President Elect Quits
President Elect Barack Obama has quit his new job, even before taking office.
"I knew this country was in a bad state," he said. "I just had no idea how bad."
A source close to the President Elect said that he was shocked by what he saw when he visited dead duck President George W Bush at the White House.
"It wasn't just the state of the place," he said. "We expected that. The half-empty pizza boxes and beer cans in the Oval Office. The way all the computers in the communications suite were logged into porn sites. It was like a frat house. But nothing that couldn't get cleaned up in a week or so."
What especially perturbed the visitors, said the source, was how nothing seems to have been done around the place for months, maybe years.
"In the Oval Office was one of those toy basketball hoops - you know, the kind that makes a cheering noise when you manage to throw something in it," he claimed. "All around the hoop were balled up pieces of paper that turned out to be CIA, NSA and Pentagon briefings dating back to 2000."
The biggest problem, said the source, is that Bush won't stop being President. "Even though no-one likes him, even though he's acknowledged as the worst President in history, he keeps doing stuff and just making it worse. He gave up long ago trying to fix problems like his wars, drugs, the tanking economy and the ecological crisis. So he's spending his last days like a petulant toddler on PCP. He's putting oil refineries in national parks. He's pardoning murderers. Thanks to Bush, America is already in the shitter and now he's trying to flush it."
According to Obama's retinue, the final straw came when the President Elect was briefed by senior people within the intelligence community, the State Department and the Treasury. "That's when we found out that - bad as we thought it was - Bush and his cronies had still been lying to us. It's so, so much worse."
According to insiders, at the end of the meeting Obama commented: "I love America, but I'm not cleaning that up!"
Final AIDS Solution
Presidential failure Mike Huckabee could sweep to victory on his next attempt at the top job. That's the view of some pundits who see Huckabee riding to power on a wave of fundamentalist fervor.
The right-wing zealot is known for his desire to replace the Constitution with laws based on religious texts, much like the Taleban attempted in Afghanistan, but with a much bigger army to back him up. And in implementing biblical law, Huckabee would be able to solve problems that get his ultra-religious supporters hot under the collar — such as AIDS.
Back in 1992, Huckabee wrote, in answer to questions from the Associated Press:
"If the federal government is truly serious about doing something with the AIDS virus, we need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague.
"It is difficult to understand the public policy towards AIDS. It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents."
One Huckabee supporter is ecstatic about this idea. "See what he's saying?" frothed Seth Smoten, a snake handler from South Carolina. "He's saying it's a plague, like in Egypt, like in the Bible. Or maybe like lepers an' shit. You can't have those people walking around among healthy, god-fearin' folk!"
One junior aide for the Huckabee campaign in Dogsbollox, Tennessee believed that Huckabee was hinting at the idea of special camps where AIDS plague carriers could be concentrated away from valuable medical resources. "We should give them somewhere they can die peacefully and quietly," said the aide, "where they won't bother anyone else. Let's face it, all they really need is a bed and a set of pyjamas."
Mike Huckabee was unavailable for comment.
The world's leading terrorist organization is giving its support to Rudy Giuliani in the next US presidential race. According to sources close to Al Qaeda, only Giuliani can ensure the long-term success of both the US military and its partners, such as Islamic terror groups.
"We need a Republican in the White House," said an Al Qaeda spokesman. "Republicans are willing to use the US military in the aggressive way we need to support our cause and aid recruitment. Let's face it, Islamic terror wouldn't be where it is today if it wasn't for George W Bush alienating muslims everywhere."
Although Giuliani has yet to win the Republican nomination, the spokesman said that his group would do everything in its power to support him. "Democrats don't seem to have the guts it takes to send US troops to get slaughtered overseas," he added. "And as for the rest of the Republican candidates, well who are they? What's needed is someone with personality and a high profile who can stir up resentment and hatred against the US worldwide while remaining popular at home. That's where Bush failed."
The organization would not release details of how it would support Giuliani and denied that it has made any financial contributions, although it's believed that it still has some old CIA funds left over from their time working together in Afghanistan.
A statement issued by Al Qaeda through its Atlanta-based PR company said: "For the past eight years, our organization has fully supported the Republican party's successful strategy of raising public levels of threat awareness, the wholesale exchange of so-called personal liberties for the more enduring and profitable apparatus of state control. It's important to have a global environment with high levels of perceived peril in order to provide a free and healthy market for defense contractors, network news channels and terror organizations such as our own."
Mr Giuliani was not available for comment.
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, said by US authorities to be the no.3 man in Al-Qaeda, has confessed to shooting President John F Kennedy in 1963.
A transcript of his top-secret tribunal at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, at which the terrorist top-dog also admitted to planning the 9/11 operation and personally beheading US journalist Daniel Pearl, quotes him as saying: "Yeah, why not, I did Kennedy. I was working for a cartel of Texan businessmen, the CIA, the FBI, an organization of anti-Castro Cuban exiles and a secret, underground network of conspiracy book publishers."
The transcript was released by the Pentagon, which is responsible for the Gitmo tribunals at which 'defendants' are not allowed legal representation or witnesses.
The 1,952-page document also reveals Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's key role in the Bali nightclub bombings and attempts at shoe bombings, attacks on airports and plans to kill former US presidents Carter and Clinton.
He added: "I offed Marilyn Monroe, too. Jimmy Hoffa, that was me. I got Jimi Hendrix hooked on drugs. And MySpace was my idea."
He concluded: "I also take full responsibility for the US decision to invade Iraq: it was my fault and no-one else's."
In a press statement, dated Nov 1, 2008 but distributed today, US President George W Bush has issued a full pardon to I Lewis 'Scooter' Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney.
Libby was found guilty, in early March 2007, of perjury (two counts), making false statements and obstruction of justice after he lied about his role in the revealing of an undercover CIA agent, Valerie Plame.
Today's statement was emailed to newspapers, TV news networks and news agencies as a Microsoft Word document. It is now believed that this was, in fact, merely an unapproved early version — edited by White House staffers having been originally drafted by the President himself. It was due to be released at the end of Mr Bush's presidency.
When questioned by the Weekly World Inquisitor as to why the statement was being prepared now, the chief of press relations at the White House said, "Who did you say you were?" Later, we spoke to an intern who explained that approvals for presidential statements can be a lengthy process and that, "we wanted to make sure we didn't forget."
The statement says, in part, (and with 'track changes' enabled):
good ol' ScooterMr Libby was acting in the best interests of us good guysthe United States when he nailed that bastard's wifemade statements that were, as he understood it at the time, gonna get 'em goodtruthful.
In this time of peace, now that Iraq has been
bombed into the stone agebrought to peaceful democracy and at last the oil is flowingpeople are free, it seems cotton pickin' stoopidunreasonable to punish a man who was only dumber'n a hatful of assholesserving his country.
The White House press office has asked that the statements be returned and, in the words of one staffer, "it'd be better just to forget the whole thing, if you know what's good for you."
Mr Libby was unavailable for comment.
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