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President not a Muslim!!
White House releases President Obama's real birth certificate - but there's a big disappointment for some Birthers
Following intense pressure from Donald Trump and Usenet activists, the White House has finally released a copy of President Barack Obama's long-form birth certificate.
And he's Chinese!
"We wanted to shut up these Birther idiots once and for all," said a White House spokesman, "so we spent all Easter weekend looking for the damn thing. We finally found it stuffed in an envelope with some old utility bills, three tickets to an Emerson, Lake & Palmer concert and seven AOL CDs."
The certificate appears to show Obama's birthplace as Honolulu. However, advanced image analysis by the Carpenter Foundation for American National Purity reveals that the document was recently altered.
"Clearly this is a cover-up of epic proportions," said William Carpenter, founder of the Foundation. "We haven't seen a whitewash of these dimensions since the Nixon days. Except for Clinton. And Bush. And the other Bush."
It's believed that the Carpenter Foundation was hired by Trump to examine the document.
"Trump wanted to prove, once and for all, that Obama is a Muslim," said Carpenter. "This is a huge disappointment for him."
Careful image manipulation showed that Obama's place of birth was not, in fact, Hawaii but the town of Honororo, in the Heilongjiang province of China.
"Although it shows he's not an American, Trump has to be careful not to upset the Chinese," said NewWorldDisorder, a Usenet researcher and aluminum foil salesman. "Hell, no-one wants to upset the Chinese - they own half our damn country."
Trump has now told Yahoo! News that he simply want to "move on" with what remains of his life.
Black hole eats Moon
Top secret space agency experiments go horribly wrong
The Moon is shrinking and by 2012 it will have vanished completely, warn astrophysics conspiracy experts. And it's all the fault of top secret NASA experiments that have gone badly wrong.
Whistleblower organization NASAConspiracyWatch has obtained images under a Freedom of Information request that clearly show wrinkles forming on the lunar surface - some of them very recent.
"It's possible that the Moon's diameter has decreased by as much as 300ft since we started taking measurements," says William H Carpenter, head of the Carpenter Foundation for Belief in Science. "After we broke the story, NASA has started trying to add its own spin, calling the shrinkage natural and ancient. It's anything but."
So-called 'lobate scarps', photographed by NASA's spy satellite, the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO), are giant wrinkles formed as the Moon's core shrinks and the surface contracts. The fact that some of these run through young craters prove that the shrinkage is recent.
"There can only be one explanation," says Carpenter. "Or maybe two."
He points to lunar bombing raids carried out by the US Air Force under the guise of NASA missions. "These were intended to destroy underground alien bases," says Carpenter, "but there has almost certainly been some collateral damage. It's possible that the Moon's crust has been compromised allowing the escape of gases and, you know, other stuff. Now the Moon is collapsing like a punctured balloon."
However, Carpenter says a more probable explanation is that the disappearing Moon is the result of a scientific experiment that went badly wrong. What's more, the scientists were warned this could happen.
"We're all familiar with the controversy over the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), which is purported to be buried under Switzerland," says Carpenter. "Scientists knew that attempts to create the Higgs boson with such large energies would lead to the creation of a black hole. Well, now that's happened."
Carpenter points out that scientists at CERN in Switzerland have so far failed to produce any data, or even get their collider up to full power.
"The reason is simple," says Carpenter. "The LHC isn't there. It's on the Moon."
A secret international cabal of scientists have colluded with NASA to move the LHC to the recently discovered Mare Ingenii moon cave (pictured right). "The only thing buried under Switzerland is Nazi gold," says Carpenter.
"They've powered up the LHC, smashed those atoms and created the first artificial black hole," Carpenter adds. "And now it's eating the Moon. The problem is, once it's finished with the Moon, we're next."
Iron makes you readable and writeable!!
Iron is being added to our breakfast cereal so that human bodies can be used as data recording - and tracking - devices, claims scientist
Forget about ID cards, biometric passports and RFID chips in your underwear. The latest Government conspiracy - part of a massive surveillance and tracking program - is breakfast cereal.
"Look on any pack of cereal and see what it says about iron," says William H Carpenter, head of 'Patriots Against Cereals', a campaign group run by the Carpenter Government Conspiracy Foundation. "Now ask yourself, what the hell is iron doing in a breakfast food?"
According to nutritionists, and even actual scientists, additional iron in our food has no health benefits. But many so-called health foods and nearly all cereals have iron added to them. Why? Well, Carpenter says the build-up of iron in our bodies does have one serious side-effect.
"It means that data can be recorded in your body tissue using specially adapted magnetic recording devices," he explains. "In effect, your body becomes a giant hard drive. And any data that's recorded can also be read."
Every time you pass through a toll booth, shop at a store, visit a Government building or attend a meeting, information about those activities will be stored in your muscles. Police officers, FBI agents and other, more covert, Government operatives, can read that data using hand-held scanners.
