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Black hole eats Moon

NASA shrinks the Moon!

Top secret space agency experiments go horribly wrong

The Moon is shrinking and by 2012 it will have vanished completely, warn astrophysics conspiracy experts. And it's all the fault of top secret NASA experiments that have gone badly wrong.

Whistleblower organization NASAConspiracyWatch has obtained images under a Freedom of Information request that clearly show wrinkles forming on the lunar surface - some of them very recent.

"It's possible that the Moon's diameter has decreased by as much as 300ft since we started taking measurements," says William H Carpenter, head of the Carpenter Foundation for Belief in Science. "After we broke the story, NASA has started trying to add its own spin, calling the shrinkage natural and ancient. It's anything but."

So-called 'lobate scarps', photographed by NASA's spy satellite, the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO), are giant wrinkles formed as the Moon's core shrinks and the surface contracts. The fact that some of these run through young craters prove that the shrinkage is recent.

Shrinking Moon 

"There can only be one explanation," says Carpenter. "Or maybe two."

He points to lunar bombing raids carried out by the US Air Force under the guise of NASA missions. "These were intended to destroy underground alien bases," says Carpenter, "but there has almost certainly been some collateral damage. It's possible that the Moon's crust has been compromised allowing the escape of gases and, you know, other stuff. Now the Moon is collapsing like a punctured balloon."

However, Carpenter says a more probable explanation is that the disappearing Moon is the result of a scientific experiment that went badly wrong. What's more, the scientists were warned this could happen.

"We're all familiar with the controversy over the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), which is purported to be buried under Switzerland," says Carpenter. "Scientists knew that attempts to create the Higgs boson with such large energies would lead to the creation of a black hole. Well, now that's happened."

Carpenter points out that scientists at CERN in Switzerland have so far failed to produce any data, or even get their collider up to full power.

"The reason is simple," says Carpenter. "The LHC isn't there. It's on the Moon."

Moon caveA secret international cabal of scientists have colluded with NASA to move the LHC to the recently discovered Mare Ingenii moon cave (pictured right). "The only thing buried under Switzerland is Nazi gold," says Carpenter.

"They've powered up the LHC, smashed those atoms and created the first artificial black hole," Carpenter adds. "And now it's eating the Moon. The problem is, once it's finished with the Moon, we're next."


Extraterrestrials buy home in Earth orbit

NASA sells Space Station to aliens !!

Cash-strapped space agency gets good price in timeshare deal

International Space StationCash-strapped space agency NASA has sold the International Space Station (ISS) - to a bunch of aliens!

As part of the deal, NASA gets to continue using the orbiting platform for 13 weeks a year until 2030, under a timeshare agreement.

"Although President Obama's recent budget changes have extended the life of the ISS to 2020, we were still looking at some big bills," said Dr Buzz Ablative, a one-time consultant to NASA. "The Space Station is getting old now, and the whole damn thing needs a new coat of paint. And with this money, we can think about adding some additional modules. A conservatory would be nice."

Neither NASA nor the Government would release details of the deal, or who's bought the ISS except to say that they come from a galaxy far, far away.

"Actually, we're not sure where they're from," said a NASA insider who asked not to be named. "Nor are we entirely sure what they want the ISS for. There was some talk about vacations, but they've already submitted plans for adding something called a BSE. I believe that stands for 'Bovine Storage Extension'."

According to the same source, the agreement between the extraterrestrial entities and NASA comes with a number of conditions. "They want us to widen all the hatches and install softer lighting," he said. "But apparently they don't need sleeping facilities."

There is some concern among US astronauts about the aliens' plan to enlarge the medical module on the ISS to three times its current size. "It seems that they need plenty of room for medical procedures of some kind," said Ablative.

He added: "On another note, they've submitted a request for a full list of the 'probes' that the ISS currently carries. I'm not sure what they mean by that."

There are rumours that NASA may have got an even better deal than they first thought. "The aliens have paid for 39 weeks a year until 2030," says the insider, "but they've hinted that they may not need it after 2012." 

Ablative said that, following the success of this deal, NASA may be looking at selling other assets. "We may still build the Ares rockets, but sell them straight to the aliens," he said. "We'll obviously get more for them if they're unused. And then there's Houston. They can have the whole of Houston."

This knock-down sale of America's space capabilities is coming in for some criticism, but Ablative is bullish.

"It may seem unpatriotic to sell this stuff to aliens," said Ablative, "but if we don't do it, the Russkies sure will. That's what free markets are about."


Stylish remote contrpl for hip zombies!!

Apple launches iSlave mind-control device

Handheld gadget makes controlling slaves easy and hip

iSlaveApple Computers today unveiled its long-awaited iSlave mind control device. Aimed at law enforcement officers, UN stormtroopers and New World Order henchmen, the handheld unit allows users to take over the actions of nearby citizens while also checking email, tweeting and listening to iTunes.

"Initially, it will work only on long-time Apple users," said a company spokesdrone at the launch. "Until the Government gets going with its large-scale brainwashing and chipping program, we'll have to rely on that portion of the population that's used to doing what it's told."

According to the official announcement, the iSlave runs on a 50MHz ARM CPU chip, and uses RFID technology reversed engineered from the alien craft that crashed at Roswell. Apple claims that the 850g device will run for as much as 30 minutes between charges and can control slaves at distances of up to 5 metres.

