McCain is Robotic Stiff !!!
John McCain's heart has stopped beating. But he is able to continue campaigning thanks to the use of advanced bionics, says a Washington doctor.
"Many people have noted that McCain has suddenly stopped fear-mongering and using hate speech," says Doctor Michael Souris. "That's because he's dead."
The DC-based medic qualified in Holistic Kinesiology and specialises in Political Aura Analysis. He claims his internet-based practice has been used by a large number of leading politicians, celebrities and TV journalists to "align their chakras with their business and personal goals". And he claims his special gifts have allowed him to see past the facade of McCain's public appearances.
Speaking at the recent 'Strategic Ear Candling for Corporate Success' conference, Dr Souris stunned the audience of nearly a dozen CEOs with his assertion that McCain is now little more than, "the kind of Animatronic gimmick you see at Disneyworld".
"Clearly he's still campaigning because it's important to get Sarah Palin into the White House," he said. "There never was any intention that McCain would be kept functioning for very long after the inauguration, what with recurrent melanoma, hyperlipidemia, degenerative joint disease and his well-known problems with recall. If elected, he'd have been the oldest president ever to be sworn in. Clearly, he wasn't meant to last more than a few months, let alone a full term. Now that's he's dead, they'll probably switch him off the day after he enters the Oval Office."
But the subterfuge isn't without its problems, said Souris.
"The software clearly has some kinks to work out. Note how it switches so suddenly from delivering a point in a speech to chuckling inanely. No living human would behave like that."
McCain's incoherence, his inability to answer questions properly and the constant repetition of his war stories all point to bug-riddled programming. "Either the software is still in beta or it's been produced by Microsoft," said Souris.
"However," warns the Doctor. "This doesn't mean that Sarah Palin is also dead just because she has the same problems. Her issues with language, truth and intelligence stem from the breeding program that produced her."
Secret Weapon in Presidential Race
Mike Huckabee might still win the Republican nomination for President. Most pundits have written him off, but now some are suggesting the Christian extremist candidate might have a secret weapon that will kill John McCain's campaign.
"Have you noticed how Huckabee hasn't dropped out even though he seems a clear no-hoper?" asked Mac Velli, chief analyst with a highly secretive Washington political PR company which has no name. "It's like he knows something we don't. It's like he knows for certain that McCain won't make it to the Republican convention."
The recent allegations about McCain's relationship with Washington-based lobbyist Vicki Iseman is evidence of a covert campaign that may originate within the Republican party itself. "Who knows how far this might go?" said Velli. "I mean, McCain's not a young guy. If he was to meet his sudden demise ... well, maybe people wouldn't ask too many questions."
Others have pointed to the fact that Mormon candidate Mitt Romney has stopped campaigning but has not officially withdrawn. "He's the anti-Huckabee camp's safety net," said Velli. "But it does mean that if McCain ... um ... meets with an accident, we'll have a choice between two religious nutjobs. Of course, that's often the case with Republicans."
Asked whether Huckabee might be implicated in a secret plot to end McCain's chances, Velli said: "Obviously, it's easy to see why Huckabee would want to see McCain's campaign die. But I guarantee you will never find an evidence trail linking Huckabee to any sudden termination of McCain's presidential hopes."
He added: "All the same, if I were McCain, I'd be worried."
Reeling from the shock of the Republican's defeat in the mid-term elections, President George W Bush has released a statement saying that it was all the result of faulty democratic processes.
"Clearly, this result cannot be trusted," he said from a bunker somewhere in Washington. "We have gone to great efforts to ensure that the American people vote the way they should vote. There has been a breakdown in the electoral system."
In particular, Bush pointed to the use of electronic voting machines. "We have worked very closely with the people producing this new generation of... well, a kind of automated democracy, if you will," he smirked. "It is crucial that the machines report faithfully and without favour the voting intentions of the people. And as the party with experience of government, as well as being the incumbents, we were best placed to know what those intentions were."
Bush says he is alarmed to find that the majority of the machines simply registered how the voters voted, rather than how they meant to vote. "That's not democracy, that's the rule of the mob," he said. "Democracy is too precious to allow just anyone to do it, which is why we have gone to great lengths to shoulder the burden of determining the outcome of elections."
It's also claimed that the President is disappointed by the failure of his party's efforts to deny people the ability to vote, particularly among black and hispanic communities.
"If lying, rigging the register and intimidating voters doesn't work, how will we ever bring democracy to this country?" he said.
An unconfirmed report suggests that the Iraqi parliament has reviewed the US-style democracy that was recently delivered and has decided to send it back.