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Spooks Moan!!

CIA joins in #occupy demonstrations

Cash-strapped spy agency says capitalism ain't what it used to be

CIA agents have joined protests in major centers of capitalism around the world. But instead of spying on the protestors, they're complaining as loudly as anyone.

Inspired by the Occupy Wall Street movement, people have taken to the streets in many major cities, including London and Rome. Most of the demonstrators are made up of anarchists, the unemployed and teenagers who've just discovered politics.

But it turns out they're not the only ones angry with the real world.

"Capitalism has gone all to hell," said one veteran CIA operative in a Guy Fawkes mask who works out of the London office. "We used to have a great time fighting commies - all the guns, helicopters and money we wanted. Now all you hear is that there's no cash. Budget cutbacks. Guys being laid off. But the money's out there somewhere, so who's got it?"

In spite of billions of dollars being appropriated for fighting terrorism after 9/11, most of it is going into the pockets of private contractors, said the CIA spook.

"Took me four weeks to requisition the funds to buy a hooker for a honeytrap," he said. "And another two weeks to get the bullets to terminate the target once we'd trapped him.

"But," he added, "my department spent $2 billion on a 'Terrorist Detector' app for our iPhones from some company in Tel Aviv. Turned out it was just a rebadged version of Foursquare."

At the same time, spooks are suffering like anyone else.

"I can't get a mortgage," he said, "on account of being a 'bad risk' or something. I'm supposed to be the one who says who's a bad risk.

"Meanwhile, cost of living's going up. Have you seen the price of Kevlar clothing?"

The CIA agent said he'd recognised a number of colleagues in the crowd around St Paul's Cathedral. "That's fella's NSA," he said. "Coupla FBI guys here, too. Guess they're all PO'd."

Asked if he thinks this is the start of a worldwide revolution, the CIA agent said: "Oh God I hope so. Things might be back to normal then."

 

Mind Control Rays

Government bans tin-foil beanies

Metal headwear not fair on mind-control spooks, say Feds

Aluminum Foil Deflector BeanieResponding to pressure from the CIA and NSA, the US Government has banned aluminum headgear, metal underwear and other devices designed to interfere with mind-control rays.

"This kind of clothing is unpatriotic," said a White House spokesman. "America's intelligence agencies are fighting a ceaseless battle against the forces of terrorism, paranoia, alien abduction and civil liberties. Mind control is an essential weapon in our fight to keep the US safe from unconventional and non-conformist elements in society. The agencies rely on mind-control rays to preserve our freedom, and we have to let these guys do their jobs."

He added: "It's also unfair. The Government has invested billions in the MKULTRA program, developing some of the most sophisticated technology known to man. And these antisocial elements are defeating it with two dollars' worth of Bacofoil."

Congress was prompted to outlaw the possession or manufacture of anti-mind-control devices and garments when it was revealed that increasingly large numbers of people were failing to take the Government seriously.

"Clearly our message isn't getting through," said Senator Julius Fouine, chair of the Congressional Committee on Democratic Conformance. "Congress, the intelligence agencies, the armed forces - we can't make the US the country it's supposed to be all by ourselves. We need everyone on board and on message. We have the technologies to achieve this, to ensure that people think the right way, but we have to deal with that small portion of the population - traitors, I'd call them - who have the strange and unAmerican delusion that they can think any way they like."

Not everyone is happy about the ruling. 

Jezebel X, a self-confessed mind control sex-slave, who claims to have been the unwilling plaything of George W Bush, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, the last three Popes, and OJ Simpson, said: "A tin-foil hat is the only way I can get any rest. If I couldn't block the rays from time to time, I'd be worn out within a week." Asked why she didn't wear the aluminum hat all the time, she replied: "A job's a job."

There are rumours of activity by a shadowy group known as the Beanie Resistance Army (BRA) - an uneasy coalition of geeks, conspiracy theorists and ex-postal workers, according to one anonymous source. "There's a growing underground network of freedom fighters dedicated to distributing beanie-making materials to insurgents across the country," he said.

Recent raids by FBI agents have uncovered BRA safe houses where they discovered instructions for building tin-foil beanies and aluminum long-johns. They also unearthed several copies of the covert movement's 'bible', the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie, a book that allegedly provides full details of how to make anti-mind-control devices from nothing more than household materials.

However, according to experts, the law concerns only metal-based garments and will affect just a handful of people. "It's a good job they exempted propeller beanies," commented a spokesgeek from Slashdot, "otherwise the internet woulda ground to a halt."

[Photo courtesy Zapato Productions Intradimensional]

 

Spying on the Interwebs

CIA and NSA sue Facebook

Spook agencies claim "we invented this, we want the money". But will Bush replace the NSA with Facebook?

NSA is suing Facebook The National Security Agency (NSA) and the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) are to sue Facebook, according to rumors currently circulating in Washington and Virginia. But they may be in for a shock. Sources close to the White House say that President George W Bush is considering closing the super-spook agency and making cut-backs in the CIA budget.

"Why do we need expensive organizations like the NSA and CIA to spy on US citizens when we can just use Facebook and MySpace?" said one White House insider.

