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Doom Denied

Apocalypse cancelled: archeologists discover new Mayan calendar

"This one's mainly pictures of cats," says surprised egghead.

Mayan calendar

Conspiracy theorists looking forward to the destruction of the Earth by the planet Nibiru on Dec 21, 2012 may be in for a big disappointment, say scientists digging in the forests of Guatemala.

Archeologists have uncovered a new Mayan calendar that begins on Dec 22 and runs for another 5,125 years.

"This one's mainly pictures of cats," said William H Carpenter of the Carpenter Foundation for Armageddon Studies. "This suggests the Mayans were moving in a more commercial direction before being wiped out."

Labelled 'Furry Felines and the 14th Ba'k'tun', the calendar was unearthed in the remains of what some archeologists believe may have been a Mayan gift shop built for tourists.

Whatever the origins of the calendar, its existence suggests that we may see another New Year after all. 

Arguments recently broke out between para-scientists about how the world will meet its fate. Speaking at the Which End Is Nigh? conference, hosted by the Carpenter Foundation near Reno, Nevada, Damien Onan, who holds the Chair of Homeopathic History at the University of Smethwick, courted controversy by claiming that it doesn't matter which catastrophe will hit us.

"With Homeopathic History," he said, "we have learned that the greatest purity of truth is achieved by repeatedly diluting facts until all trace of them has gone.

"What you're left with," he added, "is something that retains the memory of the real truth. It therefore doesn't matter that Mayan calendars do not continue past 2012 just because there are no Mayans around to create them. Nor is it relevant that there is zero evidence for the existence of Nibiru beyond some dubious connections to Babylonian texts."

He also discounted the idea of the Earth's destruction by the black hole at the center of our galaxy. "Scientists have actually proved that black holes exist," he said, "and that there's a high likelihood of there being one holding our galaxy together. Such a weight of evidence makes this an untenable scenario in a homeopathic context."

He concluded: "The important thing is that we have an unshakeable belief that the world is about to end, and that's worth far more than any amount of so-called data. I'm certainly not buying any Christmas presents." 

Following the discovery of the new Mayan calendar, Mr Onan has been unavailable for comment, but his office commented that he was, "out shopping". 

End of the World is Nigh!

NASA predicts end of world!!

Asteroid will end life on the planet on Friday the 13th in 2029, says space agency

Asteroid ApophisThe world will end on Friday the 13th April 2029, says NASA. A huge asteroid will crash into our planet, destroying all forms of life and turning the Earth into a desolate, lifeless galactic wilderness.

According to NASA, there's now a one-in-250,000 chance that the asteroid Apophis will hit the Earth during a 2038 fly-by.

"That's about 160 times more likely than winning the lottery," says apocalypse specialist Dr Willam H Carpenter, "and people win lotteries every day."

But that's not all. Apophis will also swing by nine years earlier, in 2029, when on current estimates it will get as close as 18,300 miles.

"That's 4,000 miles closer than the geosynchronous satellites on which our global communications depend," explains Carpenter. "The asteroid will actually have to pass through the orbits of man-made spacecraft. In astronomical terms, 18,300 miles is a hair's breadth."

And it gets worse.

"The real problem is that these estimates are all based on Government-supplied data," says Carpenter. "When was the last time you believed in Government figures? They only have to be out by a fraction and we're all toast."

The problem, he says, is that Apophis was only recently discovered. According to NASA, the asteroid was first identified in 2004. Since then, the space agency has constantly revised the odds of the celestial body impacting the Earth and destroying us all.

"The truth is, we just don't have enough data to guarantee that we'll survive these close encounters," says Carpenter. "That means we almost certainly won't."

It all adds up to Doomsday, he reckons. The surface of the Earth will be reduced to ash and life will become extinct.

"Using the NASA predictions, and applying standard Government margins of error, I confidently predict that Life on Earth will end in 2029," says Carpenter. "If not, it'll be 2038. That's assuming we haven't all been killed in the apocalypse of 2012."



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