Cash-strapped space agency NASA has sold the International Space Station (ISS) - to a bunch of aliens!

As part of the deal, NASA gets to continue using the orbiting platform for 13 weeks a year until 2030, under a timeshare agreement.

"Although President Obama's recent budget changes have extended the life of the ISS to 2020, we were still looking at some big bills," said Dr Buzz Ablative, a one-time consultant to NASA. "The Space Station is getting old now, and the whole damn thing needs a new coat of paint. And with this money, we can think about adding some additional modules. A conservatory would be nice."

Neither NASA nor the Government would release details of the deal, or who's bought the ISS except to say that they come from a galaxy far, far away.

"Actually, we're not sure where they're from," said a NASA insider who asked not to be named. "Nor are we entirely sure what they want the ISS for. There was some talk about vacations, but they've already submitted plans for adding something called a BSE. I believe that stands for 'Bovine Storage Extension'."

According to the same source, the agreement between the extraterrestrial entities and NASA comes with a number of conditions. "They want us to widen all the hatches and install softer lighting," he said. "But apparently they don't need sleeping facilities."

There is some concern among US astronauts about the aliens' plan to enlarge the medical module on the ISS to three times its current size. "It seems that they need plenty of room for medical procedures of some kind," said Ablative.

He added: "On another note, they've submitted a request for a full list of the 'probes' that the ISS currently carries. I'm not sure what they mean by that."

There are rumours that NASA may have got an even better deal than they first thought. "The aliens have paid for 39 weeks a year until 2030," says the insider, "but they've hinted that they may not need it after 2012." 

Ablative said that, following the success of this deal, NASA may be looking at selling other assets. "We may still build the Ares rockets, but sell them straight to the aliens," he said. "We'll obviously get more for them if they're unused. And then there's Houston. They can have the whole of Houston."

This knock-down sale of America's space capabilities is coming in for some criticism, but Ablative is bullish.

"It may seem unpatriotic to sell this stuff to aliens," said Ablative, "but if we don't do it, the Russkies sure will. That's what free markets are about."

Following the success of the US Army's 'Jesus rifles', equipped with consecrated gunsights, America's armed forces are now deploying specially blessed ammunition.

"We are doing God's work in Afghanistan," says General Moses Khan. "Now we have God's ammo to aid us."

Defence company Trijicon has sold around 300,000 of its gunsights to the US Army and Marine Corps. The sights have been specially enhanced by having references to the Bible engraved on them, turning M-16s and M-4s into 'Jesus rifles'.

"When one of our righteous boys take aim at a raghead with one of these holy sights, he feels Jesus enter his heart," says Khan, "and that helps him nail the bastard right through the head."

There have been complaints that the biblical references contravene rule that prevent US troops spreading the word of God in Iraq and Afghanisation, which are notoriously Muslim countries.

"Atheist do-gooders back in Washington want us to fail in our true mission of bringing Jesus to these poor people," says Khan. "We're here to show them that our God is bigger than their god, and what better way to do it than by shooting as many of them as we can. If that doesn't get the message across, nothing will."

Nevertheless, as a result of the protests, Trijicon will no longer include the Bible references on future sights. And the company is providing kits to the military to remove them from existing equipment.

"That's like taking away the soldiers' body armor or saying they can't shoot civilians," says Khan. "Our boys have a tough job to do and they need God on their side. That's why I'm glad we now have these Crusader rounds.

The bullets are being supplied by an unamed company in Texas via a private security company, LethalResponse.com, which is supplying 'special services' in Iraq, Afghanistan, and parts of New York.

Like the sights, each bullet is engraved with a reference to the Bible, though some carry the Crusader motto Deus Vult (God wills it) or a famous saying by George W. Bush, such as 'Misunderestimate this!'.

The Pentagon was unavailable for comment as we went to press.

Apple Computers today unveiled its long-awaited iSlave mind control device. Aimed at law enforcement officers, UN stormtroopers and New World Order henchmen, the handheld unit allows users to take over the actions of nearby citizens while also checking email, tweeting and listening to iTunes.

"Initially, it will work only on long-time Apple users," said a company spokesdrone at the launch. "Until the Government gets going with its large-scale brainwashing and chipping program, we'll have to rely on that portion of the population that's used to doing what it's told."

According to the official announcement, the iSlave runs on a 50MHz ARM CPU chip, and uses RFID technology reversed engineered from the alien craft that crashed at Roswell. Apple claims that the 850g device will run for as much as 30 minutes between charges and can control slaves at distances of up to 5 metres.

The iSlave has a 3in touchscreen allowing the use of mouse gestures to gain fast access to commands such as 'run', 'stop' and 'open fire'.

A number of apps have been announced to coincide with the launch.

