President not a Muslim!!
Following intense pressure from Donald Trump and Usenet activists, the White House has finally released a copy of President Barack Obama's long-form birth certificate.
And he's Chinese!
"We wanted to shut up these Birther idiots once and for all," said a White House spokesman, "so we spent all Easter weekend looking for the damn thing. We finally found it stuffed in an envelope with some old utility bills, three tickets to an Emerson, Lake & Palmer concert and seven AOL CDs."
The certificate appears to show Obama's birthplace as Honolulu. However, advanced image analysis by the Carpenter Foundation for American National Purity reveals that the document was recently altered.
"Clearly this is a cover-up of epic proportions," said William Carpenter, founder of the Foundation. "We haven't seen a whitewash of these dimensions since the Nixon days. Except for Clinton. And Bush. And the other Bush."
It's believed that the Carpenter Foundation was hired by Trump to examine the document.
"Trump wanted to prove, once and for all, that Obama is a Muslim," said Carpenter. "This is a huge disappointment for him."
Careful image manipulation showed that Obama's place of birth was not, in fact, Hawaii but the town of Honororo, in the Heilongjiang province of China.
"Although it shows he's not an American, Trump has to be careful not to upset the Chinese," said NewWorldDisorder, a Usenet researcher and aluminum foil salesman. "Hell, no-one wants to upset the Chinese - they own half our damn country."
Trump has now told Yahoo! News that he simply want to "move on" with what remains of his life.
Iron makes you readable and writeable!!
Forget about ID cards, biometric passports and RFID chips in your underwear. The latest Government conspiracy - part of a massive surveillance and tracking program - is breakfast cereal.
"Look on any pack of cereal and see what it says about iron," says William H Carpenter, head of 'Patriots Against Cereals', a campaign group run by the Carpenter Government Conspiracy Foundation. "Now ask yourself, what the hell is iron doing in a breakfast food?"
According to nutritionists, and even actual scientists, additional iron in our food has no health benefits. But many so-called health foods and nearly all cereals have iron added to them. Why? Well, Carpenter says the build-up of iron in our bodies does have one serious side-effect.
"It means that data can be recorded in your body tissue using specially adapted magnetic recording devices," he explains. "In effect, your body becomes a giant hard drive. And any data that's recorded can also be read."
Every time you pass through a toll booth, shop at a store, visit a Government building or attend a meeting, information about those activities will be stored in your muscles. Police officers, FBI agents and other, more covert, Government operatives, can read that data using hand-held scanners.
And the information isn't even safe with the Government. With the right techniques, anyone can read the data and know everything about what you've done and where you've been.
"I swung a crystal over one of my patients and it went crazy," said Melody Moroni, a homeopathic consultant and canine stylist. "Then I started to interpret the movements. Within minutes I knew more about that client than I wanted to. I immediately reported him to the FBI as a possible terrorist."
According to Carpenter, this iron-enriching program is linked to the one putting sugar in our diet and is being run not by a Government department but a private contractor.
"It's all about plausible denial and circumventing the Constitution," he says. "It's a Government conspiracy alright, but they're not doing the dirty work themselves.
"This work is being outsourced to the ID and surveillance arm of LethalResponse.com and is a key part of the LoyalCitizen program," he adds. "Soon you'll see breakfast cereals being sold with special offers on LoyalCitizen Patriot Points."
Carpenter foresees a time, very soon, when you will pay road tolls just by waving your arm at a digital reader. "As part of the LoyalCitizen program, LethalResponse.com is introducing the ConstantTraveler scheme that will charge people for road use and track our movements," he claims. "It's designed to keep tabs on every journey taken by every citizen. Sure, having a magnetic body will make it convenient. But what if you're accidentally deleted?"
Government wants your spit!!
In a crucial step towards creating a One World Government, a top-secret Washington-based organization is building a DNA database covering every US citizen, illegal aliens and even tourists.
And your DNA is being harvested without your permission by the same people you trust to look after your health.
