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CIA joins in #occupy demonstrations

Cash-strapped spy agency says capitalism ain't what it used to be

CIA agents have joined protests in major centers of capitalism around the world. But instead of spying on the protestors, they're complaining as loudly as anyone.

Inspired by the Occupy Wall Street movement, people have taken to the streets in many major cities, including London and Rome. Most of the demonstrators are made up of anarchists, the unemployed and teenagers who've just discovered politics.

But it turns out they're not the only ones angry with the real world.

"Capitalism has gone all to hell," said one veteran CIA operative in a Guy Fawkes mask who works out of the London office. "We used to have a great time fighting commies - all the guns, helicopters and money we wanted. Now all you hear is that there's no cash. Budget cutbacks. Guys being laid off. But the money's out there somewhere, so who's got it?"

In spite of billions of dollars being appropriated for fighting terrorism after 9/11, most of it is going into the pockets of private contractors, said the CIA spook.

"Took me four weeks to requisition the funds to buy a hooker for a honeytrap," he said. "And another two weeks to get the bullets to terminate the target once we'd trapped him.

"But," he added, "my department spent $2 billion on a 'Terrorist Detector' app for our iPhones from some company in Tel Aviv. Turned out it was just a rebadged version of Foursquare."

At the same time, spooks are suffering like anyone else.

"I can't get a mortgage," he said, "on account of being a 'bad risk' or something. I'm supposed to be the one who says who's a bad risk.

"Meanwhile, cost of living's going up. Have you seen the price of Kevlar clothing?"

The CIA agent said he'd recognised a number of colleagues in the crowd around St Paul's Cathedral. "That's fella's NSA," he said. "Coupla FBI guys here, too. Guess they're all PO'd."

Asked if he thinks this is the start of a worldwide revolution, the CIA agent said: "Oh God I hope so. Things might be back to normal then."


Mind Control Rays

Government bans tin-foil beanies

Metal headwear not fair on mind-control spooks, say Feds

Aluminum Foil Deflector BeanieResponding to pressure from the CIA and NSA, the US Government has banned aluminum headgear, metal underwear and other devices designed to interfere with mind-control rays.

"This kind of clothing is unpatriotic," said a White House spokesman. "America's intelligence agencies are fighting a ceaseless battle against the forces of terrorism, paranoia, alien abduction and civil liberties. Mind control is an essential weapon in our fight to keep the US safe from unconventional and non-conformist elements in society. The agencies rely on mind-control rays to preserve our freedom, and we have to let these guys do their jobs."

He added: "It's also unfair. The Government has invested billions in the MKULTRA program, developing some of the most sophisticated technology known to man. And these antisocial elements are defeating it with two dollars' worth of Bacofoil."

Congress was prompted to outlaw the possession or manufacture of anti-mind-control devices and garments when it was revealed that increasingly large numbers of people were failing to take the Government seriously.

"Clearly our message isn't getting through," said Senator Julius Fouine, chair of the Congressional Committee on Democratic Conformance. "Congress, the intelligence agencies, the armed forces - we can't make the US the country it's supposed to be all by ourselves. We need everyone on board and on message. We have the technologies to achieve this, to ensure that people think the right way, but we have to deal with that small portion of the population - traitors, I'd call them - who have the strange and unAmerican delusion that they can think any way they like."

Not everyone is happy about the ruling. 

Jezebel X, a self-confessed mind control sex-slave, who claims to have been the unwilling plaything of George W Bush, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, the last three Popes, and OJ Simpson, said: "A tin-foil hat is the only way I can get any rest. If I couldn't block the rays from time to time, I'd be worn out within a week." Asked why she didn't wear the aluminum hat all the time, she replied: "A job's a job."

There are rumours of activity by a shadowy group known as the Beanie Resistance Army (BRA) - an uneasy coalition of geeks, conspiracy theorists and ex-postal workers, according to one anonymous source. "There's a growing underground network of freedom fighters dedicated to distributing beanie-making materials to insurgents across the country," he said.

Recent raids by FBI agents have uncovered BRA safe houses where they discovered instructions for building tin-foil beanies and aluminum long-johns. They also unearthed several copies of the covert movement's 'bible', the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie, a book that allegedly provides full details of how to make anti-mind-control devices from nothing more than household materials.

However, according to experts, the law concerns only metal-based garments and will affect just a handful of people. "It's a good job they exempted propeller beanies," commented a spokesgeek from Slashdot, "otherwise the internet woulda ground to a halt."

