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Mother Mary mooches rubbers
Holy Mother of Christ snapped snatching condoms by CCTV
The Blessed Virgin Mary has been caught shoplifting in a mini-mart in Oklahoma. Security video shot by CCTV cameras clearly show an apparition of the Mother of Christ filching condoms from the convenience store.
"I guess we've all got used to these celebrity shoplifting stories," said Highway Patrolman Jed Ritter, who moonlights as the mini-mart's security guard. "You know, what with Winona Ryder, Hedy Lamarr an' all. But I have to admit to being kinda shocked at this one."
It's not known whether Mary got away with the goods. Her thieving was discovered only after the CCTV tapes were reviewed.
Patrolman Ritter was on night duty when it happened.
"Something woke me," he said. "Don't know what it was. Some kind of celestial chorus, I reckon. Anyhow, it was near the end of my shift and I figured I'd better go look at the video. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw her."
The cameras first caught the Blessed Virgin in the 'Haberdasher Korner' section of the store, before she moved on to the pharmacy.
Ritter claimed that, even after he'd woken, there was still a 'presence' in the store. "I could sense she was still around. It rooted me to my seat."
When questioned on his failure to apprehend the Blessed Mother of Jesus, Ritter said he was unsure whether he had jurisdiction. "I'm not even a Catholic," he added.
Officer Ritter has been suspended from duty pending the result of a drug test, but he has already received many messages of support and praise.
"Mr Ritter is truly blessed to have witnessed this visitation," said Father Dicky O'Rabid, a Roman Catholic priest and Fox News commentator. "Few have the opportunity to be in the presence of the divine."
Asked about the condoms, Father O'Rabid added: "I'm sure she was destroying them, ridding the world of their filthy existence and saving teenagers from temptation."
A spokesman for the store's owner claimed that further analysis of the tapes revealed that the Divine Mary also helped herself to KY Jelly and throat lozenges.
Father O'Rabid declined to comment directly but said that this information had been relayed to the Vatican where a team of specialists would soon provide an interpretation. "Clearly, this is the best evidence yet of a divine manifestation," he said.
Meanwhile, the store has closed temporarily for refurbishment. The owners issued a statement saying that: "The mini-mart will soon re-open with a host of new facilities, including a pay-per-view video presentation of the apparition and a multimedia shrine with low-cost, no-waiting confessional capabilities."
Personal Protection for Al Qaeda Boss
Terrorist leader turns to American mercenary organization for protection
According to unnamed sources, Osama Bin Laden has signed a deal with US-based LethalResponse Inc to provide personal protection services, secure transportation and "ad hoc operational capability".
One Syrian-based source said: "We believe he looked at using Blackwater at first, but wasn't impressed by the negative publicity they seem to be getting. Image is important for a terrorist leader and he thought any association with Blackwater might tarnish his reputation."
It's thought that Bin Laden has taken this step because of the increasing lawlessness and violence in some areas of Afghanistan and Pakistan. "In Bora Bora and the desolate border areas, not even the Al Qaeda top brass feel safe anymore," said one local tribesman. "It's like the Wild West out here."
Little is known about LethalResponse. Defense experts have claimed that it maintains links with members of the current US cabinet, some of whom may be silent board members. And they say it recruits mercenaries from ex-members of the US Marine Corps, LAPD, university campus guards and visitors to gun shows.
Some members of Congress have already raised concerns about this new deal. Like Blackwater and many other private security companies, LethalResponse has a number of contracts in Iraq. For example, it is responsible for protecting convoys delivering the large amounts of cash needed to pay private security contractors. "They don't call them soldiers of fortune for nothing," said Senator Ignatius 'Piggy' Barrell (Republican).
He added: "This does suggest a certain conflict of interest. However, I think we can leave this to market forces. It's not our place to intervene in what are essentially matters of private enterprise."
It's a quick trip to Gitmo for Santa Claus and his reindeer 'insurgents'
Santa Claus has been classified as an 'enemy insurgent' by the Department of Homeland Defense (DHS) and the Pentagon. If the jolly fat man shows his ruddy face in US airspace, he is liable to be shot down or captured and sent to Guantanamo Bay, said a spokesman for the DHS.
"Someone who goes around distributing high-value gifts for free is a clear and present danger to our way of life, founded as it is on the principles of capitalism. We have evidence that these so-called 'gifts' include Playstations, mobile phones and iPods. No-one gives stuff like that away for nothing. There has to be something behind this. At the very least the guy's a commie, but more likely he's a terrorist determined to undermine our society."
The spokesman pointed to the legend that such gifts are given only to 'boys and girls'. "This is a direct attack on the most vulnerable section of our community. We have an obligation to put a stop to this — you know, for the children."
He also emphasised that the only children who were promised such gifts were those who had been 'good'.
"What this means is children who are passive or timid," he explained. "That directly undermines the warriorlike ethos we have striven so hard to inculcate in our youngsters, through movies, video games, military academies and the general militarisation of our society. If this so-called Santa had his way, our children would grow up a nation of namby-pamby, peace-loving liberals. Then where would we be?"
