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Pardon?

Bush pardons 'Scooter' Libby

President George W Bush accidentally offers a full pardon to 'Scooter' Libby; also announces victory in Iraq War

In a press statement, dated Nov 1, 2008 but distributed today, US President George W Bush has issued a full pardon to I Lewis 'Scooter' Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney.

Libby was found guilty, in early March 2007, of perjury (two counts), making false statements and obstruction of justice after he lied about his role in the revealing of an undercover CIA agent, Valerie Plame.

Today's statement was emailed to newspapers, TV news networks and news agencies as a Microsoft Word document. It is now believed that this was, in fact, merely an unapproved early version — edited by White House staffers having been originally drafted by the President himself. It was due to be released at the end of Mr Bush's presidency.

When questioned by the Weekly World Inquisitor as to why the statement was being prepared now, the chief of press relations at the White House said, "Who did you say you were?" Later, we spoke to an intern who explained that approvals for presidential statements can be a lengthy process and that, "we wanted to make sure we didn't forget."

The statement says, in part, (and with 'track changes' enabled):

I believe good ol' Scooter Mr Libby was acting in the best interests of us good guys the United States when he nailed that bastard's wife made statements that were, as he understood it at the time, gonna get 'em good truthful.

In this time of peace, now that Iraq has been bombed into the stone age brought to peaceful democracy and at last the oil is flowing people are free, it seems cotton pickin' stoopid unreasonable to punish a man who was only dumber'n a hatful of assholes serving his country.

The White House press office has asked that the statements be returned and, in the words of one staffer, "it'd be better just to forget the whole thing, if you know what's good for you."

Mr Libby was unavailable for comment.

 

Space Invaders

US plans to invade space

The empty vastness of the universe must be made safe for democracy, says US President

The US Government is planning to invade space as part of its 'War on Terror'™.

The invasion plans were discovered among the effects left in a motel room by NASA astronaut Sean O'Flighty, who is currently being sought by Florida police authorities and the FBI on charges of aggravated buggery, peddling child pornography and blasphemy.

The plans were subsequently leaked by a blogger, known only as 'Nightstick', who is believed to be a law enforcement officer.

"The plans call for the building of a squadron of armed Shuttles," claimed Nightstick. "Apparently, Bush fears there might be aliens out there harboring weapons of mass destruction.

"It looks like they learned something from Iraq, though," he added. "There's a whole chapter on the possible international repercussions of the invasion and what to do about it. Basically, we're just going to claim that space belongs to America anyway and we don't need permission, let alone a UN resolution, to invade it."

This was later confirmed by a White House spokesman who said: "It's ours. We got there first. So there."

US President George W Bush later gave a statement to the press in which he said: "There's a lot of space out there, and it's important it's all made free for democracy. That's why we have to ensure no-one else gets it."

He added: "If we ever do meet any alien lifeforms, I feel certain, deep in my heart, that they will want nothing more than to be American."