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Things that go bang in the night

Bogeyman admits links to Al Qaeda

Infamous denizen of the night says he is leaving the terrorist organization because it's "too scary"

The creature that has haunted the nightmares of generations of children has now confessed to being a member of terrorist group Al Qaeda.

The Bogeyman (also known as the 'Boogeyman' in states that do not believe in evolution) says that he joined an insurgent cell in Iraq, financed by Osama bin Laden, two years ago. This followed a period of self-doubt and depression during which he began to question his very existence.

"In this world of YouTube and MySpace, there just doesn't seem to be a place for mythical creatures like me any more," said the beast via his publicist, Steven King, in Fallujah. "It was really getting me down and I started to think, 'what's the point?'."

Then the evil specter heard about Al Qaeda. "I hadn't really been following the news — I'd kinda given up because every time you turn it on it's always bad. So it took me a while to hear about these guys."

The Bogeyman says he might have been misled about the nature of the terrorists.

"I already had the facial hair and like to hide out in caves," he said. "So I thought, 'hey, these guys are just like me'. I figured it would be like joining a club, or something."

Moving from New Jersey to Iraq was the biggest shock of his existence, said the beast. "Hell, you think some parts of Newark are rough. You should try getting a pizza after 9pm in Sadr City."

After two years of hiding in the desert, eating bugs and biting the heads off private security guards, the Bogeyman said he'd had enough. "One day I just freaked," he said. "It was like I'd got two years' worth of The Willies. I mean, these guys are really scary."

The Bogeyman said he would be leaving the Middle East and returning to the US as soon as he could get a flight from Baghdad. Surprisingly, he said he has had no problem with no-fly lists. "Maybe that's because I always travel first class," he said.

A White House spokesman said that President George W Bush would now be sleeping with the light on.

 

 

Second Coming and Going

Christ returns - decides not to stay

Jesus appears to woman "while in the neighborhood". Says he'll try to stay longer next time

Christ returns - for a while Jesus Christ has returned to Earth. But instead of heralding the Apocalypse, it turned out to be just a brief visit by the Messiah, who said he was "a bit pushed for time".

Christ appeared unexpectedly in the home of 74 year-old Apocrypha Cartwright, an ex-nun and bingo caller living in Duluth.

Cartwright, who has previously been visited by the Virgin Mary, Gandhi, Elvis and Oprah [check that last one, it might be true - ed], said that she was taken by surprise when she found Jesus in her utility room.

"I was just going to put some of my husband's shorts in to soak, because they've got some of those difficult stains, and there He was, standing by the tumbledryer," she quivered. "At first I thought He might be cleaning His robes, but then I could see they were all sort of glowing and ethereal and that sort of thing really needs hand washing."

The Messiah then explained that he was only "popping by".

"I asked Him if He was going to scourge the wicked and cast them into the bottomless pit and bring forth locusts with hair of women and teeth of lions and bring about God's kingdom on Earth," said Cartwright. "But He told me it wasn't really an official visit."

Unsure what she should do, lest she be judged, Cartwright offered the Messiah a cup of tea, which he gladly accepted. "I asked Him if He wanted herbal but He just wrinkled His nose. He also asked if I had any vodka to put in it, which I thought was strange. But I'd drunk the last of it that morning."

Although disappointed that Christ had not come to punish evildoers, the old woman confessed that it was also a bit of a relief. "I was a bit worried I was going to be cast into the great winepress of the wrath of God," she said. "And I still had my curlers in. Hopefully, we'll get a bit more warning when the Apocalypse really happens."

Although his visit was brief, Cartwright says Christ left a message for the world.

"He said to say He was really sorry he couldn't stay," said Cartwright, "but He was literally in the neighborhood and thought He'd drop in to see how we're getting along. He said He'd try to stay longer next time."

 

Mark of the Beast

World Saved by Power of Prayer

Evil averted on '666 day' by pious pastor and his pals

The power of prayerOn June 6th, 2006 the world was saved from tsunamis, earthquakes, famines and devastating comets by a handful of people and the power of prayer — and billions will never know how close they came to annihilation.

"Yep, we did it," smirked Patrick Beatitude, 53, Pastor of the Internet Church of Instant Salvation, North Carolina. "We've been warning the world for months that 6-6-06, the day that bears the Mark of the Beast, would bring down on the Earth a storm of terror and death. It was D-Day for the world. Only total subservience to God could prevent it. So my buddies and me spent the whole day on our knees, and look what happened. Nothing!"

Beatitude scoffs at people who suggest out that nothing might have happened anyway. "Those godless heathens don't know how lucky they are. We saved their sorry asses and we're not even charging them for it."

He also dismisses those who point out that the day includes a zero in the number, that it wasn't actually 666 but 6-6-06, or even 6-6-2006.

"They're just playing games with numbers," he said. "And when you're dealing with the presence of evil on the Earth, when Satan himself is about to lay waste to the entire planet, well that's no time to be playing games."

Beatitude also points out that he and no fewer than seven of the church's congregation prayed for the entire world, not just their own members or even just God-fearing people in North Carolina.

"That's right. We saved the entire planet," he points out. "I mean, I'm sure some people still had a bad day. You know, getting mugged and stuff. And I guess there were some of those third-world type countries where they still had, you know, wars and famines and things. But it was nothing like what it could have been. And here in North Carolina it was nothing but peace."

Beatitude is now planning a nationwide tour, a book and a DVD which will detail the devastation and suffering that would have been visited on the Earth but for prayer. He also said that his church would soon announce a range of forthcoming catastrophes including plagues, infestations and so-called 'natural' disasters. "We want to give people time to join with us to save the world. And to ensure that we can all work together to maximum effect in our selfless crusade, we have introduced a new range of membership options, some as cheap as $50 a month. Not bad for a shot at eternal salvation, huh?"

When asked if he could provide proof that he had saved the world through the power of prayer, Beatitude smiled and said: "It ain't about proof, it's about faith. And I wouldn't have it any other way."