Dib-dib, dob-dob, bang-bang!!
The Boy Scouts of America are to become an armed militia known as the 'Obama Youth', says a Washington insider. They will trade in their knee socks and neckerchiefs for assault rifles and body armor as they join the wars on terror, illegal immigration and atheism.
Selected Boy Scouts, and taller members of the Cub Scouts, will receive training in counter-insurgency operations, drug raids, border patrols, how to report suspicious people to the authorities, and how to tie very tight knots.
Each will also receive a new 'Field Guide to Un-Americans' to help them identify potential terrorists, immigrants and pagans.
"These children have as much of a right as anyone to die for their country," says Rev. Jimmy Samson, who hopes to be appointed as Pack Leader General of the new militia. "And in this time of war, it's my mission to see that comes to pass."
Samson says he has already trained a number of scouts in the techniques of unarmed combat and intimate body searches. And a few members of America's largest paramilitary organization have received training in combat techniques, according to the New York Times.
According to Samson, the new organization will be open to Christians of all kinds.* "Faith is an essential part of our ability to fight terrorism and other social ills," he says. "That's why the Boy Scouts movement around the world has always been a religious organisation, proudly fighting atheists, agnostics, Wiccans and heathens of all kinds. It has been an army for God. Now it will be an army for America. With real guns."
The exclusion of Muslims, Hindus and members of other faiths has caused some disappointment. "There are 14 year-old boys of all faiths who like to shoot guns," says Samson, "but we have to draw the line somewhere."
This change has been a long time coming, says Samson. "Somehow, the Boy Scouts got sidetracked from their military destiny," he says. "They got into all that do-gooding, namby-pamby stuff. But just look at the uniform. You don't put on a uniform like that and not want to pick up a gun."
Samson is a former preacher in the Church of the Delectable Body of Christ. He stepped down from the ministry following a hate campaign against him in the liberal press in which numerous unproven allegations were made. No charges were ever brought and the young men involved subsequently withdrew their complaints and were issued Green Cards. Shortly after, he was appointed as a consultant to the White House's Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships, with special responsibility for youth combat programs.
The formation of the new Youth Brigades is being supported in part by funds from the White House.
"That money will at least pay for the weapons and most of the ammo," says Samson. "The rest of the funding is coming from concerned citizens. That is, concerned citizens with lots of money. In return, each Brigade will have its own uniform carrying corporate branding and sponsor's messages."
Samson says he expects the first fully operational brigade to be the Arkansas Hello Kitty SWAT Battalion.
* Quakers, Unitarians and Mormons do not qualify.
Brits fear terror attack!!
The UK has raised its terror threat alert to the second-highest level - 'Bothersome'. According to a spokesman from the Home Office: "Intelligence sources have indicated that there is quite a high likelihood that certain ne'er-do-wells are in a rather agitated state and may be up to something."
He added: "We're not saying that they're actually going to do anything. Nor are we saying who they are or where they are. We just thought people ought to know that we're somewhat alarmed."
Asked what citizens should do about this, he replied: "Do? What do you mean do?"
The UK has a different set of threat levels to the familiar color-coding used in the US. The British threat levels are:
Niggling: The security services have a nasty feeling about something but citizens should not concern themselves unduly.
Vexing: The Government knows that someone is planning something but can't quite put their finger on it. Citizens should not approach unattended packages and should immediately report any untoward behavior to the nearest constable.
Worrisome: The security services know that something is definitely going on. If you have any information, you should pass it on. In the meantime, please be careful not to say or do anything suspicious because it just confuses the situation and makes more work for MI5.
Bothersome: The Government isn't saying that an attack is about to happen, but all government ministers and civil servants have decided to stay at home with a nice cup of tea. If you are a member of certain religious or political groups, a policeman will be around shortly to have a nice chat. It would be unwise of anyone of a non-British appearance to travel on the Tube.
Awful: It's really rather likely that something ghastly will happen. We're terribly sorry.
When asked if people should be worried about the raising of the threat
level, the Home Office spokesman said: "People should always be
Iron makes you readable and writeable!!
Forget about ID cards, biometric passports and RFID chips in your underwear. The latest Government conspiracy - part of a massive surveillance and tracking program - is breakfast cereal.
"Look on any pack of cereal and see what it says about iron," says William H Carpenter, head of 'Patriots Against Cereals', a campaign group run by the Carpenter Government Conspiracy Foundation. "Now ask yourself, what the hell is iron doing in a breakfast food?"
