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President Elect Quits
President Elect quits even before taking office, claiming he was duped over the state of the nation
President Elect Barack Obama has quit his new job, even before taking office.
"I knew this country was in a bad state," he said. "I just had no idea how bad."
A source close to the President Elect said that he was shocked by what he saw when he visited dead duck President George W Bush at the White House.
"It wasn't just the state of the place," he said. "We expected that. The half-empty pizza boxes and beer cans in the Oval Office. The way all the computers in the communications suite were logged into porn sites. It was like a frat house. But nothing that couldn't get cleaned up in a week or so."
What especially perturbed the visitors, said the source, was how nothing seems to have been done around the place for months, maybe years.
"In the Oval Office was one of those toy basketball hoops - you know, the kind that makes a cheering noise when you manage to throw something in it," he claimed. "All around the hoop were balled up pieces of paper that turned out to be CIA, NSA and Pentagon briefings dating back to 2000."
The biggest problem, said the source, is that Bush won't stop being President. "Even though no-one likes him, even though he's acknowledged as the worst President in history, he keeps doing stuff and just making it worse. He gave up long ago trying to fix problems like his wars, drugs, the tanking economy and the ecological crisis. So he's spending his last days like a petulant toddler on PCP. He's putting oil refineries in national parks. He's pardoning murderers. Thanks to Bush, America is already in the shitter and now he's trying to flush it."
According to Obama's retinue, the final straw came when the President Elect was briefed by senior people within the intelligence community, the State Department and the Treasury. "That's when we found out that - bad as we thought it was - Bush and his cronies had still been lying to us. It's so, so much worse."
According to insiders, at the end of the meeting Obama commented: "I love America, but I'm not cleaning that up!"
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, says veiled president
In a move that has sent shockwaves throughout the whole of the Washington media corps, US President George W Bush has converted to Islam. Perhaps even more surprising, Bush has chosen to become a muslim woman.
Shortly before converting, Bush underwent a sex-change operation and was known briefly as 'Georgina', before taking his muslim name of Fatima.
Some government insiders say that the change of religion is not as dramatic as it may first seem. "Let's face it," said one Congressman, who hinted he was considering a similar conversion, "he was always out there on the fringes. As an evangelical Christian he felt that people should come around to his way of thinking, at the point of a gun if necessary. And he liked sending people to other countries to blow things up. So he's still as much of a fundamentalist as he always was — he's just swapped Christ for Mohammed, blessed be his name."
There are unconfirmed rumours that Bush's sex-change was prompted by a misunderstanding. According to sources close to the President, Bush was under the impression that muslim men are obliged to become suicide bombers. The same sources say that Bush was "perturbed" by the idea of becoming a martyr and "intimidated" by the prospect of having to manage 72 virgins.
"Apparently, no-one in the Cabinet, White House or intelligence services told him about the vast majority of muslims who live peaceful, fulfilled and worthwhile lives," said the anonymous Congressman. "He thought he'd be forced to become a martyr as a muslim man and that idea seemed to upset him. The CIA have really let him down this time by not providing accurate intelligence. Heads should roll."
Commenting on his decision to wear the burqa, Bush is rumoured to have said, "I'm sick of all those people staring at me all the goddamn time. Reporters, TV crews and that other bunch ... whaddya call 'em? ... oh yeah, the public."
A spokesman for the Democrats said that Bush's sudden conversion would have little impact. "Let's face it, he was a dismal failure as a man and a lousy Christian, so between you and me, I don't think this is any great loss."
George W Bush finally finishes military service with death-defying mission over hostile territory
President George W Bush has returned to Washington in triumph after completing his tour of duty in Iraq. The President led a highly successful mission that also marked the completion of his military service.
"We're all relieved," said a White House aide. "Frankly, it was getting embarrassing. I mean, he started his military service in the 1960s. But this tour in Iraq really puts paid to those liberal wieners who say that this President is a deserter or a coward. He's shown his willingness to go do the job himself."
The details of the President's mission are still classified, but it's believed that he briefed the Prime Minister of Iraq, whatever his name is, both before and after the mission.
There are unconfirmed rumours that the President flew some kind of bombing mission. "We're a bit worried he thought he was bombing Vietnam," said a source close to the President. "But it's probably best not to say anything. I mean, he always felt bad about those other boys going to Vietnam and getting killed while he was playing golf with his Daddy's political backers. But hell, he was doing a job for the country too."
Many US service personnel are now on their third or fourth tours in Iraq. According to the Whitehouse press office, the President is now proud to be numbered among the veterans of this conflict.
"The several hours he spent in the country — actually in Baghdad, one of the most dangerous places — shows that this is a true War President," said a hastly issued press release. "It proves that the President is not prepared to send the boys and girls of America to do a job he's not prepared to do himself."