Extremists Kill New President
Just one day after taking office, Kalonzo Obama, President of the Lake Naivasha Beekeeping Society, has been assassinated by bandits during what some claim to have been a botched robbery of the Kenyan Imperial Honey Emporium.
Sources in the nation's capital, Nairobi, say that extremist factions within the beekeeping community had vowed they would never allow Obama to become leader of what is viewed as Kenya's leading beekeeping society.
"This election made him the most powerful man in the world of honey," said one anonymous apiculturist. "But certain right-wing groups, some with links to major industrial honey, preserves and condiment corporations, couldn't accept him as their president."
According to the police, a group of burglars were stealing pots of honey and honey-based snacks from the Emporium's gift shop - the Hive House - when they were surprised by Obama, who had remained there overnight having become tired and emotional from his inauguration earlier in the day. The robbers shot Obama dead before making off with their loot.
"It was just a robbery that went wrong," said an official police statement.
But insiders point to militia groups aligned to powerful commercial interests.
"Obama believed in change," said one. "He wanted to give power back to individual beekeepers. He wanted to end the war between rival hives. And he wanted a more responsible approach to the environment - you know, for bees. They weren't going to let that happen. These people are nothing better than terrorists."
There has been a conspiracy to prevent Obama taking office, he added. And what drove the conspiracy was racism.
"Obama was the champion of the European dark bee," said the insider. "But these shady groups want to maintain the supremacy of the Carniolan honey bee. As far as they're concerned, the only good dark bee is a dead dark bee."
Obama, who is believed to be no relation whatsoever to US President Barack Obama (pictured above) was inaugurated as President on the same day his namesake took office in Washington.
McCain is Robotic Stiff !!!
John McCain's heart has stopped beating. But he is able to continue campaigning thanks to the use of advanced bionics, says a Washington doctor.
"Many people have noted that McCain has suddenly stopped fear-mongering and using hate speech," says Doctor Michael Souris. "That's because he's dead."
The DC-based medic qualified in Holistic Kinesiology and specialises in Political Aura Analysis. He claims his internet-based practice has been used by a large number of leading politicians, celebrities and TV journalists to "align their chakras with their business and personal goals". And he claims his special gifts have allowed him to see past the facade of McCain's public appearances.
Speaking at the recent 'Strategic Ear Candling for Corporate Success' conference, Dr Souris stunned the audience of nearly a dozen CEOs with his assertion that McCain is now little more than, "the kind of Animatronic gimmick you see at Disneyworld".
"Clearly he's still campaigning because it's important to get Sarah Palin into the White House," he said. "There never was any intention that McCain would be kept functioning for very long after the inauguration, what with recurrent melanoma, hyperlipidemia, degenerative joint disease and his well-known problems with recall. If elected, he'd have been the oldest president ever to be sworn in. Clearly, he wasn't meant to last more than a few months, let alone a full term. Now that's he's dead, they'll probably switch him off the day after he enters the Oval Office."
But the subterfuge isn't without its problems, said Souris.
"The software clearly has some kinks to work out. Note how it switches so suddenly from delivering a point in a speech to chuckling inanely. No living human would behave like that."
McCain's incoherence, his inability to answer questions properly and the constant repetition of his war stories all point to bug-riddled programming. "Either the software is still in beta or it's been produced by Microsoft," said Souris.
"However," warns the Doctor. "This doesn't mean that Sarah Palin is also dead just because she has the same problems. Her issues with language, truth and intelligence stem from the breeding program that produced her."
Country goes missing!
To avoid unrest caused by visiting foreigners during the Olympics, China says it has taken the precaution of moving Tibet to an undisclosed location.
The absence of Tibet was first noticed by fans of Google Earth who report that all information about the country, including satellite images and maps, has disappeared.
This was confirmed by reports coming back from tourists who tried to visit the country. "It's weird," said one confused Canadian backpacker. "I mean, it's just gone!"
The Weekly World Inquisitor was unable to contact Tibet's official leaders. But one well-known communist commented: "We're not telling you where we've put it. We've taken enough shit about Tibet. Maybe this will make you shut up."
A spokesgeek for the counter-culture hacking group Reptilinet said: "It can't have been moved far because all the Internet tubes are still connected."
Information obtained via the Reptilinet darknet suggests that residents of the country are furious. "I'm not sure where we are," wrote one covert blogger, "but I know it's cold and I don't have the right clothes with me."
Unconfirmed rumors suggest that the country will be returned after the games are over. "As soon as potentially disruptive elements have left the country, we'll see about putting it back," said one anonymous insider. "Assuming we can remember where we put it."
UPDATE: Tibet is now visible again on Google Earth. However, some activists are claiming that this is not the country itself but a fascimile manufactured by the Chinese Government - possibly a gigantic photograph or silk painting. "If you look closely you can even see the pixels," said one blogger.
Secret Weapon in Presidential Race
Mike Huckabee might still win the Republican nomination for President. Most pundits have written him off, but now some are suggesting the Christian extremist candidate might have a secret weapon that will kill John McCain's campaign.
"Have you noticed how Huckabee hasn't dropped out even though he seems a clear no-hoper?" asked Mac Velli, chief analyst with a highly secretive Washington political PR company which has no name. "It's like he knows something we don't. It's like he knows for certain that McCain won't make it to the Republican convention."
The recent allegations about McCain's relationship with Washington-based lobbyist Vicki Iseman is evidence of a covert campaign that may originate within the Republican party itself. "Who knows how far this might go?" said Velli. "I mean, McCain's not a young guy. If he was to meet his sudden demise ... well, maybe people wouldn't ask too many questions."
Others have pointed to the fact that Mormon candidate Mitt Romney has stopped campaigning but has not officially withdrawn. "He's the anti-Huckabee camp's safety net," said Velli. "But it does mean that if McCain ... um ... meets with an accident, we'll have a choice between two religious nutjobs. Of course, that's often the case with Republicans."
Asked whether Huckabee might be implicated in a secret plot to end McCain's chances, Velli said: "Obviously, it's easy to see why Huckabee would want to see McCain's campaign die. But I guarantee you will never find an evidence trail linking Huckabee to any sudden termination of McCain's presidential hopes."
He added: "All the same, if I were McCain, I'd be worried."
Final AIDS Solution
Presidential failure Mike Huckabee could sweep to victory on his next attempt at the top job. That's the view of some pundits who see Huckabee riding to power on a wave of fundamentalist fervor.
The right-wing zealot is known for his desire to replace the Constitution with laws based on religious texts, much like the Taleban attempted in Afghanistan, but with a much bigger army to back him up. And in implementing biblical law, Huckabee would be able to solve problems that get his ultra-religious supporters hot under the collar — such as AIDS.
Back in 1992, Huckabee wrote, in answer to questions from the Associated Press:
"If the federal government is truly serious about doing something with the AIDS virus, we need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague.
"It is difficult to understand the public policy towards AIDS. It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents."
One Huckabee supporter is ecstatic about this idea. "See what he's saying?" frothed Seth Smoten, a snake handler from South Carolina. "He's saying it's a plague, like in Egypt, like in the Bible. Or maybe like lepers an' shit. You can't have those people walking around among healthy, god-fearin' folk!"
One junior aide for the Huckabee campaign in Dogsbollox, Tennessee believed that Huckabee was hinting at the idea of special camps where AIDS plague carriers could be concentrated away from valuable medical resources. "We should give them somewhere they can die peacefully and quietly," said the aide, "where they won't bother anyone else. Let's face it, all they really need is a bed and a set of pyjamas."
Mike Huckabee was unavailable for comment.
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