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President Elect Quits
President Elect quits even before taking office, claiming he was duped over the state of the nation
President Elect Barack Obama has quit his new job, even before taking office.
"I knew this country was in a bad state," he said. "I just had no idea how bad."
A source close to the President Elect said that he was shocked by what he saw when he visited dead duck President George W Bush at the White House.
"It wasn't just the state of the place," he said. "We expected that. The half-empty pizza boxes and beer cans in the Oval Office. The way all the computers in the communications suite were logged into porn sites. It was like a frat house. But nothing that couldn't get cleaned up in a week or so."
What especially perturbed the visitors, said the source, was how nothing seems to have been done around the place for months, maybe years.
"In the Oval Office was one of those toy basketball hoops - you know, the kind that makes a cheering noise when you manage to throw something in it," he claimed. "All around the hoop were balled up pieces of paper that turned out to be CIA, NSA and Pentagon briefings dating back to 2000."
The biggest problem, said the source, is that Bush won't stop being President. "Even though no-one likes him, even though he's acknowledged as the worst President in history, he keeps doing stuff and just making it worse. He gave up long ago trying to fix problems like his wars, drugs, the tanking economy and the ecological crisis. So he's spending his last days like a petulant toddler on PCP. He's putting oil refineries in national parks. He's pardoning murderers. Thanks to Bush, America is already in the shitter and now he's trying to flush it."
According to Obama's retinue, the final straw came when the President Elect was briefed by senior people within the intelligence community, the State Department and the Treasury. "That's when we found out that - bad as we thought it was - Bush and his cronies had still been lying to us. It's so, so much worse."
According to insiders, at the end of the meeting Obama commented: "I love America, but I'm not cleaning that up!"
Final AIDS Solution
Loser in presidential race sets extremist agenda for next attempt
Presidential failure Mike Huckabee could sweep to victory on his next attempt at the top job. That's the view of some pundits who see Huckabee riding to power on a wave of fundamentalist fervor.
The right-wing zealot is known for his desire to replace the Constitution with laws based on religious texts, much like the Taleban attempted in Afghanistan, but with a much bigger army to back him up. And in implementing biblical law, Huckabee would be able to solve problems that get his ultra-religious supporters hot under the collar — such as AIDS.
Back in 1992, Huckabee wrote, in answer to questions from the Associated Press:
"If the federal government is truly serious about doing something with the AIDS virus, we need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague.
"It is difficult to understand the public policy towards AIDS. It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents."
One Huckabee supporter is ecstatic about this idea. "See what he's saying?" frothed Seth Smoten, a snake handler from South Carolina. "He's saying it's a plague, like in Egypt, like in the Bible. Or maybe like lepers an' shit. You can't have those people walking around among healthy, god-fearin' folk!"
One junior aide for the Huckabee campaign in Dogsbollox, Tennessee believed that Huckabee was hinting at the idea of special camps where AIDS plague carriers could be concentrated away from valuable medical resources. "We should give them somewhere they can die peacefully and quietly," said the aide, "where they won't bother anyone else. Let's face it, all they really need is a bed and a set of pyjamas."
Mike Huckabee was unavailable for comment.
Not So Merry Christmas
Was it Government agents that killed him? Conspiracy of silence surrounds jolly fat man's demise
Santa is dead, say unconfirmed reports coming from Greenland. And it wasn't old age or heart disease that nailed the jolly old fat man, they say — it was a botched raid by the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF).
Early rumors of a mid-air collision with US Air Force jets over Afghanistan were quickly scotched. "What in hell's name would Santa be doing in Afghanistan," said one Air Force general. "That's pagan country."
Official sources close to the North Pole have hinted at complications from a "chimney-related injury" sustained during the last holiday season. He was also known to have sustained a number of wounds, mostly from 9mm rounds, when he ill-advisedly called out his trademark "Ho-Ho-Ho" in Harlem, two years ago.
However, some commentators have noted the public involvement of Customs and Coast Guard officers in the investigation into Santa's demise.
"This is a guy who flies through national airspace and across borders without ever being stopped or searched," said one. "And he's carrying large numbers of packages in his vehicle. It's possible there's a drugs angle to this and I wouldn't be surprised to find some kinda Colombian connection."
A Greenland-based journalist says he had evidence of a massive, combined DEA and ATF operation in that country just a few days ago. "My sources say the agencies, supported by both of Greenland's police officers, hit a covert base way to the north," he said. When asked if this could have been at the North Pole, he added: "It's possible."