"Ever been to the dentist and wondered why they put those suction tubes in your mouth?" says William H Carpenter, founder of the Carpenter Foundation for the Investigation of Medical Conspiracies. "Ever wondered why you can't just spit any more?"
Saliva and extracted teeth collected by dentists are being sent to a covert Washington laboratory. Once the DNA is analyzed, the teeth are hidden in hardcore used for repairs to the Beltway. It's not known what happens to the saliva, but Carpenter advises against bathing in the Potomac.
And it's not just dentists who are in on this scheme. The Government is working with food manufacturers to increase the amount of sugar we eat.
"This plan won't work if people don't go to the dentist," says Carpenter. "So they're making sure our teeth rot. Americans eat more sugar each week than the entire population of Africa does in a decade. There has to be a reason for that."
There are parts of the country where even this plot is failing, Carpenter says. In rural areas of Arkansas or the Appalachians, for example, people are used to going without teeth. "That said, there are some people that even the Government might decide to ignore," he says.
There are things you can do to protect your right to anonymity, says Carpenter.
"When you visit the dentist," he says, "insist on taking home with you any saliva or teeth removed during the treatment."
The Smell of Slavery
A secret cabal of bankers, technocrats, politicians and fashion designers is engaged in a new conspiracy, and this time its target is your body.
'The Scent of Fear' is a new perfume and toiletries range about to be launched on an unsuspecting publlic.
"It's all about eradicating our individuality," claims conspiracy watcher William H Carpenter. "For centuries, the fashion industry has been toiling away, in the pay of its One World Government masters, to make us look the same, smell the same and think the same. This is just the latest stage in that process."
Carpenter, who operates from an armed complex somewhere in the Nevada desert, says the new scheme is the brainchild of some of the top members of the Illuminati, the leaders of the New World Order.
"I love the smell of perfume," he says, "but this one smells like ... enslavement."
Popular scents already make large portions of the population smell alike, Carpenter points out. But what the New World Order wants is complete uniformity.
"Maybe ten per cent of young people smell of Lagerfeld or Chanel or Chlöe," he says. "But that's still too much choice. And changing scent is a means of disguise. If we all smell the same, the NWO can train its tracker and attack dogs to ignore the perfume and go for the human odor beneath. These dogs will be conditioned not to smell Fear."
The first product in the range, 'Fear pour Femme', will be a perfume and eau de toilette sold in a bottle resembling a hand grenade. The handle operates the atomizer while pulling the pin will deliver an extra-large dose for emergency situations. Releasing the handle after pulling the pin will trigger a rape alarm.
"This alarm will be monitored from the NORAD facilities in Cheyenne Mountain," claims Carpenter. "But don't expect help to arrive. It's just a way of identifying sexually active and unruly elements in society. I think we can expect a series of raids by Special Forces teams on frat houses and popular Spring Break locations."
Genetic Monster on Prowl
Governments agents have issued a warning that ChimpMan - the half-chimp, half-man result of a super-secret breeding program - is on the loose and rampaging around Texas.
"If spotted, you should make no attempt to approach the critter," said a scientist from the highly classified government laboratory.
"This beast was bred to have no fear and no pity," he added. "In that regard, the experiment was a huge success. Unfortunately, he's also as dumb as a hatful of assholes."
It's understood that this genetic monster may have been released into the wild deliberately.
"He's escaped before," said the scientist. "But we've always got him back within a day or two. Sometimes he came back by himself: not because he was hungry but because he was stupid. He'd just forgotten that he was trying to escape."
Some sources within the top-secret breeding program suggest that this time was different. The program itself was recently shut down after eight years of continual blunders and failures.
"The operation of which he was a part has come to an end," said one anonymous lab assistant, who is now unemployed. "So ChimpMan's usefulness was at an end. And what do you do with a clueless, useless and, frankly, embarrassing screw-up? I guess dumping him in some Texas wasteland seemed like the natural solution."
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