Apple Computers today unveiled its long-awaited iSlave mind control device. Aimed at law enforcement officers, UN stormtroopers and New World Order henchmen, the handheld unit allows users to take over the actions of nearby citizens while also checking email, tweeting and listening to iTunes.

"Initially, it will work only on long-time Apple users," said a company spokesdrone at the launch. "Until the Government gets going with its large-scale brainwashing and chipping program, we'll have to rely on that portion of the population that's used to doing what it's told."

According to the official announcement, the iSlave runs on a 50MHz ARM CPU chip, and uses RFID technology reversed engineered from the alien craft that crashed at Roswell. Apple claims that the 850g device will run for as much as 30 minutes between charges and can control slaves at distances of up to 5 metres.

The iSlave has a 3in touchscreen allowing the use of mouse gestures to gain fast access to commands such as 'run', 'stop' and 'open fire'.

A number of apps have been announced to coincide with the launch.

• SlaveMaster integrates with the Bento database package to allow users to manage groups of slaves. It also links to iCal so that busy henchmen can schedule slave actions in the future, with automatic pop-up alerts and color-coding for different slave types.
• FaceSlave automatically updates each slave's Facebook status with what they're doing, and to whom.
• SlavePod allows slavemasters to download music from the iTunes Music Store direct to the slave's iPod (all slaves have iPods). Apple has signed deals with a number of record companies to provide suitable tracks which, it's believed, contain hidden messages. The first to become available will be James Blunt's new album 'Squeal like a girl' aimed at male mind-control sex slaves.
• SlaveWave uses Google Wave to co-ordinate actions between slavemasters, as well as letting them share digital photos of what their slaves are up to (not available in China).
• SlaveWall automatically 'terminates' slaves who try to go beyond the range of the iSlave (available only in China).

Some firms have complained that the apps they submitted for the iSlave have been rejected by Apple. Most of those companies have since disappeared.

One app, HappyClappyApple, which makes owners of Apple products buy everything the company produces, was initially approved but was later withdrawn by the company as being "redundant". 

Apple also used the launch event to announce its new iPad tablet computer. Every journalist attending the event bought one.

President Barack Obama has declared swine flu a 'national emergency'. And now we know why.

When that needle goes into your arm, you're not just getting a vaccine against H1N1 - a virus that was manufactured in top-secret Government laboratories. You'll also be getting an ID chip and a dangerous cocktail of mind control drugs, says one leading scientist.

"We all know that swine flu isn't really dangerous," says Dr Tim McVinny in a statement from the William H Carpenter Center for Medical Conspiracies. "H1N1 is no worse than regular flu. So why the emergency?"

The so-called national emergency gives Government agents special powers to force people to be vaccinated, he explains. It's the biggest medical conspiracy since the forced sterilisations that took place in the USA as late as the 1960s.

"They've been looking for a way to implant ID chips for some time now," says McVinny "The H1N1 pandemic is a golden opportunity. But it's not entirely by chance."

According to McVinny, the pandemic is an accident - a kind of 'blowback' from a covert program to infect immigrants in the US. "Look where it started," says McVinny. "Mexico."

He adds: "The aim was to weaken a sector of society that has little or no medical insurance. It's microbiological ethnic cleansing."

Asked about the spread of H1N1 to the US and other first-world countries, McVinny said: "No-one's claiming these Government people are smart."

The ID chips will allow Government agents to track the movements of every US citizen. But it doesn't stop there, says McVinny.

"It's one thing knowing where you are. They also want to control what you're doing," he says. "Our research, which involved visiting dozens of online forums, as well as world-leading conspiracy websites, indicates that the so-called vaccine will also include mind control drugs."

He says that one source told him, "I have been a CIA mind-control sex slave for more than 25 years. Recently, while I was being forced to pleasure Dick Cheney, he let slip that the vaccine would be used to turn more people into unwilling Government zombies."

According to this source, Cheney is still very much in control of numerous black projects. The election of Barack Obama and a Democrat-controlled Congress was simply a means of providing deep cover for the Illuminati actually in control of the country.

McVinny said he couldn't name the source because that would cause "his immediate termination". But he said, "My source says he was told the first use of the mind-control powers is to stop people asking questions about the vaccinations." 