• SlaveMaster integrates with the Bento database package to allow users to manage groups of slaves. It also links to iCal so that busy henchmen can schedule slave actions in the future, with automatic pop-up alerts and color-coding for different slave types.
• FaceSlave automatically updates each slave's Facebook status with what they're doing, and to whom.
• SlavePod allows slavemasters to download music from the iTunes Music Store direct to the slave's iPod (all slaves have iPods). Apple has signed deals with a number of record companies to provide suitable tracks which, it's believed, contain hidden messages. The first to become available will be James Blunt's new album 'Squeal like a girl' aimed at male mind-control sex slaves.
• SlaveWave uses Google Wave to co-ordinate actions between slavemasters, as well as letting them share digital photos of what their slaves are up to (not available in China).
• SlaveWall automatically 'terminates' slaves who try to go beyond the range of the iSlave (available only in China).

Some firms have complained that the apps they submitted for the iSlave have been rejected by Apple. Most of those companies have since disappeared.

One app, HappyClappyApple, which makes owners of Apple products buy everything the company produces, was initially approved but was later withdrawn by the company as being "redundant". 

Apple also used the launch event to announce its new iPad tablet computer. Every journalist attending the event bought one.

The Boy Scouts of America are to become an armed militia known as the 'Obama Youth', says a Washington insider. They will trade in their knee socks and neckerchiefs for assault rifles and body armor as they join the wars on terror, illegal immigration and atheism.

Selected Boy Scouts, and taller members of the Cub Scouts, will receive training in counter-insurgency operations, drug raids, border patrols, how to report suspicious people to the authorities, and how to tie very tight knots.

Each will also receive a new 'Field Guide to Un-Americans' to help them identify potential terrorists, immigrants and pagans.

"These children have as much of a right as anyone to die for their country," says Rev. Jimmy Samson, who hopes to be appointed as Pack Leader General of the new militia. "And in this time of war, it's my mission to see that comes to pass."

Samson says he has already trained a number of scouts in the techniques of unarmed combat and intimate body searches. And a few members of America's largest paramilitary organization have received training in combat techniques, according to the New York Times.

According to Samson, the new organization will be open to Christians of all kinds.* "Faith is an essential part of our ability to fight terrorism and other social ills," he says. "That's why the Boy Scouts movement around the world has always been a religious organisation, proudly fighting atheists, agnostics, Wiccans and heathens of all kinds. It has been an army for God. Now it will be an army for America. With real guns."

The exclusion of Muslims, Hindus and members of other faiths has caused some disappointment. "There are 14 year-old boys of all faiths who like to shoot guns," says Samson, "but we have to draw the line somewhere."

This change has been a long time coming, says Samson. "Somehow, the Boy Scouts got sidetracked from their military destiny," he says. "They got into all that do-gooding, namby-pamby stuff. But just look at the uniform. You don't put on a uniform like that and not want to pick up a gun."

Samson is a former preacher in the Church of the Delectable Body of Christ. He stepped down from the ministry following a hate campaign against him in the liberal press in which numerous unproven allegations were made. No charges were ever brought and the young men involved subsequently withdrew their complaints and were issued Green Cards. Shortly after, he was appointed as a consultant to the White House's Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships, with special responsibility for youth combat programs.

The formation of the new Youth Brigades is being supported in part by funds from the White House.

"That money will at least pay for the weapons and most of the ammo," says Samson. "The rest of the funding is coming from concerned citizens. That is, concerned citizens with lots of money. In return, each Brigade will have its own uniform carrying corporate branding and sponsor's messages."

Samson says he expects the first fully operational brigade to be the Arkansas Hello Kitty SWAT Battalion.

* Quakers, Unitarians and Mormons do not qualify.
 

The UK has raised its terror threat alert to the second-highest level - 'Bothersome'. According to a spokesman from the Home Office: "Intelligence sources have indicated that there is quite a high likelihood that certain ne'er-do-wells are in a rather agitated state and may be up to something."

He added: "We're not saying that they're actually going to do anything. Nor are we saying who they are or where they are. We just thought people ought to know that we're somewhat alarmed."

Asked what citizens should do about this, he replied: "Do? What do you mean do?" 

The UK has a different set of threat levels to the familiar color-coding used in the US. The British threat levels are:

Niggling: The security services have a nasty feeling about something but citizens should not concern themselves unduly.

Vexing: The Government knows that someone is planning something but can't quite put their finger on it. Citizens should not approach unattended packages and should immediately report any untoward behavior to the nearest constable.

Worrisome: The security services know that something is definitely going on. If you have any information, you should pass it on. In the meantime, please be careful not to say or do anything suspicious because it just confuses the situation and makes more work for MI5.

Bothersome: The Government isn't saying that an attack is about to happen, but all government ministers and civil servants have decided to stay at home with a nice cup of tea. If you are a member of certain religious or political groups, a policeman will be around shortly to have a nice chat. It would be unwise of anyone of a non-British appearance to travel on the Tube.

Awful: It's really rather likely that something ghastly will happen. We're terribly sorry.

When asked if people should be worried about the raising of the threat level, the Home Office spokesman said: "People should always be worried."