The same aide confirmed that, from this point in time, the CIA is to be given, "full credit for the planning and execution of the Iraq war and anything else we might be blamed for before the President's term of office ends".
He also pointed out that President Bush could not be held responsible for not knowing what the CIA didn't tell him, and that Donald Rumsfeld would be coming out of retirement to make a statement to this effect — or something very like it — soon.
A group of powerful politicians, lobbyists, CEOs and PR executives has said its members will not take part in any future evolution of the human species.
A statement, signed by US President George W Bush on behalf of the group, claims that evolution, "is, in any case, just a theory and we do not feel we are obliged to participate in it".
The group describes itself as a "loose affiliation of like-minded business and political leaders with a profound interest in theologically and spiritually oriented issues". It has also been labelled a "cabal of Neocon fundamentalist nut-jobs" by almost everyone else.
The group may already have put its principles into practice.
A scientist from MIT, who specialises in evolution and genetics, claims there is clear evidence that the families of the group members may have been practising non-evolution for many generations. "Just look at the President," he said in an off-the-record briefing. "Do you really think old 'Monkey Face' George represents progress for the human species? That guy's already a few stages behind the rest of us."
According to this scientist, who has two PhDs and three white coats, George W Bush might actually be a living example of homo sapiens back when the species was only just acquiring the rudiments of language.
"They claim it's their religion that doesn't allow them to take part in evolution," said the scientist, "but have you seen the kind of guys you get in boardrooms and on the Hill? I reckon they're not evolving because they can't find mates except among their own kind. And the only genetic mutations they're getting are bad ones. Ugh!"
President says that more training is needed for voting machine programmers and polling station hoodlums