Supported by a highly trained cadre of reindeer, Santa always works under the cover of darkness and repeatedly enters private homes by unconventional means, according to a Pentagon briefing. However, the traditional story that he breaks into every home in the world in one night is clearly impossible and points to the existence of a shadowy organisation, perhaps supporting a worldwide network of Santas who use the big white beard and red uniform to disguise their identities.
"What we want to know is, who's funding him and what's their agenda?" said a CIA agent who wished to remain anonymous. "But don't for a second doubt that their intention is malicious. Just one look at the horns on those reindeer will tell you that they mean business."
A major operation by the DHS has revealed a network of what it calls 'pseudo-Santas' or 'Santa sympathizers', working undercover in department stores across the country. A leaked memo describes the function of these fake fatties as "unclear" but says "they may represent a potential fifth column designed to spread propaganda and build support, or they may even be 'sleeper' cells awaiting the command to take action, which will probably be encoded in so-called 'carols'."
The DHS says it intends to take firm action against this new threat "as soon as our guys get back from the holidays".
Responsibility for peace, prosperity and oil revenues goes to private consortium headed by Rumsfeld
Dismayed by the inability of US armed forces to impose peace on Iraq, US President George W Bush and Defence Secretary Robert Gates have opted to outsource the war to a private consortium.
Headed by a private firm, LethalResponse Inc — established by ex-Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld just minutes after losing his cabinet post — the consortium also includes Halliburton subsidiary Kellog Brown & Root and a number of leading US defence companies.
"It just makes sense," said a smiling Rumsfeld. "This war is costing billions, and there's no sense in that money going to waste in Iraq. It might as well go into American pockets."
It's understood that the consortium will sub-contract the war back to the US Army, though this may involve troops having to accept pay cuts and loss of what Rumsfeld described as 'frivolous fringe benefits', such as body armor and ammunition.
Sources close to the Pentagon say that the fee charged by the consortium will undercut the current price of the war by up to 3 percent. In return, the consortium will be allocated an undisclosed share of Iraq's oil revenues and will assume all contracts for supplying, transporting and maintaining US armed forces in Iraq.
"This is a great opportunity for America," said Rumsfeld from his company's headquarters in the Cayman Isles. "At least, it's a great opportunity for Americans who are shareholders in our company. Which means me and George. The war in Iraq is going from bad to worse, which means lots of business for our consortium. The guys who make the weapons and rockets and things are very happy. We've just contracted with a private airline to bring back the bodies and stuff, so they're happy. Everybody's happy!"
It is believed that President Bush will become a director of LethalResponse when his current term as President ends.
Terror in the Air
Intelligence operation foils terrorist plot to destroy aircraft with 'shell-suit bombs'
Britain's anti-terror forces have foiled a plot by terrorists to use ordinary clothing as explosives. Troops, armed police and private security guards - in an operation described by one spokesman as being of "huge self-importance" - swooped on airports to prevent the so-called 'shell-suit bombs' from being used in a devastating attack on airlines.
The unprecented security clampdown saw passengers embarking at several major UK airports, including Birmingham, Liverpool and Little Snoring, being forced to travel naked.
"We have strong evidence that terrorists were planning to use unstable man-made fabrics to bring down aeroplanes on long-haul international flights," said a spokesman for the security forces. "In particular, our intelligence pointed to flights terminating at Disney World, Florida and Malaga."
The spokesman said that the operation was the culmination of several months of monitoring internet chatrooms in which a number of people had been discussing the electrical properties of nylon. "This operation has prevented a fashion catastrophe of unprecented horror," said the spokesman.
Experts wheeled out by Britain's Home Office claimed that certain artificial fibres, when combined in the right way, are capable of unleashing energy capable of wreaking incalculable carnage.
"These fibres are easily obtainable in any high street," said Dr Felicity Crippen of the Government Agenda Support Institute. "When they are brought together, they generate an explosive force equivalent to several molecules of TNT. Get enough items of clothing in one place and you have a bomb of unimaginable horror."
The intelligence operation apparently centred on certain branches of Asda, C&A and Milletts. A sudden increase in sales of shell suits prompted the authorities to take action. "Milletts had a sale," said one unnamed anti-terror officer who can only be identified by his silhouette. "I mean, the prices were really amazingly low. And they sold out of shell suits in two days. That's when we knew we had to strike."
When asked about the timing of the operation, Chief Inspector Willy Woantee, head of the Special Branch Public Awareness Diversion Squad, pointed to a recent lack of terror alerts and some very disturbing stories coming out of the Middle East. "It was the right time, without a doubt," he said.
Asked whether arrests of terror suspects were expected in the near future, Chief Inspector Woantee said, "We are expecting a large number of arrests in Liverpool." When pushed as to whether any of these would be related to the terror plot he added, "It's too soon to tell".
Several airlines have released statements pointing out that they don't fly from these airports, but that in response to government pressure they would be considering banning clothes on all budget flights.