Genetic Monster on Prowl
Governments agents have issued a warning that ChimpMan - the half-chimp, half-man result of a super-secret breeding program - is on the loose and rampaging around Texas.
"If spotted, you should make no attempt to approach the critter," said a scientist from the highly classified government laboratory.
"This beast was bred to have no fear and no pity," he added. "In that regard, the experiment was a huge success. Unfortunately, he's also as dumb as a hatful of assholes."
It's understood that this genetic monster may have been released into the wild deliberately.
"He's escaped before," said the scientist. "But we've always got him back within a day or two. Sometimes he came back by himself: not because he was hungry but because he was stupid. He'd just forgotten that he was trying to escape."
Some sources within the top-secret breeding program suggest that this time was different. The program itself was recently shut down after eight years of continual blunders and failures.
"The operation of which he was a part has come to an end," said one anonymous lab assistant, who is now unemployed. "So ChimpMan's usefulness was at an end. And what do you do with a clueless, useless and, frankly, embarrassing screw-up? I guess dumping him in some Texas wasteland seemed like the natural solution."
Prowling Mutant Terrorizes Florida
A weird creature is on the prowl in Florida tonight after escaping from a top-secret government facility. The beast — half man, half-chimp — is the result of a covert breeding experiment designed to create a savage but compliant army of mutant soldiers.
A scientist, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the genetic engineering program is a top priority for the current administration, some of whom have a major personal stake in its outcome.
The original ChimpMan project — originally codenamed 'Have MonkeyBoy' — was started several decades ago, said the scientist. "Only one subject survived. But there are people who think that experiment was extremely successful. There are others, of course, who think it went horribly wrong."
He added: "If we told you who that survivor was, and what he went on to be, I think you'd be in for a big shock."
A handful of genetically engineered specimens would be used to breed armies of creatures with limited imaginations, low intellects, the willingness to follow orders but with a natural aggression. "They'll make great soldiers and politicians," said the scientist, "that is, we can use them to do the jobs that no sensible person would want to do themselves."
No government agency has admitted to running the program nor have any warnings been issued. The scientist said that members of the public should not approach the creature if they spot it. If cornered, however, they should try to confuse the ChimpMan by asking it to perform basic arithmetic or spelling tasks. If that fails, he added, try placating it with shares in an oil company.