Leaks from the NSA suggest that it feels Facebook is trespassing on its turf. "We invented this shit," said one whistleblower. "The whole thing about spying on people and building up profiles? We started that. Hell, even the word 'profile' is ours. So we're going to nail their asses for infringement of our intellectual property. And besides, these days we could do with the money."

But in a shock response, some in the intelligence community are suggesting that the NSA and CIA are no longer pulling their weight. One congressman, with links to defense committees, said: "In this modern, connected world, do we really need these old-fashioned organizations? The interweb pipes already contain more data than these agencies can collect. These days, if I want information on, well, anything, I don't bother with government sources. I just ask my nine year-old daughter to use the Google."

Defense contractors, including Lockheed Martin and General Dynamics, already exploit publicly accessible web sources as part of their homeland defense, trusted traveler and border security systems. These use data mining techniques, scouring personal websites, blogs, social networking sites and internet forums. The systems build profiles on people who are suspected, or might be suspected, or might have met someone who is suspected of being a terrorist, a drug baron, an activist or who is in some other way 'special'.

"The amount of data we can build about people is incredible," said one unattributable source. "Take photos. Some people are worried that the federal government is building a database of driver's license and passport photos. But why would we bother? All we need to do is scrape Facebook, MySpace and Flickr. That way, we gets lots of pictures of you, with different expressions, different lighting conditions, different angles. And you kindly label the pictures for us — not just yourself but all your known associates. And you tell us where and when the pictures were taken. That's really cool. These days, we don't bother following people, we just check out their Flickr albums."

The same source said that users' 'friends' lists are also invaluable. "Do you have any idea how much work it takes to build a list of known associates? It can take weeks, years. With Facebook and MySpace, it's all right there. And the really bad guys don't even have to have Facebook accounts. We just need to find one of their friends, associates or contacts who does and bingo! We have the whole network right there. I mean, if you've come into contact with a terrorist, or someone who's met a terrorist, or anyone else we deem untrustworthy, then that's reasonable cause for suspicion, right? I mean, you'd want us watching someone like you, right?"

The NSA was unavailable for comment.

 

Fessin' Up

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed confesses to killing Kennedy

"I was on that grassy knoll," says captured Al Qaeda boss

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, said by US authorities to be the no.3 man in Al-Qaeda, has confessed to shooting President John F Kennedy in 1963.

A transcript of his top-secret tribunal at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, at which the terrorist top-dog also admitted to planning the 9/11 operation and personally beheading US journalist Daniel Pearl, quotes him as saying: "Yeah, why not, I did Kennedy. I was working for a cartel of Texan businessmen, the CIA, the FBI, an organization of anti-Castro Cuban exiles and a secret, underground network of conspiracy book publishers."

The transcript was released by the Pentagon, which is responsible for the Gitmo tribunals at which 'defendants' are not allowed legal representation or witnesses.

The 1,952-page document also reveals Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's key role in the Bali nightclub bombings and attempts at shoe bombings, attacks on airports and plans to kill former US presidents Carter and Clinton.

He added: "I offed Marilyn Monroe, too. Jimmy Hoffa, that was me. I got Jimi Hendrix hooked on drugs. And MySpace was my idea."

He concluded: "I also take full responsibility for the US decision to invade Iraq: it was my fault and no-one else's."

 

Pardon?

Bush pardons 'Scooter' Libby

President George W Bush accidentally offers a full pardon to 'Scooter' Libby; also announces victory in Iraq War

In a press statement, dated Nov 1, 2008 but distributed today, US President George W Bush has issued a full pardon to I Lewis 'Scooter' Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney.

Libby was found guilty, in early March 2007, of perjury (two counts), making false statements and obstruction of justice after he lied about his role in the revealing of an undercover CIA agent, Valerie Plame.

Today's statement was emailed to newspapers, TV news networks and news agencies as a Microsoft Word document. It is now believed that this was, in fact, merely an unapproved early version — edited by White House staffers having been originally drafted by the President himself. It was due to be released at the end of Mr Bush's presidency.

When questioned by the Weekly World Inquisitor as to why the statement was being prepared now, the chief of press relations at the White House said, "Who did you say you were?" Later, we spoke to an intern who explained that approvals for presidential statements can be a lengthy process and that, "we wanted to make sure we didn't forget."

The statement says, in part, (and with 'track changes' enabled):

I believe good ol' Scooter Mr Libby was acting in the best interests of us good guys the United States when he nailed that bastard's wife made statements that were, as he understood it at the time, gonna get 'em good truthful.

In this time of peace, now that Iraq has been bombed into the stone age brought to peaceful democracy and at last the oil is flowing people are free, it seems cotton pickin' stoopid unreasonable to punish a man who was only dumber'n a hatful of assholes serving his country.

The White House press office has asked that the statements be returned and, in the words of one staffer, "it'd be better just to forget the whole thing, if you know what's good for you."

Mr Libby was unavailable for comment.

 

Saddam lookalikes must hang too

Iraqi Government fears it might have offed the wrong guy

Bush calls for arrest of entire CIA

US President follows Italians' lead - blames everything on Langley's super-spooks