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Divine Retribution

Gays cause global warming

Homosexuality is the chief cause of the looming ecological disaster, claims a new faith-inspired report

Homosexuals are destroying the planet. That's the stunning conclusion of a report by a British scientist working for a worldwide research institute.

"Global warming is a gay issue," said the organization's chief para-scientist, Professor Helmut Junk at a press conference yesterday. "The heat generated in discos, bath houses, the manufacture of interior furnishings, leather tanning and the result of ... um .... friction, is a major contributor to the global rise in mean temperature. There are also lifestyle issues, such as homosexuals' liking for gas-guzzling Jeeps and the environmental impact of frequent vacations in Ibiza, Gran Canaria, San Francisco and Margate."

He denied, however, that gays' fondness for houseplants and gardening offsets their carbon footprint to a degree.

Prof Junk's work is sponsored by the United Faith Science & Biblical Truth Foundation. According to the organization's marketing material, "The UFS&BTF adopts a far more rigorous attitude to science than most scientists. The science community in general is all too willing to accept ideas — even the most bizarre and outlandish theories such as evolution, relativity and paleontology — based on little more than data, factual evidence and predictability. Our organization adopts a more selective and stringent approach. That's because we go the extra mile and ensure that our ideas conform with the ultimate test of reason and commonsense — the Word of God."

While refusing to release the details of the study, Junk added: "The important thing is that, at last, we have the most convincing and morally correct proof, in scientific-sounding terms, about the roots of this important issue."