The iSlave has a 3in touchscreen allowing the use of mouse gestures to gain fast access to commands such as 'run', 'stop' and 'open fire'.

A number of apps have been announced to coincide with the launch.

  • SlaveMaster integrates with the Bento database package to allow users to manage groups of slaves. It also links to iCal so that busy henchmen can schedule slave actions in the future, with automatic pop-up alerts and color-coding for different slave types.
  • FaceSlave automatically updates each slave's Facebook status with what they're doing, and to whom.
  • SlavePod allows slavemasters to download music from the iTunes Music Store direct to the slave's iPod (all slaves have iPods). Apple has signed deals with a number of record companies to provide suitable tracks which, it's believed, contain hidden messages. The first to become available will be James Blunt's new album 'Squeal like a girl' aimed at male mind-control sex slaves.
  • SlaveWave uses Google Wave to co-ordinate actions between slavemasters, as well as letting them share digital photos of what their slaves are up to (not available in China).
  • SlaveWall automatically 'terminates' slaves who try to go beyond the range of the iSlave (available only in China).

Some firms have complained that the apps they submitted for the iSlave have been rejected by Apple. Most of those companies have since disappeared.

One app, HappyClappyApple, which makes owners of Apple products buy everything the company produces, was initially approved but was later withdrawn by the company as being "redundant". 

Apple also used the launch event to announce its new iPad tablet computer. Every journalist attending the event bought one.



End of the World is Nigh!

NASA predicts end of world!!

Asteroid will end life on the planet on Friday the 13th in 2029, says space agency

Asteroid ApophisThe world will end on Friday the 13th April 2029, says NASA. A huge asteroid will crash into our planet, destroying all forms of life and turning the Earth into a desolate, lifeless galactic wilderness.

According to NASA, there's now a one-in-250,000 chance that the asteroid Apophis will hit the Earth during a 2038 fly-by.

"That's about 160 times more likely than winning the lottery," says apocalypse specialist Dr Willam H Carpenter, "and people win lotteries every day."

But that's not all. Apophis will also swing by nine years earlier, in 2029, when on current estimates it will get as close as 18,300 miles.

"That's 4,000 miles closer than the geosynchronous satellites on which our global communications depend," explains Carpenter. "The asteroid will actually have to pass through the orbits of man-made spacecraft. In astronomical terms, 18,300 miles is a hair's breadth."

And it gets worse.

"The real problem is that these estimates are all based on Government-supplied data," says Carpenter. "When was the last time you believed in Government figures? They only have to be out by a fraction and we're all toast."

The problem, he says, is that Apophis was only recently discovered. According to NASA, the asteroid was first identified in 2004. Since then, the space agency has constantly revised the odds of the celestial body impacting the Earth and destroying us all.

"The truth is, we just don't have enough data to guarantee that we'll survive these close encounters," says Carpenter. "That means we almost certainly won't."

It all adds up to Doomsday, he reckons. The surface of the Earth will be reduced to ash and life will become extinct.

"Using the NASA predictions, and applying standard Government margins of error, I confidently predict that Life on Earth will end in 2029," says Carpenter. "If not, it'll be 2038. That's assuming we haven't all been killed in the apocalypse of 2012."



Boho boo-boo

Artist breaks Internet !

Painter confesses that recent downtime was all his fault.

Slipway at workSociety painter Abednego Slipway has confessed to breaking the Internet.

"I really should stick to pencils and crayons," said the painter, interviewed at his bohemian studios in Essex, England. "Every time I get on the computer, something terrible happens."

Millions of frustrated interweb users were cursing yesterday as they failed to make connections to their favorite websites. "This vandalism results in a denial of our basic human rights," said a spokesman from the Virtual Frontier Foundation, an Internet thintank and lobby group. "Just because one person pushes the wrong button, millions are denied access to vital news, healthcare information, illegal downloads and porn."

Slipway claims he has no idea how it happens. "Only last week, I went so far across the Internet that I fell off the end and couldn't get back on."

The situation has become so bad that Slipway has now engaged a 24-hour technical support service to help him when things go wrong. "But I don't really understand what they're saying, so I generally just unplug the Internet and plug it back in again. That usually sorts it."

Slipway, whose blog 'Pushing Paint' is a favourite among those artists who can find it, said he may now try other avenues for expressing his thoughts. "I tried sending my blog updates by letter," he said. "I put the web address on the envelopes but I'm not sure they ever arrived. Of course, I won't know for sure until I can manage to log on to my blog. I haven't seen it for months."

It was while trying to find his blog yesterday that he broke the Internet. "There are simply too many keys on this keyboard and I guess I pressed the wrong one," he said.

Through his agent, Phil Rotsky, Slipway has issued an apology to other users and said that, in future, he will try to restrict his Internet use to off-peak hours.


Hackers steal computers over Internet!!

Hackers don't just want your identity or your money any more - they're after your computer!

CIA and NSA sue Facebook

Spook agencies claim "we invented this, we want the money". But will Bush replace the NSA with Facebook?


Scientists find God gene

Researchers discover gene that makes us love and fear a higher authority


Gays cause global warming

Homosexuality is the chief cause of the looming ecological disaster, claims a new faith-inspired report

India tricked into landing on moon

Adolescent prank went "out of control" as take-away delivers to Sea of Tranquillity