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President not a Muslim!!
White House releases President Obama's real birth certificate - but there's a big disappointment for some Birthers
Following intense pressure from Donald Trump and Usenet activists, the White House has finally released a copy of President Barack Obama's long-form birth certificate.
And he's Chinese!
"We wanted to shut up these Birther idiots once and for all," said a White House spokesman, "so we spent all Easter weekend looking for the damn thing. We finally found it stuffed in an envelope with some old utility bills, three tickets to an Emerson, Lake & Palmer concert and seven AOL CDs."
The certificate appears to show Obama's birthplace as Honolulu. However, advanced image analysis by the Carpenter Foundation for American National Purity reveals that the document was recently altered.
"Clearly this is a cover-up of epic proportions," said William Carpenter, founder of the Foundation. "We haven't seen a whitewash of these dimensions since the Nixon days. Except for Clinton. And Bush. And the other Bush."
It's believed that the Carpenter Foundation was hired by Trump to examine the document.
"Trump wanted to prove, once and for all, that Obama is a Muslim," said Carpenter. "This is a huge disappointment for him."
Careful image manipulation showed that Obama's place of birth was not, in fact, Hawaii but the town of Honororo, in the Heilongjiang province of China.
"Although it shows he's not an American, Trump has to be careful not to upset the Chinese," said NewWorldDisorder, a Usenet researcher and aluminum foil salesman. "Hell, no-one wants to upset the Chinese - they own half our damn country."
Trump has now told Yahoo! News that he simply want to "move on" with what remains of his life.
Extremists Kill New President
Right-wing extremists shoot the most powerful man in the world the day after his inauguration
Just one day after taking office, Kalonzo Obama, President of the Lake Naivasha Beekeeping Society, has been assassinated by bandits during what some claim to have been a botched robbery of the Kenyan Imperial Honey Emporium.
Sources in the nation's capital, Nairobi, say that extremist factions within the beekeeping community had vowed they would never allow Obama to become leader of what is viewed as Kenya's leading beekeeping society.
"This election made him the most powerful man in the world of honey," said one anonymous apiculturist. "But certain right-wing groups, some with links to major industrial honey, preserves and condiment corporations, couldn't accept him as their president."
According to the police, a group of burglars were stealing pots of honey and honey-based snacks from the Emporium's gift shop - the Hive House - when they were surprised by Obama, who had remained there overnight having become tired and emotional from his inauguration earlier in the day. The robbers shot Obama dead before making off with their loot.
"It was just a robbery that went wrong," said an official police statement.
But insiders point to militia groups aligned to powerful commercial interests.
"Obama believed in change," said one. "He wanted to give power back to individual beekeepers. He wanted to end the war between rival hives. And he wanted a more responsible approach to the environment - you know, for bees. They weren't going to let that happen. These people are nothing better than terrorists."
There has been a conspiracy to prevent Obama taking office, he added. And what drove the conspiracy was racism.
"Obama was the champion of the European dark bee," said the insider. "But these shady groups want to maintain the supremacy of the Carniolan honey bee. As far as they're concerned, the only good dark bee is a dead dark bee."
Obama, who is believed to be no relation whatsoever to US President Barack Obama (pictured above) was inaugurated as President on the same day his namesake took office in Washington.
President Elect Quits
President Elect quits even before taking office, claiming he was duped over the state of the nation
President Elect Barack Obama has quit his new job, even before taking office.
"I knew this country was in a bad state," he said. "I just had no idea how bad."
A source close to the President Elect said that he was shocked by what he saw when he visited dead duck President George W Bush at the White House.
"It wasn't just the state of the place," he said. "We expected that. The half-empty pizza boxes and beer cans in the Oval Office. The way all the computers in the communications suite were logged into porn sites. It was like a frat house. But nothing that couldn't get cleaned up in a week or so."
What especially perturbed the visitors, said the source, was how nothing seems to have been done around the place for months, maybe years.
"In the Oval Office was one of those toy basketball hoops - you know, the kind that makes a cheering noise when you manage to throw something in it," he claimed. "All around the hoop were balled up pieces of paper that turned out to be CIA, NSA and Pentagon briefings dating back to 2000."
The biggest problem, said the source, is that Bush won't stop being President. "Even though no-one likes him, even though he's acknowledged as the worst President in history, he keeps doing stuff and just making it worse. He gave up long ago trying to fix problems like his wars, drugs, the tanking economy and the ecological crisis. So he's spending his last days like a petulant toddler on PCP. He's putting oil refineries in national parks. He's pardoning murderers. Thanks to Bush, America is already in the shitter and now he's trying to flush it."
According to Obama's retinue, the final straw came when the President Elect was briefed by senior people within the intelligence community, the State Department and the Treasury. "That's when we found out that - bad as we thought it was - Bush and his cronies had still been lying to us. It's so, so much worse."
According to insiders, at the end of the meeting Obama commented: "I love America, but I'm not cleaning that up!"