Responding to pressure from the CIA and NSA, the US Government has banned aluminum headgear, metal underwear and other devices designed to interfere with mind-control rays.

"This kind of clothing is unpatriotic," said a White House spokesman. "America's intelligence agencies are fighting a ceaseless battle against the forces of terrorism, paranoia, alien abduction and civil liberties. Mind control is an essential weapon in our fight to keep the US safe from unconventional and non-conformist elements in society. The agencies rely on mind-control rays to preserve our freedom, and we have to let these guys do their jobs."

He added: "It's also unfair. The Government has invested billions in the MKULTRA program, developing some of the most sophisticated technology known to man. And these antisocial elements are defeating it with two dollars' worth of Bacofoil."

Congress was prompted to outlaw the possession or manufacture of anti-mind-control devices and garments when it was revealed that increasingly large numbers of people were failing to take the Government seriously.

"Clearly our message isn't getting through," said Senator Julius Fouine, chair of the Congressional Committee on Democratic Conformance. "Congress, the intelligence agencies, the armed forces - we can't make the US the country it's supposed to be all by ourselves. We need everyone on board and on message. We have the technologies to achieve this, to ensure that people think the right way, but we have to deal with that small portion of the population - traitors, I'd call them - who have the strange and unAmerican delusion that they can think any way they like."

Not everyone is happy about the ruling. 

Jezebel X, a self-confessed mind control sex-slave, who claims to have been the unwilling plaything of George W Bush, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, the last three Popes, and OJ Simpson, said: "A tin-foil hat is the only way I can get any rest. If I couldn't block the rays from time to time, I'd be worn out within a week." Asked why she didn't wear the aluminum hat all the time, she replied: "A job's a job."

There are rumours of activity by a shadowy group known as the Beanie Resistance Army (BRA) - an uneasy coalition of geeks, conspiracy theorists and ex-postal workers, according to one anonymous source. "There's a growing underground network of freedom fighters dedicated to distributing beanie-making materials to insurgents across the country," he said.

Recent raids by FBI agents have uncovered BRA safe houses where they discovered instructions for building tin-foil beanies and aluminum long-johns. They also unearthed several copies of the covert movement's 'bible', the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie, a book that allegedly provides full details of how to make anti-mind-control devices from nothing more than household materials.

However, according to experts, the law concerns only metal-based garments and will affect just a handful of people. "It's a good job they exempted propeller beanies," commented a spokesgeek from Slashdot, "otherwise the internet woulda ground to a halt."

[Photo courtesy Zapato Productions Intradimensional]

The US Government is exploiting the Internet to enslave the minds of millions of people.

A covert operation is using secret codes buried in Internet messages to trigger bizarre brain reflexes among a large section of the population. In many cases, victims are reduced to babbling idiots with a compulsive desire to impose their delusions on the rest of the world. But some are transformed into unwilling mind-control slaves who then use the Internet to spread government propaganda and disinformation.

"These messages are distributed using Usenet newsgroups," said a leading cryptology analyst, Mr Y, who refused to be named in case his wife finds out where he is. "The people who use Usenet are known to be particularly vulnerable to these kinds of brain distortions. I mean, they're already half-way wacko."

According to Y: "Thousands of Internet users find themselves uncontrollably spewing all kinds of ludicrous theories on to the Net — stuff about UFOs, conspiracies, Lady Diana, Elvis, how the government is responsible for 9/11 and the shooting of JFK and about fraud at Enron. Weird shit that no sane person would ever believe."

He claims that the Government is doing this to discredit serious investigators in areas that might embarrass it. "By harnessing the power of hundreds of Net users they create a tidal wave of gibberish. Anyone genuine who starts looking into what's really happening at Area 51 or in the boardroooms of US corporations gets tarred with the same 'loony' brush."

But is it possible that some of the raving nutjobs might just be mad anyway?

"It's possible," says Y, "but the scores of affected people we've logged and monitored show genuine signs of deterioration once they've been on Usenet for a while. And the only explanation for that is a massive Government conspiracy using advanced technology to turn us into mind-control slaves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to log on."