Noting the involvement of the ATF, he went on to point out that cigarettes, cigars and booze are among the most common Christmas gifts, "Though we have no reason to suppose Santa was carrying weapons of any kind."
A White House spokesman refused to comment on the rumors of Santa's death, but did issue a statement that: "Federal agencies have recently been engaged in a surge of operations aimed at non-sanctioned groups involved in cross-border delivery operations."
He added: "Parents should make contingency plans in the event of the non-arrival of gifts. Happy holidays."
Spying on the Interwebs
Spook agencies claim "we invented this, we want the money". But will Bush replace the NSA with Facebook?
The National Security Agency (NSA) and the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) are to sue Facebook, according to rumors currently circulating in Washington and Virginia. But they may be in for a shock. Sources close to the White House say that President George W Bush is considering closing the super-spook agency and making cut-backs in the CIA budget.
"Why do we need expensive organizations like the NSA and CIA to spy on US citizens when we can just use Facebook and MySpace?" said one White House insider.
Leaks from the NSA suggest that it feels Facebook is trespassing on its turf. "We invented this shit," said one whistleblower. "The whole thing about spying on people and building up profiles? We started that. Hell, even the word 'profile' is ours. So we're going to nail their asses for infringement of our intellectual property. And besides, these days we could do with the money."
But in a shock response, some in the intelligence community are suggesting that the NSA and CIA are no longer pulling their weight. One congressman, with links to defense committees, said: "In this modern, connected world, do we really need these old-fashioned organizations? The interweb pipes already contain more data than these agencies can collect. These days, if I want information on, well, anything, I don't bother with government sources. I just ask my nine year-old daughter to use the Google."
Defense contractors, including Lockheed Martin and General Dynamics, already exploit publicly accessible web sources as part of their homeland defense, trusted traveler and border security systems. These use data mining techniques, scouring personal websites, blogs, social networking sites and internet forums. The systems build profiles on people who are suspected, or might be suspected, or might have met someone who is suspected of being a terrorist, a drug baron, an activist or who is in some other way 'special'.
"The amount of data we can build about people is incredible," said one unattributable source. "Take photos. Some people are worried that the federal government is building a database of driver's license and passport photos. But why would we bother? All we need to do is scrape Facebook, MySpace and Flickr. That way, we gets lots of pictures of you, with different expressions, different lighting conditions, different angles. And you kindly label the pictures for us — not just yourself but all your known associates. And you tell us where and when the pictures were taken. That's really cool. These days, we don't bother following people, we just check out their Flickr albums."
The same source said that users' 'friends' lists are also invaluable. "Do you have any idea how much work it takes to build a list of known associates? It can take weeks, years. With Facebook and MySpace, it's all right there. And the really bad guys don't even have to have Facebook accounts. We just need to find one of their friends, associates or contacts who does and bingo! We have the whole network right there. I mean, if you've come into contact with a terrorist, or someone who's met a terrorist, or anyone else we deem untrustworthy, then that's reasonable cause for suspicion, right? I mean, you'd want us watching someone like you, right?"
The NSA was unavailable for comment.
Terror group puts weight behind Republican candidate
The world's leading terrorist organization is giving its support to Rudy Giuliani in the next US presidential race. According to sources close to Al Qaeda, only Giuliani can ensure the long-term success of both the US military and its partners, such as Islamic terror groups.
"We need a Republican in the White House," said an Al Qaeda spokesman. "Republicans are willing to use the US military in the aggressive way we need to support our cause and aid recruitment. Let's face it, Islamic terror wouldn't be where it is today if it wasn't for George W Bush alienating muslims everywhere."
Although Giuliani has yet to win the Republican nomination, the spokesman said that his group would do everything in its power to support him. "Democrats don't seem to have the guts it takes to send US troops to get slaughtered overseas," he added. "And as for the rest of the Republican candidates, well who are they? What's needed is someone with personality and a high profile who can stir up resentment and hatred against the US worldwide while remaining popular at home. That's where Bush failed."
The organization would not release details of how it would support Giuliani and denied that it has made any financial contributions, although it's believed that it still has some old CIA funds left over from their time working together in Afghanistan.
A statement issued by Al Qaeda through its Atlanta-based PR company said: "For the past eight years, our organization has fully supported the Republican party's successful strategy of raising public levels of threat awareness, the wholesale exchange of so-called personal liberties for the more enduring and profitable apparatus of state control. It's important to have a global environment with high levels of perceived peril in order to provide a free and healthy market for defense contractors, network news channels and terror organizations such as our own."
Mr Giuliani was not available for comment.
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