Cash-strapped space agency NASA has sold the International Space Station (ISS) - to a bunch of aliens!

As part of the deal, NASA gets to continue using the orbiting platform for 13 weeks a year until 2030, under a timeshare agreement.

"Although President Obama's recent budget changes have extended the life of the ISS to 2020, we were still looking at some big bills," said Dr Buzz Ablative, a one-time consultant to NASA. "The Space Station is getting old now, and the whole damn thing needs a new coat of paint. And with this money, we can think about adding some additional modules. A conservatory would be nice."

Neither NASA nor the Government would release details of the deal, or who's bought the ISS except to say that they come from a galaxy far, far away.

"Actually, we're not sure where they're from," said a NASA insider who asked not to be named. "Nor are we entirely sure what they want the ISS for. There was some talk about vacations, but they've already submitted plans for adding something called a BSE. I believe that stands for 'Bovine Storage Extension'."

According to the same source, the agreement between the extraterrestrial entities and NASA comes with a number of conditions. "They want us to widen all the hatches and install softer lighting," he said. "But apparently they don't need sleeping facilities."

There is some concern among US astronauts about the aliens' plan to enlarge the medical module on the ISS to three times its current size. "It seems that they need plenty of room for medical procedures of some kind," said Ablative.

He added: "On another note, they've submitted a request for a full list of the 'probes' that the ISS currently carries. I'm not sure what they mean by that."

There are rumours that NASA may have got an even better deal than they first thought. "The aliens have paid for 39 weeks a year until 2030," says the insider, "but they've hinted that they may not need it after 2012." 

Ablative said that, following the success of this deal, NASA may be looking at selling other assets. "We may still build the Ares rockets, but sell them straight to the aliens," he said. "We'll obviously get more for them if they're unused. And then there's Houston. They can have the whole of Houston."

This knock-down sale of America's space capabilities is coming in for some criticism, but Ablative is bullish.

"It may seem unpatriotic to sell this stuff to aliens," said Ablative, "but if we don't do it, the Russkies sure will. That's what free markets are about."

Apple Computers today unveiled its long-awaited iSlave mind control device. Aimed at law enforcement officers, UN stormtroopers and New World Order henchmen, the handheld unit allows users to take over the actions of nearby citizens while also checking email, tweeting and listening to iTunes.

"Initially, it will work only on long-time Apple users," said a company spokesdrone at the launch. "Until the Government gets going with its large-scale brainwashing and chipping program, we'll have to rely on that portion of the population that's used to doing what it's told."

According to the official announcement, the iSlave runs on a 50MHz ARM CPU chip, and uses RFID technology reversed engineered from the alien craft that crashed at Roswell. Apple claims that the 850g device will run for as much as 30 minutes between charges and can control slaves at distances of up to 5 metres.

The iSlave has a 3in touchscreen allowing the use of mouse gestures to gain fast access to commands such as 'run', 'stop' and 'open fire'.

A number of apps have been announced to coincide with the launch.

• SlaveMaster integrates with the Bento database package to allow users to manage groups of slaves. It also links to iCal so that busy henchmen can schedule slave actions in the future, with automatic pop-up alerts and color-coding for different slave types.
• FaceSlave automatically updates each slave's Facebook status with what they're doing, and to whom.
• SlavePod allows slavemasters to download music from the iTunes Music Store direct to the slave's iPod (all slaves have iPods). Apple has signed deals with a number of record companies to provide suitable tracks which, it's believed, contain hidden messages. The first to become available will be James Blunt's new album 'Squeal like a girl' aimed at male mind-control sex slaves.
• SlaveWave uses Google Wave to co-ordinate actions between slavemasters, as well as letting them share digital photos of what their slaves are up to (not available in China).
• SlaveWall automatically 'terminates' slaves who try to go beyond the range of the iSlave (available only in China).

Some firms have complained that the apps they submitted for the iSlave have been rejected by Apple. Most of those companies have since disappeared.

One app, HappyClappyApple, which makes owners of Apple products buy everything the company produces, was initially approved but was later withdrawn by the company as being "redundant". 

Apple also used the launch event to announce its new iPad tablet computer. Every journalist attending the event bought one.

The world will end on Friday the 13th April 2029, says NASA. A huge asteroid will crash into our planet, destroying all forms of life and turning the Earth into a desolate, lifeless galactic wilderness.

According to NASA, there's now a one-in-250,000 chance that the asteroid Apophis will hit the Earth during a 2038 fly-by.

"That's about 160 times more likely than winning the lottery," says apocalypse specialist Dr Willam H Carpenter, "and people win lotteries every day."

But that's not all. Apophis will also swing by nine years earlier, in 2029, when on current estimates it will get as close as 18,300 miles.