According to nutritionists, and even actual scientists, additional iron in our food has no health benefits. But many so-called health foods and nearly all cereals have iron added to them. Why? Well, Carpenter says the build-up of iron in our bodies does have one serious side-effect.
"It means that data can be recorded in your body tissue using specially adapted magnetic recording devices," he explains. "In effect, your body becomes a giant hard drive. And any data that's recorded can also be read."
Every time you pass through a toll booth, shop at a store, visit a Government building or attend a meeting, information about those activities will be stored in your muscles. Police officers, FBI agents and other, more covert, Government operatives, can read that data using hand-held scanners.
And the information isn't even safe with the Government. With the right techniques, anyone can read the data and know everything about what you've done and where you've been.
"I swung a crystal over one of my patients and it went crazy," said Melody Moroni, a homeopathic consultant and canine stylist. "Then I started to interpret the movements. Within minutes I knew more about that client than I wanted to. I immediately reported him to the FBI as a possible terrorist."
According to Carpenter, this iron-enriching program is linked to the one putting sugar in our diet and is being run not by a Government department but a private contractor.
"It's all about plausible denial and circumventing the Constitution," he says. "It's a Government conspiracy alright, but they're not doing the dirty work themselves.
"This work is being outsourced to the ID and surveillance arm of LethalResponse.com and is a key part of the LoyalCitizen program," he adds. "Soon you'll see breakfast cereals being sold with special offers on LoyalCitizen Patriot Points."
Carpenter foresees a time, very soon, when you will pay road tolls just by waving your arm at a digital reader. "As part of the LoyalCitizen program, LethalResponse.com is introducing the ConstantTraveler scheme that will charge people for road use and track our movements," he claims. "It's designed to keep tabs on every journey taken by every citizen. Sure, having a magnetic body will make it convenient. But what if you're accidentally deleted?"
Government wants your spit!!
In a crucial step towards creating a One World Government, a top-secret Washington-based organization is building a DNA database covering every US citizen, illegal aliens and even tourists.
And your DNA is being harvested without your permission by the same people you trust to look after your health.
"Ever been to the dentist and wondered why they put those suction tubes in your mouth?" says William H Carpenter, founder of the Carpenter Foundation for the Investigation of Medical Conspiracies. "Ever wondered why you can't just spit any more?"
Saliva and extracted teeth collected by dentists are being sent to a covert Washington laboratory. Once the DNA is analyzed, the teeth are hidden in hardcore used for repairs to the Beltway. It's not known what happens to the saliva, but Carpenter advises against bathing in the Potomac.
And it's not just dentists who are in on this scheme. The Government is working with food manufacturers to increase the amount of sugar we eat.
"This plan won't work if people don't go to the dentist," says Carpenter. "So they're making sure our teeth rot. Americans eat more sugar each week than the entire population of Africa does in a decade. There has to be a reason for that."
There are parts of the country where even this plot is failing, Carpenter says. In rural areas of Arkansas or the Appalachians, for example, people are used to going without teeth. "That said, there are some people that even the Government might decide to ignore," he says.
There are things you can do to protect your right to anonymity, says Carpenter.
"When you visit the dentist," he says, "insist on taking home with you any saliva or teeth removed during the treatment."
Genetic Monster on Prowl
Governments agents have issued a warning that ChimpMan - the half-chimp, half-man result of a super-secret breeding program - is on the loose and rampaging around Texas.
"If spotted, you should make no attempt to approach the critter," said a scientist from the highly classified government laboratory.
"This beast was bred to have no fear and no pity," he added. "In that regard, the experiment was a huge success. Unfortunately, he's also as dumb as a hatful of assholes."
It's understood that this genetic monster may have been released into the wild deliberately.
"He's escaped before," said the scientist. "But we've always got him back within a day or two. Sometimes he came back by himself: not because he was hungry but because he was stupid. He'd just forgotten that he was trying to escape."
Some sources within the top-secret breeding program suggest that this time was different. The program itself was recently shut down after eight years of continual blunders and failures.
"The operation of which he was a part has come to an end," said one anonymous lab assistant, who is now unemployed. "So ChimpMan's usefulness was at an end. And what do you do with a clueless, useless and, frankly, embarrassing screw-up? I guess dumping him in some Texas wasteland seemed like the natural solution."
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