President Elect Quits
President Elect Barack Obama has quit his new job, even before taking office.
"I knew this country was in a bad state," he said. "I just had no idea how bad."
A source close to the President Elect said that he was shocked by what he saw when he visited dead duck President George W Bush at the White House.
"It wasn't just the state of the place," he said. "We expected that. The half-empty pizza boxes and beer cans in the Oval Office. The way all the computers in the communications suite were logged into porn sites. It was like a frat house. But nothing that couldn't get cleaned up in a week or so."
What especially perturbed the visitors, said the source, was how nothing seems to have been done around the place for months, maybe years.
"In the Oval Office was one of those toy basketball hoops - you know, the kind that makes a cheering noise when you manage to throw something in it," he claimed. "All around the hoop were balled up pieces of paper that turned out to be CIA, NSA and Pentagon briefings dating back to 2000."
The biggest problem, said the source, is that Bush won't stop being President. "Even though no-one likes him, even though he's acknowledged as the worst President in history, he keeps doing stuff and just making it worse. He gave up long ago trying to fix problems like his wars, drugs, the tanking economy and the ecological crisis. So he's spending his last days like a petulant toddler on PCP. He's putting oil refineries in national parks. He's pardoning murderers. Thanks to Bush, America is already in the shitter and now he's trying to flush it."
According to Obama's retinue, the final straw came when the President Elect was briefed by senior people within the intelligence community, the State Department and the Treasury. "That's when we found out that - bad as we thought it was - Bush and his cronies had still been lying to us. It's so, so much worse."
According to insiders, at the end of the meeting Obama commented: "I love America, but I'm not cleaning that up!"