And the information isn't even safe with the Government. With the right techniques, anyone can read the data and know everything about what you've done and where you've been.
"I swung a crystal over one of my patients and it went crazy," said Melody Moroni, a homeopathic consultant and canine stylist. "Then I started to interpret the movements. Within minutes I knew more about that client than I wanted to. I immediately reported him to the FBI as a possible terrorist."
According to Carpenter, this iron-enriching program is linked to the one putting sugar in our diet and is being run not by a Government department but a private contractor.
"It's all about plausible denial and circumventing the Constitution," he says. "It's a Government conspiracy alright, but they're not doing the dirty work themselves.
"This work is being outsourced to the ID and surveillance arm of LethalResponse.com and is a key part of the LoyalCitizen program," he adds. "Soon you'll see breakfast cereals being sold with special offers on LoyalCitizen Patriot Points."
Carpenter foresees a time, very soon, when you will pay road tolls just by waving your arm at a digital reader. "As part of the LoyalCitizen program, LethalResponse.com is introducing the ConstantTraveler scheme that will charge people for road use and track our movements," he claims. "It's designed to keep tabs on every journey taken by every citizen. Sure, having a magnetic body will make it convenient. But what if you're accidentally deleted?"
Government wants your spit!!
A secret Government organization is building a huge DNA database of every citizen using saliva collected by dentists
In a crucial step towards creating a One World Government, a top-secret Washington-based organization is building a DNA database covering every US citizen, illegal aliens and even tourists.
And your DNA is being harvested without your permission by the same people you trust to look after your health.
"Ever been to the dentist and wondered why they put those suction tubes in your mouth?" says William H Carpenter, founder of the Carpenter Foundation for the Investigation of Medical Conspiracies. "Ever wondered why you can't just spit any more?"
Saliva and extracted teeth collected by dentists are being sent to a covert Washington laboratory. Once the DNA is analyzed, the teeth are hidden in hardcore used for repairs to the Beltway. It's not known what happens to the saliva, but Carpenter advises against bathing in the Potomac.
And it's not just dentists who are in on this scheme. The Government is working with food manufacturers to increase the amount of sugar we eat.
"This plan won't work if people don't go to the dentist," says Carpenter. "So they're making sure our teeth rot. Americans eat more sugar each week than the entire population of Africa does in a decade. There has to be a reason for that."
There are parts of the country where even this plot is failing, Carpenter says. In rural areas of Arkansas or the Appalachians, for example, people are used to going without teeth. "That said, there are some people that even the Government might decide to ignore," he says.
There are things you can do to protect your right to anonymity, says Carpenter.
"When you visit the dentist," he says, "insist on taking home with you any saliva or teeth removed during the treatment."
Government Zombie Jab
The vaccination program is just a cover for mass implanting of ID chips and mind-control drugs, says scientist
President Barack Obama has declared swine flu a 'national emergency'. And now we know why.
When that needle goes into your arm, you're not just getting a vaccine against H1N1 - a virus that was manufactured in top-secret Government laboratories. You'll also be getting an ID chip and a dangerous cocktail of mind control drugs, says one leading scientist.
"We all know that swine flu isn't really dangerous," says Dr Tim McVinny in a statement from the William H Carpenter Center for Medical Conspiracies. "H1N1 is no worse than regular flu. So why the emergency?"
The so-called national emergency gives Government agents special powers to force people to be vaccinated, he explains. It's the biggest medical conspiracy since the forced sterilisations that took place in the USA as late as the 1960s.
"They've been looking for a way to implant ID chips for some time now," says McVinny "The H1N1 pandemic is a golden opportunity. But it's not entirely by chance."
According to McVinny, the pandemic is an accident - a kind of 'blowback' from a covert program to infect immigrants in the US. "Look where it started," says McVinny. "Mexico."
He adds: "The aim was to weaken a sector of society that has little or no medical insurance. It's microbiological ethnic cleansing."
Asked about the spread of H1N1 to the US and other first-world countries, McVinny said: "No-one's claiming these Government people are smart."
The ID chips will allow Government agents to track the movements of every US citizen. But it doesn't stop there, says McVinny.
"It's one thing knowing where you are. They also want to control what you're doing," he says. "Our research, which involved visiting dozens of online forums, as well as world-leading conspiracy websites, indicates that the so-called vaccine will also include mind control drugs."
He says that one source told him, "I have been a CIA mind-control sex slave for more than 25 years. Recently, while I was being forced to pleasure Dick Cheney, he let slip that the vaccine would be used to turn more people into unwilling Government zombies."
According to this source, Cheney is still very much in control of numerous black projects. The election of Barack Obama and a Democrat-controlled Congress was simply a means of providing deep cover for the Illuminati actually in control of the country.
McVinny said he couldn't name the source because that would cause "his immediate termination". But he said, "My source says he was told the first use of the mind-control powers is to stop people asking questions about the vaccinations."
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Usenet reduces millions to witless zombies