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“Beyond reason”

Brits fear terror attack!!

UK raises terror alert to 'bothersome'

British Government warns that 'something is up' but can't say what

The UK has raised its terror threat alert to the second-highest level - 'Bothersome'. According to a spokesman from the Home Office: "Intelligence sources have indicated that there is quite a high likelihood that certain ne'er-do-wells are in a rather agitated state and may be up to something."

He added: "We're not saying that they're actually going to do anything. Nor are we saying who they are or where they are. We just thought people ought to know that we're somewhat alarmed."

Asked what citizens should do about this, he replied: "Do? What do you mean do?" 

The UK has a different set of threat levels to the familiar color-coding used in the US. The British threat levels are:

Niggling: The security services have a nasty feeling about something but citizens should not concern themselves unduly.

Vexing: The Government knows that someone is planning something but can't quite put their finger on it. Citizens should not approach unattended packages and should immediately report any untoward behavior to the nearest constable.

Worrisome: The security services know that something is definitely going on. If you have any information, you should pass it on. In the meantime, please be careful not to say or do anything suspicious because it just confuses the situation and makes more work for MI5.

Bothersome: The Government isn't saying that an attack is about to happen, but all government ministers and civil servants have decided to stay at home with a nice cup of tea. If you are a member of certain religious or political groups, a policeman will be around shortly to have a nice chat. It would be unwise of anyone of a non-British appearance to travel on the Tube.

Awful: It's really rather likely that something ghastly will happen. We're terribly sorry.

When asked if people should be worried about the raising of the threat level, the Home Office spokesman said: "People should always be worried."

 

Republican Terrorists

Al Qaeda says 'Vote for Giuliani'

Terror group puts weight behind Republican candidate

The world's leading terrorist organization is giving its support to Rudy Giuliani in the next US presidential race. According to sources close to Al Qaeda, only Giuliani can ensure the long-term success of both the US military and its partners, such as Islamic terror groups.

"We need a Republican in the White House," said an Al Qaeda spokesman. "Republicans are willing to use the US military in the aggressive way we need to support our cause and aid recruitment. Let's face it, Islamic terror wouldn't be where it is today if it wasn't for George W Bush alienating muslims everywhere."

Although Giuliani has yet to win the Republican nomination, the spokesman said that his group would do everything in its power to support him. "Democrats don't seem to have the guts it takes to send US troops to get slaughtered overseas," he added. "And as for the rest of the Republican candidates, well who are they? What's needed is someone with personality and a high profile who can stir up resentment and hatred against the US worldwide while remaining popular at home. That's where Bush failed."

The organization would not release details of how it would support Giuliani and denied that it has made any financial contributions, although it's believed that it still has some old CIA funds left over from their time working together in Afghanistan.

A statement issued by Al Qaeda through its Atlanta-based PR company said: "For the past eight years, our organization has fully supported the Republican party's successful strategy of raising public levels of threat awareness, the wholesale exchange of so-called personal liberties for the more enduring and profitable apparatus of state control. It's important to have a global environment with high levels of perceived peril in order to provide a free and healthy market for defense contractors, network news channels and terror organizations such as our own."

Mr Giuliani was not available for comment.

 

Fessin' Up

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed confesses to killing Kennedy

"I was on that grassy knoll," says captured Al Qaeda boss

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, said by US authorities to be the no.3 man in Al-Qaeda, has confessed to shooting President John F Kennedy in 1963.

A transcript of his top-secret tribunal at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, at which the terrorist top-dog also admitted to planning the 9/11 operation and personally beheading US journalist Daniel Pearl, quotes him as saying: "Yeah, why not, I did Kennedy. I was working for a cartel of Texan businessmen, the CIA, the FBI, an organization of anti-Castro Cuban exiles and a secret, underground network of conspiracy book publishers."

The transcript was released by the Pentagon, which is responsible for the Gitmo tribunals at which 'defendants' are not allowed legal representation or witnesses.

The 1,952-page document also reveals Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's key role in the Bali nightclub bombings and attempts at shoe bombings, attacks on airports and plans to kill former US presidents Carter and Clinton.

He added: "I offed Marilyn Monroe, too. Jimmy Hoffa, that was me. I got Jimi Hendrix hooked on drugs. And MySpace was my idea."

He concluded: "I also take full responsibility for the US decision to invade Iraq: it was my fault and no-one else's."