"That's 4,000 miles closer than the geosynchronous satellites on which our global communications depend," explains Carpenter. "The asteroid will actually have to pass through the orbits of man-made spacecraft. In astronomical terms, 18,300 miles is a hair's breadth."

And it gets worse.

"The real problem is that these estimates are all based on Government-supplied data," says Carpenter. "When was the last time you believed in Government figures? They only have to be out by a fraction and we're all toast."

The problem, he says, is that Apophis was only recently discovered. According to NASA, the asteroid was first identified in 2004. Since then, the space agency has constantly revised the odds of the celestial body impacting the Earth and destroying us all.

"The truth is, we just don't have enough data to guarantee that we'll survive these close encounters," says Carpenter. "That means we almost certainly won't."

It all adds up to Doomsday, he reckons. The surface of the Earth will be reduced to ash and life will become extinct.

"Using the NASA predictions, and applying standard Government margins of error, I confidently predict that Life on Earth will end in 2029," says Carpenter. "If not, it'll be 2038. That's assuming we haven't all been killed in the apocalypse of 2012."

Society painter Abednego Slipway has confessed to breaking the Internet.

"I really should stick to pencils and crayons," said the painter, interviewed at his bohemian studios in Essex, England. "Every time I get on the computer, something terrible happens."

Millions of frustrated interweb users were cursing yesterday as they failed to make connections to their favorite websites. "This vandalism results in a denial of our basic human rights," said a spokesman from the Virtual Frontier Foundation, an Internet thintank and lobby group. "Just because one person pushes the wrong button, millions are denied access to vital news, healthcare information, illegal downloads and porn."

Slipway claims he has no idea how it happens. "Only last week, I went so far across the Internet that I fell off the end and couldn't get back on."

The situation has become so bad that Slipway has now engaged a 24-hour technical support service to help him when things go wrong. "But I don't really understand what they're saying, so I generally just unplug the Internet and plug it back in again. That usually sorts it."

Slipway, whose blog 'Pushing Paint' is a favourite among those artists who can find it, said he may now try other avenues for expressing his thoughts. "I tried sending my blog updates by letter," he said. "I put the web address on the envelopes but I'm not sure they ever arrived. Of course, I won't know for sure until I can manage to log on to my blog. I haven't seen it for months."

It was while trying to find his blog yesterday that he broke the Internet. "There are simply too many keys on this keyboard and I guess I pressed the wrong one," he said.

Through his agent, Phil Rotsky, Slipway has issued an apology to other users and said that, in future, he will try to restrict his Internet use to off-peak hours.

An international band of computer hackers is stealing computers across the globe - via the Internet!

"It's a connected world now, thanks to the Net," said computer security expert Steve Glister. "Gone are the days when thieves needed to actually break into your house to carry off the hardware. Now you can do anything on the Internet, including ripping off the computers themselves."

Using special 'trojan' techniques originally developed by the NSA and other government security agencies - known as Hardware Transport Trojan Protocol, or 'http' - the cyber-muggers are able to use an Internet connection to digitally move the hardware.

"We think most of the computers are ending up in China, Russia and Nigeria," says Glister, "but it's hard to be certain. Their clever use of proxies means it's difficult to know where the computers go. But we're pretty sure that, once at their final destination, they're stripped down, resprayed and sold on the black market as 'new' computers."

One victim, artist Dougal Slipway, described his shock at finding his desktop PC had vanished. "I thought something was wrong. I looked around for the manual, and when I turned back the computer was gone! I switched off the modem, but it was too late."

Some victims have had their laptops stolen while using so-called Internet cafés. "These places have high-speed net connections," explained Glister. "A skilled hacker can download a laptop in under two seconds."

In the past, hackers have been mostly interested in stealing passwords, bank account details and other items of personal information. But filching the entire computer is more effective, Glister claims. "They can search the hard disk at their leisure to find the information they need to empty your bank account."

The problem mostly affects PCs running Microsoft Windows. "You'd think they'd go for high-value Apple Macintosh kit," said Professor Phil Rotsky, deputy head of the InfoSec department at Bradbury Community College, Elk's Elbow, Manitoba. "But they're actually hard to re-sell. Everyone who wants a Macintosh already has one."

On the other hand, Rotsky believes that the Apple iPhone might be the next big target for the cyber-muggers. "With 3G capability, it's connected at reasonable speed to the Internet. And you can usually sell iPhones to the same users over and over."

Glister, who works for anti-virus software firm McClammyAV, said his company is about to roll out, "a platform-independent, network-enabled hardware security solution" that he described as "an innovative approach to client-based location-fixing technology" and which cynical IT journalists described as "a padlock".

In the meantime, Glister recommends chaining your computer to your desk and disconnecting the Internet cable when the PC is unattended.