Final AIDS Solution
Presidential failure Mike Huckabee could sweep to victory on his next attempt at the top job. That's the view of some pundits who see Huckabee riding to power on a wave of fundamentalist fervor.
The right-wing zealot is known for his desire to replace the Constitution with laws based on religious texts, much like the Taleban attempted in Afghanistan, but with a much bigger army to back him up. And in implementing biblical law, Huckabee would be able to solve problems that get his ultra-religious supporters hot under the collar — such as AIDS.
Back in 1992, Huckabee wrote, in answer to questions from the Associated Press:
"If the federal government is truly serious about doing something with the AIDS virus, we need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague.
"It is difficult to understand the public policy towards AIDS. It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents."
One Huckabee supporter is ecstatic about this idea. "See what he's saying?" frothed Seth Smoten, a snake handler from South Carolina. "He's saying it's a plague, like in Egypt, like in the Bible. Or maybe like lepers an' shit. You can't have those people walking around among healthy, god-fearin' folk!"
One junior aide for the Huckabee campaign in Dogsbollox, Tennessee believed that Huckabee was hinting at the idea of special camps where AIDS plague carriers could be concentrated away from valuable medical resources. "We should give them somewhere they can die peacefully and quietly," said the aide, "where they won't bother anyone else. Let's face it, all they really need is a bed and a set of pyjamas."
Mike Huckabee was unavailable for comment.
Lewis 'Scooter' Libby - notorious criminal and friend of George W Bush - could be on the fast track to sainthood, according to sources within the Republican party.
It's believed that President Bush was upset to discover that he didn't have the guts to pardon the criminal Libby. As a consolation, he has instructed the Vatican to turn his friend and spy fink into Saint Scooter.
An alleged spokesman for the criminal Libby said, "This is great news. We're hoping that sales of statuettes and medals of Saint Scooter will help pay the $250,000 fine that Bush failed to quash."
Libby the criminal will not need to convert to Catholicism, said the spokesman. "That's not the American way. I'm not sure what Scooter's faith is, but that's beside the point - this is a political matter and the separation of church and state means we don't have to worry about that stuff."
The Pope was unavailable for comment. But the spokesman did suggest that they would be willing to negotiate. "Even if they just beatified him, that'd be something," he said. "Then he'd be the Blessed Scooter, which is pretty much what we all think about him, right?"
A White House aide added that an envoy from the Bush regime is also in talks with the British Government about a peerage. "We figure that 'Earl Libby' has a kinda nice ring to it. It'll help him get good service at hotels and restaurants, even though he's a criminal. And if he's hard-up after paying the fine, he could always become a band leader."