President not a Muslim!!
Following intense pressure from Donald Trump and Usenet activists, the White House has finally released a copy of President Barack Obama's long-form birth certificate.
And he's Chinese!
"We wanted to shut up these Birther idiots once and for all," said a White House spokesman, "so we spent all Easter weekend looking for the damn thing. We finally found it stuffed in an envelope with some old utility bills, three tickets to an Emerson, Lake & Palmer concert and seven AOL CDs."
The certificate appears to show Obama's birthplace as Honolulu. However, advanced image analysis by the Carpenter Foundation for American National Purity reveals that the document was recently altered.
"Clearly this is a cover-up of epic proportions," said William Carpenter, founder of the Foundation. "We haven't seen a whitewash of these dimensions since the Nixon days. Except for Clinton. And Bush. And the other Bush."
It's believed that the Carpenter Foundation was hired by Trump to examine the document.
"Trump wanted to prove, once and for all, that Obama is a Muslim," said Carpenter. "This is a huge disappointment for him."
Careful image manipulation showed that Obama's place of birth was not, in fact, Hawaii but the town of Honororo, in the Heilongjiang province of China.
"Although it shows he's not an American, Trump has to be careful not to upset the Chinese," said NewWorldDisorder, a Usenet researcher and aluminum foil salesman. "Hell, no-one wants to upset the Chinese - they own half our damn country."
Trump has now told Yahoo! News that he simply want to "move on" with what remains of his life.