[Photo courtesy Zapato Productions Intradimensional]


Fessin' Up

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed confesses to killing Kennedy

"I was on that grassy knoll," says captured Al Qaeda boss

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, said by US authorities to be the no.3 man in Al-Qaeda, has confessed to shooting President John F Kennedy in 1963.

A transcript of his top-secret tribunal at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, at which the terrorist top-dog also admitted to planning the 9/11 operation and personally beheading US journalist Daniel Pearl, quotes him as saying: "Yeah, why not, I did Kennedy. I was working for a cartel of Texan businessmen, the CIA, the FBI, an organization of anti-Castro Cuban exiles and a secret, underground network of conspiracy book publishers."

The transcript was released by the Pentagon, which is responsible for the Gitmo tribunals at which 'defendants' are not allowed legal representation or witnesses.

The 1,952-page document also reveals Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's key role in the Bali nightclub bombings and attempts at shoe bombings, attacks on airports and plans to kill former US presidents Carter and Clinton.

He added: "I offed Marilyn Monroe, too. Jimmy Hoffa, that was me. I got Jimi Hendrix hooked on drugs. And MySpace was my idea."

He concluded: "I also take full responsibility for the US decision to invade Iraq: it was my fault and no-one else's."



Bush pardons 'Scooter' Libby

President George W Bush accidentally offers a full pardon to 'Scooter' Libby; also announces victory in Iraq War

In a press statement, dated Nov 1, 2008 but distributed today, US President George W Bush has issued a full pardon to I Lewis 'Scooter' Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney.

Libby was found guilty, in early March 2007, of perjury (two counts), making false statements and obstruction of justice after he lied about his role in the revealing of an undercover CIA agent, Valerie Plame.

Today's statement was emailed to newspapers, TV news networks and news agencies as a Microsoft Word document. It is now believed that this was, in fact, merely an unapproved early version — edited by White House staffers having been originally drafted by the President himself. It was due to be released at the end of Mr Bush's presidency.

When questioned by the Weekly World Inquisitor as to why the statement was being prepared now, the chief of press relations at the White House said, "Who did you say you were?" Later, we spoke to an intern who explained that approvals for presidential statements can be a lengthy process and that, "we wanted to make sure we didn't forget."

The statement says, in part, (and with 'track changes' enabled):

I believe good ol' Scooter Mr Libby was acting in the best interests of us good guys the United States when he nailed that bastard's wife made statements that were, as he understood it at the time, gonna get 'em good truthful.

In this time of peace, now that Iraq has been bombed into the stone age brought to peaceful democracy and at last the oil is flowing people are free, it seems cotton pickin' stoopid unreasonable to punish a man who was only dumber'n a hatful of assholes serving his country.

The White House press office has asked that the statements be returned and, in the words of one staffer, "it'd be better just to forget the whole thing, if you know what's good for you."

Mr Libby was unavailable for comment.


Blame Game

Bush calls for arrest of entire CIA

US President follows Italians' lead - blames everything on Langley's super-spooks

Spooks worried by Bush US President George W Bush has called for the arrest of all members of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA).

The official reason for issuing federal arrest warrants for every CIA employee has not been made public. However, while preparing for a TV interview — for the Fox exposé 'Booze & Fundamentalism' — a private conversation between President Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney was accidentally taped.

According to a leaked transcript, Bush said: "Look Dick, I don't want people remembering me as the guy who fucked-up in Iraq. I mean, I don't want 'em thinking it was all my doing, right? Goddamnit, the CIA are supposed to provide intelligence ... see, it says so right in their name. But not one of those bastards told me what a total clusterfuck it was going to be."

Cheney's reply was muffled and was quickly interrupted by the President.

"I don't want to hear that. Look, the Italians have shown us the way. I didn't know arresting CIA agents was an option. But now it makes a lot of sense."

One potential snag is that no-one actually knows how many people work for the CIA. "It's a secret, apparently," said a White House aide. "Only the CIA knows for sure, and they're not telling us. So what else is new?"

The same aide confirmed that, from this point in time, the CIA is to be given, "full credit for the planning and execution of the Iraq war and anything else we might be blamed for before the President's term of office ends".

He also pointed out that President Bush could not be held responsible for not knowing what the CIA didn't tell him, and that Donald Rumsfeld would be coming out of retirement to make a statement to this effect — or something very like it — soon.