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CIA joins in #occupy demonstrations

Cash-strapped spy agency says capitalism ain't what it used to be

CIA agents have joined protests in major centers of capitalism around the world. But instead of spying on the protestors, they're complaining as loudly as anyone.

Inspired by the Occupy Wall Street movement, people have taken to the streets in many major cities, including London and Rome. Most of the demonstrators are made up of anarchists, the unemployed and teenagers who've just discovered politics.

But it turns out they're not the only ones angry with the real world.

"Capitalism has gone all to hell," said one veteran CIA operative in a Guy Fawkes mask who works out of the London office. "We used to have a great time fighting commies - all the guns, helicopters and money we wanted. Now all you hear is that there's no cash. Budget cutbacks. Guys being laid off. But the money's out there somewhere, so who's got it?"

In spite of billions of dollars being appropriated for fighting terrorism after 9/11, most of it is going into the pockets of private contractors, said the CIA spook.

"Took me four weeks to requisition the funds to buy a hooker for a honeytrap," he said. "And another two weeks to get the bullets to terminate the target once we'd trapped him.

"But," he added, "my department spent $2 billion on a 'Terrorist Detector' app for our iPhones from some company in Tel Aviv. Turned out it was just a rebadged version of Foursquare."

At the same time, spooks are suffering like anyone else.

"I can't get a mortgage," he said, "on account of being a 'bad risk' or something. I'm supposed to be the one who says who's a bad risk.

"Meanwhile, cost of living's going up. Have you seen the price of Kevlar clothing?"

The CIA agent said he'd recognised a number of colleagues in the crowd around St Paul's Cathedral. "That's fella's NSA," he said. "Coupla FBI guys here, too. Guess they're all PO'd."

Asked if he thinks this is the start of a worldwide revolution, the CIA agent said: "Oh God I hope so. Things might be back to normal then."

 

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