The Revenge of PigWoman
VP wannabe Sarah Palin really is 'pigwoman' - with or without lipstick - says a government whistleblower. She is the result of a secret government breeding program that aimed to create an army of pig-human hybrids. But, according to the ex-scientist, the whole experiment went "horribly wrong".
It is the same secret program that produced ChimpMan, he says (see: 'ChimpMan scapes from secret government lab'). "Where the ChimpMan program was designed to produce violent but compliant hybrids with low intellects, and was generally successful, the PigPerson experiment ran out of control. The hybrids were meant to be docile, hard-working and, if necessary, tasty. It was a complete failure."
The scientists suspected cross-contamination between the programs, he explains.
"The whole thing should have been terminated and the evidence destroyed - eaten, if necessary," he adds. "But there were darker forces at work. The experimental subjects - PigMen and PigWomen - were taken to remote locations where it was thought they could do little damage. The one in Alaska is the only one I know about for sure, but I suspect that others have emerged - in Washington, maybe in boardrooms across the country."
PigMen and PigWomen can be recognised in a number of ways. "They never did iron out the wrinkles in the language capabilities, so they may use words at random. Faults in other nerve circuits mean that eyes may blink individually and uncontrollably. And, of course, they have short curly tails."
The Weekly World Inquisitor contacted various sources within the Beltway to confirm the scientist's claims. All refused to talk on the record but one, on condition of anonymity, said: "Most men in politics are pigs. Why should women be any different?"
Prowling Mutant Terrorizes Florida
A weird creature is on the prowl in Florida tonight after escaping from a top-secret government facility. The beast — half man, half-chimp — is the result of a covert breeding experiment designed to create a savage but compliant army of mutant soldiers.
A scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the genetic engineering program is a top priority for the current administration, some of whom have a major personal stake in its outcome.
The original ChimpMan project — originally codenamed 'Have MonkeyBoy' — was started several decades ago, said the scientist. "Only one subject survived. But there are people who think that experiment was extremely successful. There are others, of course, who think it went horribly wrong."
He added: "If we told you who that survivor was, and what he went on to be, I think you'd be in for a big shock."
A handful of genetically engineered specimens would be used to breed armies of creatures with limited imaginations, low intellects, the willingness to follow orders but with a natural aggression. "They'll make great soldiers and politicians," said the scientist, "that is, we can use them to do the jobs that no sensible person would want to do themselves."
No government agency has admitted to running the program nor have any warnings been issued. The scientist said that members of the public should not approach the creature if they spot it. If cornered, however, they should try to confuse the ChimpMan by asking it to perform basic arithmetic or spelling tasks. If that fails, he added, try placating it with shares in an oil company.
A group of powerful politicians, lobbyists, CEOs and PR executives has said its members will not take part in any future evolution of the human species.
A statement, signed by US President George W Bush on behalf of the group, claims that evolution, "is, in any case, just a theory and we do not feel we are obliged to participate in it".
The group describes itself as a "loose affiliation of like-minded business and political leaders with a profound interest in theologically and spiritually oriented issues". It has also been labelled a "cabal of Neocon fundamentalist nut-jobs" by almost everyone else.
The group may already have put its principles into practice.
A scientist from MIT, who specialises in evolution and genetics, claims there is clear evidence that the families of the group members may have been practising non-evolution for many generations. "Just look at the President," he said in an off-the-record briefing. "Do you really think old 'Monkey Face' George represents progress for the human species? That guy's already a few stages behind the rest of us."
According to this scientist, who has two PhDs and three white coats, George W Bush might actually be a living example of homo sapiens back when the species was only just acquiring the rudiments of language.
"They claim it's their religion that doesn't allow them to take part in evolution," said the scientist, "but have you seen the kind of guys you get in boardrooms and on the Hill? I reckon they're not evolving because they can't find mates except among their own kind. And the only genetic mutations they're getting are bad ones. Ugh!"