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Mid-Term Mayhem

Bush blames defeat on poor vote-rigging

President says that more training is needed for voting machine programmers and polling station hoodlums

Reeling from the shock of the Republican's defeat in the mid-term elections, President George W Bush has released a statement saying that it was all the result of faulty democratic processes.

"Clearly, this result cannot be trusted," he said from a bunker somewhere in Washington. "We have gone to great efforts to ensure that the American people vote the way they should vote. There has been a breakdown in the electoral system."

In particular, Bush pointed to the use of electronic voting machines. "We have worked very closely with the people producing this new generation of... well, a kind of automated democracy, if you will," he smirked. "It is crucial that the machines report faithfully and without favour the voting intentions of the people. And as the party with experience of government, as well as being the incumbents, we were best placed to know what those intentions were."

Bush says he is alarmed to find that the majority of the machines simply registered how the voters voted, rather than how they meant to vote. "That's not democracy, that's the rule of the mob," he said. "Democracy is too precious to allow just anyone to do it, which is why we have gone to great lengths to shoulder the burden of determining the outcome of elections."

It's also claimed that the President is disappointed by the failure of his party's efforts to deny people the ability to vote, particularly among black and hispanic communities.

"If lying, rigging the register and intimidating voters doesn't work, how will we ever bring democracy to this country?" he said.

An unconfirmed report suggests that the Iraqi parliament has reviewed the US-style democracy that was recently delivered and has decided to send it back.